Ok. In doing naked time for potty training, the typical child finds pee dripping down their leg to be aversive and they learn to use the potty to avoid said pee dripping and it teaches them bladder control and how to recognize the sensation of "having to go". DD is absolutely "ready" to learn the potty. It's been in the making since she was 12mos casually peeing on the potty when put there after a nap. She tells me when she has to pee/poop either in her diaper or when naked. She can hold it - pee up to 4 hours while awake and poop, well until she has a diaper on so all day if need be. She was successfully using the potty for 3 days in a row, completely unassisted she would run over, pee without any prompting or reminding, and come get me to empty it quite excited and proud of her accomplishment. So please no discussion on age and readiness - she's ready.
Problem 1: After the 3 days in a row (Friday afternoon through Sunday) we were back to the work week and she's at our house with my FIL for about 5 hours while I work p/t. I explicitly told him DO NOT place her on the potty. Gently remind her from time to time that she can sit there, offer her snacks for sitting on it (sort of a reward/incentive to hang out there), but do not make a big deal about it. And since he has a tendency to dismiss anything I say I had DH call him and reiterate. I get home from work, FIL leaves, DD nurses as usual, I tell her whenever she's ready, she can sit on the potty. I go let the dogs out, walk back to the living room to find a puddle of pee surrounded by foot prints where she ran through it. No biggie, clean it up, continue the occasional reminder, not much about using the potty, but just to hang out there and eat a snack. Another accident about an hour later. And several more that evening, followed by the return of the potty phobia which I absolutely know is somehow connected to the FIL. She's been naked all week now, and hasn't used the potty once - not once. She will hold it for as long as she can until her bladder just explodes and once she starts to pee, will sprint through the house. Thank god for wood floors but she has zero aversion to peeing on herself. Now to that, she's never been one to cry over a wet diaper, and my FIL is not consistent about changing her frequently either. Usually he's at our house but on the days I've dropped her off there, for the 4 hours that she's actually with him at their house, I'd bring 6 diapers - she'd come home with 4 clean, 1 soaking in the wet bag (cloth diapers) and one soaking on her with him saying "oh I just put her in that one" yet it had already leaked through her bottoms.
Problem 2: She's had a non-stop diaper rash for the last 2 months. The only times in her life she ever had a rash prior where when teeth emerged and it was just a mild red that disappeared once the teeth popped. It went away briefly after the first month but reappeared with the heat. She's a heavy wetter at night and even if she doesn't wake to nurse, she's pretty wet in the am when I change her. I've tried getting up to change her mid-sleep, various diaper creams and lotions, finally concocting my own mix of coconut oil, tea tree oil, and lavender essential oil which considerably cleared it up. But what remains are basically blisters on and around her crotch. Until this stint being naked, she would wake up crying "booboo" and tell me her butt hurt. She hasn't mentioned a booboo lately but it's visibly still an issue. and every wet diaper causes a flare.
She's dairy and oat free because of sensitivities and I avoid them as well since she is still nursing. We use nothing but chemical free soaps/detergents. Our home is air conditioned and she doesn't spend any length of time in the heat bc it's been too humid out, so just later in the evening. I've been successful calming the flares with Epsom salt and lavender in the tub although we've reached a bit of an "anti-bath" phase so a wash cloth will have to do (she used to shower with me but hates that as well).
I need encouragement or tips on how to reduce the phobia and tackle this potty training. I have no intention to night train as she's definitely not ready for that - can't hold it that long, still nurses down, occasionally wakes to nurse, too heavy a sleeper, and still not ready to convert her crib. So mainly daytime. She does still poop in diapers but will specifically ask me for a diaper to poop in. She's a bit too verbal and smart for her age and her own good, and fiercely independent and thus the struggles with FIL - DH was the same way and their relationship is rocky to this day bc his father insists on doing EVERYTHING for everyone.
On a quick note about FIL, we've done everything from gentle talks to stern demands - he still took DD out for ice cream on her 18mo "bday", in spite of having watched her from 6mos old and knowing about her dairy issues, because he thought he'd heard me mention (when DD was like 9mos) that at 18 mos she'd be fine with dairy. That was a rocky few nights getting it to pass through her system.
Alternate care is not an option, I left my former full time job to work part time because we couldn't afford daycare with that arrangement (and I had crazy ever-changing hours) so now I'm part time, DH is full time x2, it covers the bills but no wiggle room (certainly not for daycare), and FIL is the only retired family member.
How does one get rid of the potty phobia? (I'm a dog trainer but DH is not fond of the idea of me busting out my clicker and "training" our human child...)
How do you help a child recognize that pee is gross and not to be stepped in and not fun to have on your legs?
Obviously frequent diaper changes, but any other ways to develop more of an aversion to wet diapers? (we do leave covers off the cloth so it's easier to see they are wet and she's gotten rashes from every disposable diaper on the planet - natural included so we're sticking to cloth)
Anyone with experience dealing with multiple people having contact with the child during potty training, esp stubborn people, how have you dealt with them?
I apologize for he length, if you've read this far, thank you, it was far quicker in my head