I lost my father this past March. It was very sudden and I am still trying to process it/heal. (maybe this belongs in "grief/loss"? But wait for it...). Losing my father, I realized, made me miss my childhood. And the fact that I am in my early forties and starting to feel like I am aging compounds this feeling of nostalgia. In April, around the time of my dad's birthday/second memorial service, I started thinking about a family that I had spent some time with as a child. My parents had sent me to their home out of the country when I was 11 for a couple of weeks after the daughter had spent a couple of weeks with us. When I was 15 I spent a couple of more weeks with them. I loved that family. I corresponded with the daughter for many years. While I was staying with them, I bonded with one of the brothers. I had a pretty big crush on him, but it was always cloaked in friendship, and nothing ever happened. He was a couple of years older and was always very attentive and flirty, but he and I never kept in touch. I'd say the last time I had contact with them is about 25 or 30 years ago.
Well, so I was thinking about this family. I googled him (he has the most unusual name of the family, and to be honest, I have very fond memories of him so was curious about him) and I found him. I emailed him to tell him that my father had passed away (our fathers were friends but had lost touch). Turns out his father had died a couple of weeks earlier. He put me back in touch with his sister, and she and I have been back in touch with regularity. The surprising thing is that I am in touch with HIM now, with as much if not more regularity. Those first couple of weeks he was constantly checking in to see how I was doing. I don't think anybody else was as attentive.
I guess I don't know what to make of it. And there is a multi-part issue. At some point this constant communication will die out, but it's too important to me now, and I don't think I am able to let it. Being in touch with the both of them is the only thing that has distracted me from the loss of my father. I know that at some point I need to let go...of them, and of my dad. Am I being weird? I'm wondering how THEY must perceive this. We will go everyday with communication. (I email with her, I text with him). It will fizzle because I will feel like I am initiating too much (and to be clear, even though I do most of the initiating, they are always very quick to respond). Then eventually, after a couple of days (I think the longest it has gone is maybe a week), one of them will initiate and we will be back to almost daily contact. I'm not like this in my other friendships/relationships. I don't keep track, I don't get insecure. But this kind of has me thrown for a loop.
At first I was worried that maybe I was starting to have feelings for the brother again. Deep-seeded 16 year old girl feelings. To be clear, I am married with three girls. He is married with two boys. He's been away on vacation with his family for the past two weeks and I haven't had any contact with him. And I've already decided I'm not initiating anything anymore. Just in case. ALthough the thought of not being in touch with him makes me sick to my stomach.
But I realized that I am just as "weird" about my communications with the sister. I think something about being in touch with someone from so long ago just has me on my heels a bit.
And it also makes me realize my life is not where I want it to be :(. I gloss over a lot of things when I talk to them. It has made me think about the changes I need to make so that I can be proud of how my life has turned out. For example, I stay at home with my kids, which is fine, but we are financially struggling and if I went back to work (I have a masters degree. Not that there are any jobs out there, esp considering I've been out of the work force for over 10 years) it would help enormously. We'd be able to travel (something this family does extensively). So it has made me reevaluate some things...
This is a NOVEL. If anybody got to the end of it, kudos to you. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Maybe someone's perspective on this new/old friendship? My husband knows I am in touch with them but I don't think he realizes how often I am in touch with the brother. WHich is maybe a danger sign in itself...