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Support for a first time mom in a complicated situation.

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 

Hello all,

 

I'm new to this forum. I just found out a few weeks ago that I'm expecting my first. I have spent the last few years working with birth and pregnancy in many capacities - as a midwifery apprentice, a doula and on a birth magazine, but being pregnant already feels much different than I thought it would! While I'm happy, the feeling is tempered by life's stresses and fears around being a parent.

 

My partner and I have a great relationship and we love each other dearly, but the timing of this pregnancy isn't ideal. I got divorced a little over a year ago and he's going through a divorce process right now involving sorting out the custody arrangement of his two young children (6 and 7) from his previous relationship. We just moved to a new city to be close to his kids (his ex moved away with them when they split up) and we originally decided that we should live apart for the first six months to give the kids time to adjust to someone new in their lives. We found out about the pregnancy just four days before moving to the new city and now things are a little more complicated.

 

Our original idea was to take our time with me meeting and getting to know his kids and not spring anything on his ex so she wouldn't be disagreeable during the divorce process. She knows that he and I are together, but I still haven't met his kids and she prefers that I not until the divorce is finalized. Anyway, without getting into all the dramatic details, we're still looking at living apart until the divorce is finalized, which could be another two or three months. I'll be heading into my second trimester around then. I never imagined that I'd live alone while pregnant. I know lots of women do it and I find myself thinking of all the mothers I know who have lived alone during pregnancy - from my single mother friends who ran from abuse when they found out they were expecting, to a friend who spent the first six months of her pregnancy alone while her partner was in jail. I have a supportive partner who I see a lot. We spend the night together when he doesn't have his kids. He cooks for me, he loves me, he asks me how I'm feeling and makes me morning sickness tea. He's committed to me having a happy pregnancy despite the circumstances.

 

 

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for support. I'm pregnant, living in a new city where I don't know anyone and I'm navigating through a complicated situation. I know I can do it - I know I can pull through. It's just nice to have others to help encourage me along the way.

post #2 of 5

Aw GroundBear, that is tough, but it sounds like your relationship is very committed and mature, and that's a great blessing. I had a poorly timed pregnancy too, and have had a lot of ups and downs as we've adjusted our lives to meet our new pathway head-on. I know that having a supportive partner is seriously the number one thing that's kept me happy, so I am glad you feel secure in yours as well. 

 

When we found out and chose to keep the pregnancy, we had just moved in together a year ago, still a year to go until I graduate from my BA program, and he's working for an unreliable start-up that could crash and burn any minute. I'm not really new to Denver anymore, but I've struggled to really build a good base of friends and community. All my favorite people keep moving away! I am happy for them, because it's mostly to follow good opportunities, but I am bummed to have only a few acquaintances left in town and no one who is parenting. My husband is technically new to town-- he moved here to be with me last year, but at least most of his friends and family are just an hour's drive away in Boulder. 

 

I won't lie, these last few months out of school and home alone all day have been pretty rough, even living with my partner. I know you're not really looking for advice, but what has helped is finding meetup groups for pregnant women and new moms online. I've yet to *really* click with someone to the point of hanging out a lot one-on-one (well I did, and then she moved to Chicago! WTF?) , but it's so nice to be in groups of women all going through similar things and chatting it up. 

 

But you're right. You've got this down. At least being so educated about childbirth will free your mind from having to learn all that stuff anew as you experience it! Although, our CE did confess that having kids changed her mind about pretty much everything she used to believe... heh. I know it would have been a lot easier to get through last semester if I didn't also feel the need to read 300 pregnancy and infancy care books! 

post #3 of 5

that is a lot you are dealing with. you are right of course, you can handle it but everyone needs support (hugs)

 

My So moved to this town to be with me. It does make things intense in a totally different way.

post #4 of 5

That really is alot to deal with. It sounds like you two have great communication though and a reasonable plan, which will make it easier! I'm wondering what the laws are in your state as far as the divorce and your relationship- here I know that technically it's "adultery" and thus can be used as a weapon in court when it comes to custody disputes... it's unfortunate that his ex is being so controlling. She's going to have to accept that a new person will be a part of her childrens' lives and really, you are being reasonable by introducing slowly, she doesn't realize how fortunate she is. When my ex and I split I was the one to introduce the new partner (my now husband) over the course of several months while my ex first moved in an 18 year old gf and then most recently moved in a girl he'd met two weeks prior- my kids are exposed to a constant merry-go-round of women in his life. Truly- you are going to be a big presence in their lives, it would be to their benefit to get to know you. Their relationship is over, it does not matter if it's on paper as a formal divorce, or not.
 

Hopefully these few months will be over before you know it- and you'll have some time together to settle a household before baby arrives. Hugs.

post #5 of 5
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate the kind words. I am hoping that this time passes quickly too and that we can settle in before the baby.
 

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