They're more visible in person... I know I just sound nuts. My process this month just isn't very patient. Thanks for your tolerance while I figure this out.
Here's a better one, I think:
chuord -- I have known people who have carried memories of their trauma in physical "echos" on their body; that's so difficult and I hope you continue to have success in healing that. While I haven't experienced it as actual pain, I did have a long period in my life where anxiety intruded on my sex life because of past trauma. It took a long time to really get to a place where having sex wasn't really stressful for me, a long process of helping subconscious beliefs and reactions cross over into conscious thoughts so I could deal with them more directly.
wengrin -- Ditto on the anxiety... I struggled with that for a long time, too. I'm lucky that my circumstances aren't as difficult now (single parent for a while, living in poverty, recovering from an abusive relationship), and I've simultaneously found ways of coping with anxiety when it does start to well up. And vitamin D is really important, and many, many people today are chronically deficient. It's a vitamin that is actually considered to be a hormone, so having that out of whack can mess up everything from mood to sleep to concentration and weight. I know I'm chronically deficient. I take a supplement and try to get outside for 30 minutes a day (which is great for mood anyway), but I'm not always successful.
oxford -- Very much thinking of you. I don't want to be Pollyanna about you situation that I know is very worrying and difficult, but from where I am, I am really hoping for you that getting this diagnosis is going to be the first step to getting the answers you need to be able to conceive. Regarding the vitex -- I take 2 capsules every night. This seems to be the right dose for me to get full benefit from it. I don't have issues with luteal phase length (pretty much always 14 days, although I've always had a relatively short follicular period), but I do have wicked PMS, really emotionally painful and disruptive. I've had GREAT relief from the vitex in that regard. I've heard from some people that the tincture is more effective than the capsules (now, the nurse in me is like, why? isn't the ingredient the same? but anyway...), but they work for me, so I'm not stressing on that. I think the recommendation (on the bottle I have) is to take one pill twice a day, but I don't remember to take pills more than once a day, so I take them both at night. Again, since it seems to be working, I think it's okay.
On that subject -- I am not sure if I should still be taking the vitex since I got a positive test. I'm continuing for now, because the positive effect is supposed to be progesterone support, and with my history of multiple mc, I'd like to cover my bases. The research I've seen has not shown vitex to be harmful during pregnancy. I've gone back and forth about getting my progesterone tested, but I don't think I will. I don't think I want to take this pregnancy into a medical realm yet, and I really think my last pregnancy failed because of chromosonal abnormalities (because the sac was empty at the ultrasound, before there had been any bleeding). Progesterone might have just delayed an inevitable loss... I don't know know if this is the best course or not... I may call my midwife and just see what she recommends.
I tested again this morning, and it wasn't any darker than yesterday (perhaps even a shade fainter?). Still positive, though! Got to love FRER for a clear line. Nonetheless, this is stressing me out a little. I expected a darker result. I recognize, though, that I'm just obsessing on something I cannot change, and really just being impatient. So I'm going to chill out on the testing for a few days, and then use my last FRER when I'm about 14 dpo and hopefully reassure myself.
And, oh, I had such good intentions for some cute and creative way to tell DH (the frontrunner was to reprogram his phone to play "She's Having My Baby" when I called... I may do that anyway), but I ended up blurting it out last night, which was fine. I was worried he would be so reserved in his reaction (because of the mc) that he wouldn't be happy with me, but he was very sweet and positive about it. So, I'm relieved as far as that goes. I told my best friend as well, but we're not telling anyone else until after 12-13 weeks. I can't handle the public mourning thing again. In the meantime, I'm really hoping for some good symptoms in the next couple of weeks! I never got sick with my last mc pregnancy. I don't want to be flat on my back (because work, and other kids, and so much other stuff to do), but just enough to feel good and knocked up.
In other, non-pee-related news, my women's chorus performed over the weekend, and that went really well. One of the member announced that her partner was pregnant with twins! Very cool, particularly since she has PCOS and is 37 (which, I know, isn't terribly advanced age, but I know they had some concerns about it). It made me happy. We're having our end of season potluck tonight. Before then, I need to get moving on some homework that's due! I cannot wait for the semester to end and all this to be over for a few weeks.