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wish i had more support

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 

I just want to feel sorry for myself.

 

im 31 weeks pregnant and barely slept because of pressure and hemorrhoid related pain. im lying on my side right now typing with one finger.  my heel is splitting from a crack and it just hurts. i get dizzy when i stand sometimes. i fainted recently from the florida heat. i have a 2 year old i usually am alone with most of the day unless the sitter comes which i have been limiting to one day per week because its expensive.

 

my husband was on his laptop this morning and when i told him i cant take care of our son today and the sitter isn't available so he needed to stay home, he didnt even ask me, he simply told me that he had to go for a 2-3 hour meeting. he explained some people at his office from out of state needed his help and it required him  to physically see some equipment.

 

i went in the bedroom to cry. he has always been one to automatically deprioritize me or our marriage by reflex; i always have to work him to get support.  he is always like this initially when i ask him for something, and either he brushes me off or becomes resentful because im interfering with one of his money or work or public related priorities.  thats not to say he isn't giving and loving when he has time, but i just feel like one of his ...parts of his life.

 

i already feel terrible asking him for help like this, but he makes it agonizing. i have turned in to a drama queen partly because it's the only way to get the reaction/action i need from him.  otherwise im swept under the rug.

 

so i start crying and then he realizes that i actually need his help.  he promises to stay home.  he makes eggs.  then he disappears to do his 45 minute workout and afterwards gets on a phone conference, explaining he will get to the pharmcy to get the medicine i asked him to get after he finishes his meeting and takes a shower.

 

i have nobody else in the world to care for me.my husband literally helped me pack for moving out of state during my last pregnancy for a job because i could barely walk from an unknown infection.  he never once stopped to ask if i should not go to an out of state long-term job in my 2nd trimester when i could barely walk.

 

in other words, im part of a greater machine to him, and he expects me to keep moving. 

 

  i have been in much, much more difficult and lonely situations in my life than this.  i just wish i felt like i had a true partner.

 

waaaah.

post #2 of 19
Thread Starter 

I guess this thread belongs in a different forum.  Like a lonely whiner's blog forum.

 

I try to quantify this marriage the way my husband or his family would and I feel much better.  I picked the lonely but safe marriage and knew what i was doing.  It's times like these i need to look at my fancy house and jewwlry and well provided for son and remember that I have known how to be alone for my entire life.  yet im so blessed. i chose this.

 

 i got exactly what i asked for.

post #3 of 19
I am so sorry about your situation. Your husband does not sound very supportive. Can you reach out to a local moms group? La Leche League? It sounds like you need to have a long talk with your husband and maybe some marriage counseling
post #4 of 19

Hi Demeter...

You are blessed, but your feelings are also valid and it sounds like you need some pampering. Having 'it all' means dealing with 'it all', and sometimes it is lonely, and leaves you feeling neglected. Sounds like you are having a rough go of it emotionally, and right now being 31 weeks pregnant with a toddler - man, I remember those days. They can be so brutal!

 

Heck, right now I have older kids that can help me and (I am 26 weeks preg and dealing with a 14 month old) a husband who tries desperately to make me feel better when he is home and I just wanted to cry yesterday. All day long.

 

You aren't alone, you aren't a whiner..You just need some friends and some people to vent to. The forums are good for that. Big hugs to you. Things will get brighter.

Drink some extra water and get some B vitamins in you. ((hugs))

post #5 of 19
Hugs to you Demeter! Don't feel bad about needing to vent and complain sometimes. I have often tried to compare myself to other women and how they cope with pregnancy and even other life things and it's always tough!

You know ALL of your own troubles and challenges, but for the most part, we only see the good side of other people's lives. That makes it a really unfair comparison. It's no wonder we often feel inferior.

The same thing goes for comparing our life as it is to "what could have been." It's never a fair comparison because you'll never know the full story of your alternate life.

However, I do think that if you are always unhappy rather than just sometimes dissatisfied, it can be healthy to look for what is in your power to improve in your life.
post #6 of 19
My ex was like that (two of them actually). Work, money and their social circle were their top prorities and i was simply a trophy. They paid attention as much as they felt they needed to, which really wasnt much at all. If i made a big deal about needing attention or help with something, they would always do the bare minimum. It was like pulling teeth. If i wanted to have a serious conversation, the wall would immediately go up. I would get so frustrated, talking louder and louder and they would become even more distant and less communicative. Those were not loving relationships. No amount of talking or therapy was going to change that. I hate to be a downer, but i have had similar experiences so i thought i'd comment. It felt more like a business arrangement than a romantic relationship. Really horrible and i understand the feeling of having asked for it. I was mostly with them for superficial reasons, so i also felt like i asked for it. I've changed and now i'm with someone who actually truly wants to be there for me, the difference is huge and quite amazing. Its been a little hard to get used to since for so long i was basically ignored unless i made a big deal out of something.
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrimordialMind View Post

My ex was like that (two of them actually). Work, money and their social circle were their top prorities and i was simply a trophy. They paid attention as much as they felt they needed to, which really wasnt much at all. If i made a big deal about needing attention or help with something, they would always do the bare minimum. It was like pulling teeth. If i wanted to have a serious conversation, the wall would immediately go up. I would get so frustrated, talking louder and louder and they would become even more distant and less communicative. Those were not loving relationships. No amount of talking or therapy was going to change that. I hate to be a downer, but i have had similar experiences so i thought i'd comment. It felt more like a business arrangement than a romantic relationship. Really horrible and i understand the feeling of having asked for it. I was mostly with them for superficial reasons, so i also felt like i asked for it. I've changed and now i'm with someone who actually truly wants to be there for me, the difference is huge and quite amazing. Its been a little hard to get used to since for so long i was basically ignored unless i made a big deal out of something.

I always say "it's like pulling teeth to get your cooperation or to even listen", so a bell went off.  Ditto with having to get louder and louder, which makes me feel like a bully and that it's me who is wrong.  well, I am not going to resolve this by yelling, and it took me 5 years and some therapy to come to terms with my own dirt in this.

 

My husband married me because I was very pretty, very confident, and very loving.  Now I am overweight, insecure, and bitter.

I desperately need to change myself but have a family to raise.  I don't think he loves me in the way I need but he does love me more than anyone else ever has...it's a strange love though!

post #8 of 19
Marriage counseling has been an awesome investment for me and my husband. Perhaps the opinion of an outside, educated neutral person could help your husband be more attuned to the needs of the marriage?
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by demeter888 View Post

I always say "it's like pulling teeth to get your cooperation or to even listen", so a bell went off.  Ditto with having to get louder and louder, which makes me feel like a bully and that it's me who is wrong.  well, I am not going to resolve this by yelling, and it took me 5 years and some therapy to come to terms with my own dirt in this.

My husband married me because I was very pretty, very confident, and very loving.  Now I am overweight, insecure, and bitter.
I desperately need to change myself but have a family to raise.  I don't think he loves me in the way I need but he does love me more than anyone else ever has...it's a strange love though!

I felt like a bully, too, and actually believed i needed to "control my anger". Sometimes anger is a good thing, it shows us what we can no longer tolerate.

I understand feeling like thats the most love you have ever gotten. I was raised in an abusive home so the love my exes gave was definitely more than i had gotten growing up. I think i just outgrew those relationships. They seemed to have an expiration date and once that passed it all went stale. No amount of "trying to make things work" was going to help. I learned to accept that and moved on. I understand how difficult it can be, though, especially if you have kids. And, like you said, there is love there, just a weird sort of love. I just have a reference point now that things can be a lot easier and smoother and more loving, but that doesnt mean its perfect. I dont think any relationship is free of flaws. Theres also the issue of working on ourselves, thats always an ongoing project and directly affects the quality of the relationship.
post #10 of 19
Jesus, my husband is a saint: wonderful and supportive. He said he cannot even begin to imagine what it's like for me. Yeah, we argue but I never have to nag him. He usually reads my mind. But we've been together for nearly two decades.

Sorry for your situation. You don't have family or friends to help? My sister went though the same thing; her husband works out if town and she had to care for their 3 year old while pregnant and working full time. I don't know how she did it, especially during the firs trimester when all you want to so is sleep.

Hope you get support soon.
post #11 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrimordialMind View Post


I felt like a bully, too, and actually believed i needed to "control my anger". Sometimes anger is a good thing, it shows us what we can no longer tolerate.

I understand feeling like thats the most love you have ever gotten. I was raised in an abusive home so the love my exes gave was definitely more than i had gotten growing up. I think i just outgrew those relationships. They seemed to have an expiration date and once that passed it all went stale. No amount of "trying to make things work" was going to help. I learned to accept that and moved on. I understand how difficult it can be, though, especially if you have kids. And, like you said, there is love there, just a weird sort of love. I just have a reference point now that things can be a lot easier and smoother and more loving, but that doesnt mean its perfect. I dont think any relationship is free of flaws. Theres also the issue of working on ourselves, thats always an ongoing project and directly affects the quality of the relationship.

 

My previous relationship lasted six years and we almost never fought about anything.  I would have stayed in it for life.  Then it very abruptly ended when he passively said things weren't working out.  It took me about ten years to recover emotionally from that betrayal.  It was the opposite problem, but that is why I have never since really tried for a harmonious relationship.  Trust issues.  I don't want to get too comfortable and be blindsided ever again.

 

Like I said, I got exactly what I wanted.  I am not one to quit.  LOL.

post #12 of 19
Thread Starter 

Katobi,

 

I could not imagine what your sister went through, but women go through it.  It's one of the reasons I married my husband; I knew he would be able to support us while I stayed home with bebes.  I would not be the decent mom that I usually am if I worked because I would be forced to take major shortcuts in things like meals and quality time and feel miserable about it every day.  When I am truly exhausted I am just not capable of feeling good about my son. Glad your sister got through it.  I agree the first trimester is haaard.

post #13 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by demeter888 View Post

My previous relationship lasted six years and we almost never fought about anything.  I would have stayed in it for life.  Then it very abruptly ended when he passively said things weren't working out.  It took me about ten years to recover emotionally from that betrayal.  It was the opposite problem, but that is why I have never since really tried for a harmonious relationship.  Trust issues.  I don't want to get too comfortable and be blindsided ever again.

Like I said, I got exactly what I wanted.  I am not one to quit.  LOL.

Oh man that sounds like it was really, realy brutal greensad.gif I'm so sorry you had to endure that. It sounds like maybe you haven't fully recovered, which is understandable, i probably wouldn't either. One thing i've learned about relationships, though, is that its healthy for there to be some arguing. All the time, no, but once in awhile helps clear the air and bring new perspectives. People who are being positive and good-natured when they're actually hurting inside, but unable or unwilling to communicate it will eventually either explode or leave. I've seen it so many times, its such a shame. If only they had communicated their troubles or complaints before it got to that point...the relationship probably would have lasted. Sometimes people are so scared of rejection that they fear if they bring up anything negative they will be rejected. I dont know if that helps you gain perspective, but i thought i'd mention it just in case. Again, i'm sorry you went through that, i cant begin to imagine your pain hug.gif
post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrimordialMind View Post


Oh man that sounds like it was really, realy brutal greensad.gif I'm so sorry you had to endure that. It sounds like maybe you haven't fully recovered, which is understandable, i probably wouldn't either. One thing i've learned about relationships, though, is that its healthy for there to be some arguing. All the time, no, but once in awhile helps clear the air and bring new perspectives. People who are being positive and good-natured when they're actually hurting inside, but unable or unwilling to communicate it will eventually either explode or leave. I've seen it so many times, its such a shame. If only they had communicated their troubles or complaints before it got to that point...the relationship probably would have lasted. Sometimes people are so scared of rejection that they fear if they bring up anything negative they will be rejected. I dont know if that helps you gain perspective, but i thought i'd mention it just in case. Again, i'm sorry you went through that, i cant begin to imagine your pain hug.gif

 

Well, thank you for the kindness.  These things are so much more traumatic when you don't have the family background of love and support.  Mine was pretty minimal, so having the only person I ever felt comfortable with violate my trust in that way is not something I will ever really recover from completely. It was like waking up in a different time in somebody else's life with no way to go back to my life, ever.  And I agree, arguing is healthy to some extent, and I get to do it plenty now :-)  I will take this over that, and nobody can ever hurt me like that again, for better or worse.

post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by demeter888 View Post

Well, thank you for the kindness.  These things are so much more traumatic when you don't have the family background of love and support.  Mine was pretty minimal, so having the only person I ever felt comfortable with violate my trust in that way is not something I will ever really recover from completely. It was like waking up in a different time in somebody else's life with no way to go back to my life, ever.  And I agree, arguing is healthy to some extent, and I get to do it plenty now :-)  I will take this over that, and nobody can ever hurt me like that again, for better or worse.

I understand what you mean about lack of support and how that makes moving on a hundred times more difficult. Several years ago i met a man who i adored right off the bat--he had all the qualities i enjoy in a partner plus he was very good-looking. The fact that he was into me as well made me want to pinch myself because it felt like i was dreaming. As it turned out i guess i was dreaming because he dumped me after only three weeks, right when i was really starting to fall for him. I felt so blindsided, like i had been punched in the gut. I thought for sure he would change his mind, he actually told me he loved me the last time we were together, but he wasnt ready or whatever the reason happened to be. I just couldnt wrap my head around the fact that it was over. I waited for him for a long time, much longer than i should have. It was all just so perfect, at least to me, that i couldnt grasp how he could just forget about me. Now i look back on it and realize how immature i was and how gullible as well. Its easy to live in a fantasy world when thats what i preferred, i just didnt realize at the time that thats what i wanted. We get what we ask for, as you put it. I'm not sharing this story because i think its exactly like yours, i was just reminded of it. It can be very difficult to move on from something that appeared to be so ideal, especially if it lasted years, like in your case. I'm almost grateful it didnt last years for me because that would have hurt much worse.
post #16 of 19
Thread Starter 

Be glad you didn't waste your years.  Sorry you went through that; it must have been very very difficult to move on.  Mysteries are torture.  

post #17 of 19
I saw this thread and sadly-- some things memtioned rang true. Mostly in regards to having to constantly ask for help, yes lots of nagging and being mostly ignored when upset. I can't even get a hug from any one other than my sweet 3.5yo. She's my rock right now. That's not really something I should rely on.

DH and I fight a lot. But always have. He says he pretty much does "everything" for me. It's true-- he'll get me food, clean up, take DD when I need a nap. Great. Awesome. Why does it feel like he "has" to do these things because he's obligated or will feel guilty later? Is that love or something dysfunctional? Is he just trying to please me to shut me up? Is that a good thing? Makes me the bully, doesn't it?

When I can't stop crying he doesnt rush to comfort me. I guess he thinks I need to be left alone. I've asked him why, he gets very upset and it turns into a fight. Tired of that. So very tired of it. We've been together 15 years. This is now kid #2 and I'm telling myself I'm done? This should he our awesome beginning. But I'm just finding the list of priority shift where it's him, DD and then me if he gets around to it. I'm not sure this is true and hormones might be skewing things but this thread has got me worried.

Therapy. Yeah. We were supposed to be going for years now. Much harder with two littles. I actually had weird feelings about marrying him and wanted to get therapy first. Didn't happen.

I'm 30wks with baby #2 and am so scared for the future. At least I feel like there is a place for me to come to terms with this life I built. I really don't want to tear a little bitty family I've worked so hard for in divorce so hopefully this is mostly hormones and things will get better.

OP-- I'm hoping for you it's true as well. Maybe once your babe is borne he will become more involved. Guys just don't get attached the way we do in pregnancy. It's so weird because I can't be anything other than attached to it. It's in my body! smile.gif
post #18 of 19
Thread Starter 

HI Tilly,

 

I'm due in spetember.  We are both extremely pregnant; I think our perspective will change when we have another bebe to focus on.  Will it make our lives perfect? No.  DH bought me a dozen long stem roses last night.  His parents are coming to stay with us this weekend and I couldn't help but feel that this is why he bought them; he wants me feeling good about us so that I'm not threatened by his behavior once they get here; which becomes even more unsupportive. He almost has never done something nice for me without a motive.  He is such an obligation dirven guy that I have lost all trust in his feelings for me.  In fact, when he does romantic things it really just upsets me because I seriously don't trust his feelings/intentions.  He has lied and manipulated and deprioritized us too many times.

 

He went with me to one therapy session after years of my insisting.  The fact that he was willing to go is nice, but we just don't have time for us right now.  

 

In an ideal world what you and I probably need with our husbands is a good long break from them so that we can try to clean the slate and start over and sort out all the relationshit into what's in the past and what's really in the present.  I wish you luck with it all.

post #19 of 19
Sounds like a concerted effort to make it work and I am happy for you!

My DH really is great. I am still very much in love with him. He's a kind and loving father and husband. But there are some things you'll just never know how much you resent until its staring you in the face. That's life with LOs isn't it?

Like sleep. I'm trying to figure out how me, pregnant with zero energy, hips and back pain almost all day, can manage to read stories, brush teeth and potty DD Every. Single. Night. DH can't do this at all and really never has. I mean, he helps me potty her if he's not tired and gets her nightgown on-- but its maybe once a week IF that. I'm guessing he's really that tired because of his sleep apnea. This doesn't make life easy with kid(s) only having one parent to help with sleep. I don't see this changing all that much with our next baby. But you can't have everything.

Before gettying pregnant I took a few nights off every now and then to go to a bar with my sister. DD was not asleep by the time I got back. Actually--he appeared to be falling asleep on the couch when I came in. A scary realization for me but I've adjusted any "me" time like that to during the day and just gave up and will so for awhile at night. He I don't think ever even tries when I'm away though says he does. I have to believe him. My DD is hard to put to sleep from my perspective but its not like anyone else has ever tried. I've never forced the issue though either.

Right now, DD stays up really damn late. Partially because DH keeps/wakes us both up snoring all night so we get relief when he wakes up and leaves for work and sleep in late. Absurd as it is-- I know how important sleep is in pregnancy and I refuse to deprive myself. That'll start and continue for around 2 years once baby is born. Now I know, so it is so nice to be able to prepare.

I know he's exhausted too from working all week, having moderate sleep apnea that he isn't consistently treating. But me having to step over his sleeping body on the living room floor after his usual random passing out just hits a nerve! Am I really going to have to put a newborn and 4yo to bed because my husband can't stay awake? Out of guilt I end up giving him a blanket or pillow. When he wakes up he just asks me to stop complaining and completely disregards the fact that I desperately need a break from my nightly torture fest of painful nursing and the up and downs of getting a very overtired and stubborn 3.5yo to sleep.

I really wonder how many other moms out there have these issues. I know I'm not the only one.
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