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DH wants what?

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
I must first say we didn't date long before having our first child and so we had about eight months (not including pregnancy time) of just the two of us. And after 8 years together we have definitely been through a lot of growing pains and can see that hindsight truly is 20/20. So with that, he's always said he saw so much potential in me and over the years when we would hit hard times he'd blame himself for having, for lack of better words, ruined my life... as if I don't share equal accountability but he refuses to acknowledge that truth at times. He just recently told me he misses the me before/ without kids and that he'll never get to experience that person. And while I assured him that 'me' still existed, I felt doubt well up inside. Without ever taking the opportunity to explore my potential before kids, I don't really even know how to go about it now. I didn't DO anything before and I'm not doing much of anything now but raising our kids. And somehow I feel that's just not good enough for him, or me.

I feel like the case of a woman who lost herself after becoming a mom, but I don't actually know who I lost. Anyone been there, is there?
post #2 of 7

I can relate to what you are saying-I got pregnant with my first at age 21 while still in college, then had another baby soon after that...now their dad and I have separated and I am kind of figuring out who/what I am for the first time.  I'm almost 30 with 2 kids, never had a career I loved, went straight from a college student-lifestyle to completely immersing myself in motherhood..it's an odd feeling. 

 

It's not that I feel I haven't accomplished anything necessarily, because I give myself lots of credit for raising these babies :), but I definitely feel a little lost about my identify outside of being a mom, a fact that is kind of hitting me when the kids are with their dad and I'm not sure what to do with myself!

 

I was such a kid myself when I got pregnant that I share that feeling of not having that pre-kids persona to fall back on-I'm surely not going to go back to the me I was at 21 years old!

post #3 of 7
I married at 21. Had the first baby 5 and half years later. We did get some "couple" time that many couples now miss out on. You know, they marry later in life and they are in a rush to start families. I was finishing college when the first kid was born. I became a full time SAHM with the birth of my second and stayed put for 16 years. I now have a full time job that pays my eldest's college tuition but its nowhere near what I would earn if I had stuck with a "career". No regrets, though. I'm proud to have raised my own kids.


Just don't forget to keep learning and exploring as you go through life. I've taken a ton of non-credit classes over the years. I've thrown pots in ceramics, done yoga, written poetry, learned to paint and also how to taste wine and describe it in full sentences. These were usually at the local community college just one or two night a week. They helped the dh learn to solo parent and I think, to appreciate all I did for them when I was present for them. I also have book club, ladies bunco and standing date night with the dh once a month.
post #4 of 7
I don't think this will probably help much at all, but we had problems having kids and had them after lots of individual and couple time went by. The truth is I'm not at all the same person I was back then. Neither is he. I don't know how old you are, but I suspect most people aren't at 40 what they were at 30. I imagine kids change all kinds of things for everyone. And, from my perspective, that has some drawbacks. My husband and I were so in that pre-kid life, that the adjustment to not having so much freedom and time--individually and as a couple--was hard. It was especially hard for my husband. It sounds like he thinks the world of you. Well, you've got a ton of time in front of you. Hopefully he can focus on the great now and potential in the future rather than what could have been.
post #5 of 7

I did the whole career and life before kids. All I got was a lot of debt. Honestly this is the best me, and the best time of my life. I do not look back on those years with any type of envy. Its easy to wonder and miss what we didn;t really know or understand but you never know it might have been something not as worthwhile as it seems.
 

post #6 of 7

I do understand this - I didn't have a career and was only beginning to get back to figuring out who I was (after a crappy relationship from college ended) when we had our son/got married (same year - I was 26, we started dating when I was 24).

 

So, I had a starting point, which was honestly more or less getting back in touch with "me" as a lil kid - music and art and environmentalism and all those things that were dear to me then.  And experimenting, trying on hats.  I have totally thrown myself into being a SAHM, but I think becoming a mother has strengthened me and helped me figure out who I am, what I value, etc.  Building a family and deciding how you want to raise your kids, your collective values, what you eat, wear, do and buy - all of these things and more - are a huge creative exercise!  Every single day. smile.gif

 

So aside from kids, I would give yourself time to check out random books at the library on topics of interest, or try out a new author.  Occasionally indulge in things you loved pre-kid (perhaps in a more kid-friendly way - once in a while I escape to the bookstore alone for an hour, to browse and drink coffee in peace - but more often, I take DS with me - not the same, but it helps!).  Likewise, doing yoga with kids climbing on you is different, but it helps.  Find some cool things going on in your area if you can - festivals, music, art, museums, movies - anything cultural that strikes a chord or you think could be interesting - and try to go or bring the family.

 

What did you like to do in your alone time, before you met DH?  What are you doing when you close your eyes and go to your happy place amidst the day-to-day family chaos? winky.gif  Give yourself permission to try out lil things that make you happy or curious or whatever.  They may prove to be a lasting interest or move you on to something else - in any case, I think you'll feel more like an interesting adult with depth beyond the mom role (but absolutely respect the time and energy and part of you that is in that role!).

post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
I want to thank you all for your comments and innerstanding. I wish I had the time to respond to each of you but alas motherhood beckons my every minute. There's some good advice in here I want to try once the new baby gets a more predictable nursing schedule. Again thank you.
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