I just want to feel sorry for myself.
im 31 weeks pregnant and barely slept because of pressure and hemorrhoid related pain. im lying on my side right now typing with one finger. my heel is splitting from a crack and it just hurts. i get dizzy when i stand sometimes. i fainted recently from the florida heat. i have a 2 year old i usually am alone with most of the day unless the sitter comes which i have been limiting to one day per week because its expensive.
my husband was on his laptop this morning and when i told him i cant take care of our son today and the sitter isn't available so he needed to stay home, he didnt even ask me, he simply told me that he had to go for a 2-3 hour meeting. he explained some people at his office from out of state needed his help and it required him to physically see some equipment.
i went in the bedroom to cry. he has always been one to automatically deprioritize me or our marriage by reflex; i always have to work him to get support. he is always like this initially when i ask him for something, and either he brushes me off or becomes resentful because im interfering with one of his money or work or public related priorities. thats not to say he isn't giving and loving when he has time, but i just feel like one of his ...parts of his life.
i already feel terrible asking him for help like this, but he makes it agonizing. i have turned in to a drama queen partly because it's the only way to get the reaction/action i need from him. otherwise im swept under the rug.
so i start crying and then he realizes that i actually need his help. he promises to stay home. he makes eggs. then he disappears to do his 45 minute workout and afterwards gets on a phone conference, explaining he will get to the pharmcy to get the medicine i asked him to get after he finishes his meeting and takes a shower.
i have nobody else in the world to care for me.my husband literally helped me pack for moving out of state during my last pregnancy for a job because i could barely walk from an unknown infection. he never once stopped to ask if i should not go to an out of state long-term job in my 2nd trimester when i could barely walk.
in other words, im part of a greater machine to him, and he expects me to keep moving.
i have been in much, much more difficult and lonely situations in my life than this. i just wish i felt like i had a true partner.