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Mothering › Groups › September 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › New, completely clueless, and needing outside advice.

New, completely clueless, and needing outside advice.

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 

A co-worker suggested I should join some kind of mothers support group. So I searched around the internet ( wasn't fond of meeting anyone in person ) and found you guys. Been slightly lurking before making an account.  I'm not even 100% sure what I should be getting out of this, but here goes.


So I’m 34 weeks, age 30, first full term pregnancy ( had 2 miscarriages ) and completely clueless. I’ve done nothing to prepare for little velociraptor to be. When I mean nothing...  I actully mean nothing. No consideration for baby names, didn’t get that nesting feeling everyone talks about, no nursery, no baby shower, haven’t stepped foot in a baby store of any kind, and I haven’t done any research as to what goes into this. If you can think of it, I haven’t done it.


The only things I’ve actually done is regular check-ups, staying healthy, eating right, exercising, taking vitamins etc. Which so far this pregnancy thing has been a breeze.  Never got the morning sickness, back pain, hip pain... any real side effects everyone talks about having either. Well maybe fatigue, but I think thats an unavoidable one.


I shouldn’t be complaining. Dr’s says everything is going well. My husband is super supportive and helpful. His family has been great.  But I’m not excited, nor am I unexcited. I just generally feel nothing. No motivation to do what you would expect a normal pregnant woman should be doing.  


Why is this an issue? Mainly because its been giving me unexplainable ( and in my opinion unnecessary ) anxiety. Co-workers start up that usual conversation of “How are you feeling?” Which I politely reply with AWESOME! and then quickly change the subject. I’ve been avoiding the baby talk road with everyone. I just have nothing to add to the conversation. People are asking me, When is the shower? What are your colors? What’s the name going to be? Where are your registered?  and I stare at them like a deer in headlights. No shower, no we're not planning a nursery, and as for the name, “eh” will think of something. Which as you would expect, this puts people off. I don't want to come across as unloving, but I can understandably see where people might think that.


I don't want to lie or put on a false face just to appease the masses. So I can’t even pretend to care. Everyone keeps telling me, “oh its different when its your kid!”  I’m so sick of every iteration of that reused line. Really, I’ve heard similar versions for all stages of life, my favorite being the marriage one “everything changes once you're married!” yeahh... lived it, and nope just woke up one day with a ring on the finger. Nothing changed ( 3 years in counting )


I’ve talked to my husband about how I feel, our communication has been great. Again super supportive! He’s probably the only one that hasn’t scoffed at me for thinking/feeling the way I do. I do feel guilty that’s he’s been the one on top of getting things done on time. He picked out the hospital, pediatrics for after, filling out all the paperwork etc. But even he can't even explain or ease the anxiety I’ve been feeling when communicating with the outside world.


To add to all this, no I can’t go running to my mom. She passed away in 2006 when I was 23. Immediately after my dad remarried and moved away leaving me alone. College kid, part time job and living out of the car for about a year. My only sibling sister is 15 years older than me, but she lives over 1,000 miles away and has been all my life. So I’m used to being alone with no family support. I mean I know my sister is there for me if I wanted to talk. My Husbands family is the same way always saying if I need to talk they are there, but its been difficult to open up like that. The anxiety kicks in.


No I don't want to go some psychologist, I’m actually pretty content. ( or too proud and stubborn to actually to go to one. ) Deep in my mind I think everyone else it dragging the baby thing out of proportion. I don't see the need to do up a nursery. I don't see the need to buy more then what is minimally required to raise a baby. Bottles, blanket, car seat, some cloths... steak ( ha just kidding the steak is for me ) But I don't want to come across as selfish either. I’m really not that type of person, I’m a team player who will do just about anything to help whoever needs it.


I guess what I’m finally getting at is I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way, or known someone like this. Any help, advice regarding my anxiety issue. Maybe even suggestions on how to overcome it. I don't want to not care, but so far no parenting related feelings have kicked in. Well other then feeling guilty I’m not like the other mothers in the“moms to be” club. Part of me goes; “well I’m just different”  and I’m content with it.  the other half of me goes; “What is wrong with you? why can't you care about the living alien kicking your bladder 100 times a day.”


Regardless though I’m honestly probably going to hang around here for awhile because like I said... I’m completely clueless. All of you amaze me with your planning and organization, even preparing freezer meals for after. I hadn't even thought of that.  I’ve read through almost every thread last night before deciding to actually post this.  I’d like to met some friends here, though I’d understand if you think I’m some uncaring wacko after divulging my back story. I could use the support. I kinda do feel alone in this. Like I said,  its just difficult to open up and talk anyone in person to someone. Which is why I'm giving this a try.

 

Thanks for reading. ^^ again I appreciate any support or advice anyone has. 

post #2 of 23

Hello, and welcome. :)

 

I'm going to be quite honest, even though you were pretty thorough in heading off any potential suggestions anyone might make, at the very least, I would suggest you discuss your feelings with your OB or Midwife.  While I can completely understand the desire to be minimalist when it comes to what you have/want/need for baby-because I'm exactly the same way-I can't help but feel like your seemingly apathetic feelings about pregnancy could very likely be because of depression-which it's not uncommon for hormonal fluctuations in women to trigger.  But more than any depression you may or may not have right now, I would be fearful that the way you feel now could potentially be a "breeding ground" for post partum depression-which can be incredibly debilitating and harmful to you and the baby if it gets severe. I can appreciate the feeling of being "too proud" to seek out help, BUT it is also incredibly important to do so for yourself and your child. 

post #3 of 23
Thread Starter 

HI and thank you for responding! I really appreciate your taking the time to read though.


I hope I didn't sound too stand offish, I definitely didn't want to come across to someone that I would argue any suggestions. I'm honestly trying to keep an open mind about this.


I’ve been casually reading up on those brochures they have at the Dr's office on postpartum depression. Curious that maybe thats what I was feeling. I don't think I’m showing any of the symptoms of it though. I’m not suicidal, I don't want to hurt the baby, I don't feel a sense of lost or hopelessness. I’m sleeping very well, and been eating fine. I’m a happy person otherwise. But I dunno, then again. I’m not a Dr.


I do have a friend who is a doula that I’ve tried to talk about this with. I kinda brought up some of what I was feeling, too test the water to see how she would react. I got very strange looks from her and I almost feel like she was kinda bewildered by my comments. So I just swayed the conversation in a different direction. I also fear talking with a Dr of any kind because that would put me on some kind of red flag list. I don't like Dr’s very much. I just want them to check to make sure things are running smoothly and then be on my way.


Also I don't hate kids, I actually really love them. I used to teach art education for 6yrs, kids ranging in ages from preschool and up before cutbacks in our school district. Now I work as a artist on children’s educational games. I like helping and seeing them learn the abc’s, 123’s, colors and shapes. But when I’m around other moms and parents, I just can't really connect with them.


I dunno, maybe what I’m worried about, this anxiety I’m feeling is really nothing. I’m just really tired of the strange looks for being different. I haven’t met anyone with similar feelings or stories that people can sympathize with. I’m not panicking for not having anything ready. Not worried about the labor process, seems pretty straightforward from what I’ve been told to me so far.


Maybe once the attention wears off things will get better. I’m not used to people asking me “How I’m feeling” 20 times a day. I don't understand why they should care. I mean.. I know they care, people around me want to help and its not like I don't want it. Its that I just I’m stuck with how to handle it.


I guess I could attempt to talk to the Dr the next visit, but deep down I just don't want to be a bother. And its kinda hard for me to explain. Since I’m not even sure how to explain my feelings correctly.  :|

post #4 of 23

Welcome, Kakuna :)

 

I feel some of the things you're describing, honestly.  I have been somewhat ambivalent about this pregnancy all along.  I am not a first time mom, though, so part of my ambivalence comes from my awareness that as awesome as a new baby will be, he will also be a ton of work, and with a two year old who keeps me exhausted all the time, I'm just not as excited about adding to my work/worry load.  As my due date approaches I feel more anxiety than excitement.  I have bought a few little baby things, but not many.  Not having a shower, and aside from DP, I don't even think anyone in my life is all that excited about me having another baby.

 

 

Something thefreckledmama said rings true for me, at least.  I think I'm suffering from a kind of low level depression.  Nothing brings me much joy, and the strongest feelings I have right now are usually worry or fear.  I have been dreading the postpartum period, as I've had PPD after two of my three kids were born. 

 

But from another perspective- I do think our modern day consumer culture tends to overwhelm the baby welcoming process a bit.  Showers, colors, nursery themes and all the bells and whistles- most of that crap is totally unnecessary.  If you have a safe place for baby to sleep (either with you or otherwise) and can feed and clothe the little one, and a safe way to transport him/her, you've got most of it taken care of.  Everything else is pretty much just gravy and fun for some but a hassle for others.

 

Have you thought about whether you're going to stay home with the baby for a while, or if not, have you made arrangements for childcare?  Seems like some things can be put aside but some will create crises if not dealt with soon.

post #5 of 23

Welcome!

I don't have time to write/think out a good reply right now, my 5yr old will not allow it. lol

 

The depression will just get worse after you have the baby. Look into placenta encapsulation, it was a life saver after my first pregnancy. I was a wreck before I got my pills!! The woman who runs this site did my placenta but since then she has trained reps in other areas, check it out you may have someone near you! http://placentabenefits.info/  It does sound a little gross but in pill form anyone can do it. =D

 

BTW I haven't done much for my baby either and have no clue on baby names!!
 

post #6 of 23
Kahuna, u should talk to your dr or midwife. I've had depression previously so I have a special midwife that sees me at home as I'm more at risk of pregnancy depression. I have had some of the signs of depression but I'm dealing with them at the moment ok.
i too didn't want to do anything for the baby till I got to about 29-30 weeks, I think this was because I had a miscarriage before and at the back of my mind I kept thinking I would lose her. I didn't want to connect with her invade I lost her. In my mind it would be easier if I don't connect. I don't think that total motherly bond Is there yet, I'm hoping it will come with time. I've never been able to 'get on' with kids, and little babies scare me witless. Everyone also says it will be different when they're your own, but I'm glad my DB is awesome with kids so I can rely on him heavily.
Talking on here will help, just talking will help. Don't ignore the feelings coz it will get worse.
Good luck
post #7 of 23
Thread Starter 

Hi again


I spent most of the day at the pool yesterday, to think about somethings.  Felt good work really stretch and work out the legs a bit. Sitting in the office all day during the workweek with a computer has been just blah. I do get up to stretch a lot, but that pool has been just wonderful! Thought I’d mention it because it been getting me through these last few weeks.


@ Jenny I think you hit it right on the nose with “ But from another perspective- I do think our modern day consumer culture tends to overwhelm the baby welcoming process a bit. “


I can not agree with this more. I mean I look around and see though all the marketing, scare tactic ploys companies, Dr’s, whoever try on pregnant women. It really makes me think people are being led like sheep! And I’m the one black sheep not following with the rest of the herd.  I should say I do have quite a bit of marketing experience in my background. There are important no-brainer things that yeah, you should do.  But the rest to me is just unnecessary fluff stuff. The fact that I haven’t bought into the baby craze thing is where I get the strange looks from. It makes me feel bad and incredibly guilty. I haven’t felt peer pressure this bad since high school. Now I’m getting information from other adults, the stakes are higher, and I want make sure I’m doing the right thing. However there is no drive or motivation to actually do it. Maybe that will just come?


I think we do have a car seat someone gave us somewhere, I’ve been putting random gifts people have been giving us into my daughters future room.  I guess we should try and make sure it fits. :D I say this jokingly, but I also do know its important.


As for after and the taking care of the baby thing, thankfully I can telecommute and work from home most days of the week. I only have to go in for meetings and on those days my Husband said he’s willing to take over. My boss has already said,” do what you need to do and will work it in. “ He knows I’m a bit of a workaholic. So work isn’t concerned.  I should clarify when I say I’m a workaholic it means I just really take on whatever project I need to do and give it my all.  I consider kid raising thing a full time job too so its not like I’m going to abandon family life for a career. I know in time I’m going to have to find that healthy balance of doing both.


@ serena76

Yeah, I will have to admit after having 2 miscarriages I also have that feeling in the back of my mind I will lose this one.  I also have a co-worker who lost theirs at birth. So I completely understand the not wanting to get too attached to baby thing. Because I didn’t get attached to the first 2 I didn’t cry, have any emotional feelings with it. I just went on about my day and focused on work. The realist in me just goes it happens, nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome.


I don't think I have depression. Doesn’t depression mean you feel something emotional? I’m not moody, I don't cry. Eating fine, sleeping fine. I don't feel overwhelmed stressed or anything. Still enjoying life and I’m happy.  Although I have been withdrawing from friends and family only because I just don't want to talk about the baby. If they wouldn’t bring it up every time I’d see them more. I absolutely HATE them touching my stomach. I’ve asked them repeatedly to not do it and said nicely that I don't like it. Some of them are respectful showing restraint,  but others can't listen so I’m going to have to start breaking fingers soon to get the point across.


--


I’d hate for friends and family to think I’m ungrateful. I really appreciate the help, just I don’t think they understand me and how I feel. There starting not to know how to react around me which is making the air uncomfortable. Its more or less I want them to come down to see things at my level rather than expect me come up to be the typical baby mommy at their level.


I’m starting to fear that if I don't pretend to start enjoying this that something bad is going to happen. Not something I’m going to do, but society around me is going to dictate that I’m not fit to be a parent. Which is why I’m trying to stay remotely anonymous with this. I’ve seen situations backfire on people because they were not able to communicate correctly which I know I’ll flub up, and they lose their kids to a social worker. I also don't want to be checked up on after the kid is born. That just makes me feel like I’m being judged and I’m doing something wrong. I know when the baby is born I’m going to have to pretend to express non-existent emotions just to get through all the checkpoints and warning signs hospitals have. I’m not looking much forward to that.  I am willing to care for her, I just know I’ll love her differently than most people do. I’m not to the point where I’m Spock from StarTrek, but if I have to identify with any personality type that would be me. Just think Spock who is happy and likes to joke around. In other words I have a very military sense about me. Here is an objective, heres how we solve said objective, execute plan, objective complete.


The anxiety I’m feeling is just more peer pressure I’m guessing?  That what I’m more concerned with is how people are reacting to me then the actual process of having a baby?

 

For now I’m content with watching my husband beam with the excitement I wish I had. He’s honestly been really wonderful, He kind of wished I was more difficult on him just to have those pregnant stories to share with  the other guys. To which I reply, just make one up and I’ll go with it. "snicker"

post #8 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kakuna View Post

I don't think I have depression. Doesn’t depression mean you feel something emotional? I’m not moody, I don't cry. Eating fine, sleeping fine. I don't feel overwhelmed stressed or anything. Still enjoying life and I’m happy.  Although I have been withdrawing from friends and family only because I just don't want to talk about the baby. 

 

Kakuna, first off, welcome! 

this group is a mix of people who already have children (and obviously know way more about what is NEEDED in terms of preparation) and total newbies, like you and me. i can identify with many things you wrote. especially in the beginning of my pregnancy i was like that, wondering if there was something wrong with me. meanwhile (week 31), i AM starting to get excited, and i let all the other mamas here inspire me to start nesting and preparing. but i still feel a bit alienated by the whole experience - which makes sense because i have NO IDEA what's about to happen. i've had zero exposure to babies so far, i am NOT one of those people who "always knew they wanted to be a mum", etc. but, luckily i feel like that isn't necessary to be a good mom either. 

 

partially it sounds to me like you just have a lot of common sense and aren't getting carried away with consumptionism and all these expectations people have reserved specifically for women when they (a) get married, (b) get pregnant. bet your husband isn't getting nearly as many questions as you!

you do not have to buy into all the crap that people ADD to pregnancy. the thought of a baby shower repulsed me initially, as did the thought of preparing a nursery, or getting things for the baby. we haven't bought anything yet except for a dresser. i finally decided i did want a baby shower, but it will be co-ed, and there won't be any games. my registry took me weeks or months to get together. and i realized later i probably have the most boring registry people have ever seen. not too much fun stuff on it really, just the very basics i imagine we'd need, but in good quality. i envision my baby shower being a get together with our friends who we haven't seen much lately due to preparations and moving and all that, planning a veg-friendly BBQ on our patio.

 

yesterday i had a "girls day" with a friend - it's probably been years since i've done anything like that. it almost made me feel like "not a girl". we went into a baby clothing store and she picked out all these blue clothes (yup, having a boy here) and i was trying hard not to sound judgmental.. we don't want gender-specific colors on our child. she picked out mini barets and baby-sized button-down shirts and they just looked totally silly to me. but i am no longer thinking that something is wrong with me. i recognize that this is just cultural indoctrination. i'm not saying, btw, that people who DO like all this stuff are stupid in any way, i'm just saying that it's not for me, it's not how i want to raise MY child, and that that has absolutely no impact on what kind of mother i'm going to be.

 

alright, so i understand all of that. it didn't even occur to me you could have "baby shower colors" (OMFG are you kidding me) until my friend asked me about it yesterday!!!

 

next point. i do feel, though, that there is something else in your posts. i don't want to label you "depressed", BUT. the lack of emotional engagement CAN be a sign of depression. at the very least there might be some denial going on, possibly as a self-defense mechanism since you've had two miscarriages. how were you handling those, emotionally? also, with the little bit of family background you gave us here, it sounds like you don't have the support from your family you might want or need, and maybe all of that was missing when YOU were growing up. not trying to psychoanalyze here, but i can just relate to that part. being pregnant has made me think about my own growing up A LOT. i've been feeling very sad about the missing connection to my family and that i have absolutely no support now and never had it. well, and now YOU are about to become a mother. the roles are about to change -- yes, i believe these things can have an impact on you. 

 

generally, about depression: no, it's not always that you're just so damn sad you wanna kill yourself. one sign of depression can be a LACK of emotional response over a longer period of time (i think the diagnostic criterion in the US is a persistent lack of emotional response for more than 2 weeks). since you're saying you're happy otherwise, this might not be the case, but i wanted to mention it here. there is also a form of constant low-level depression called dysthymia that is particularly hard to diagnose, since people who suffer from it generally have been living with it for years and to them it's just become "who they are". they go through major life changes and it's all the same to them. they show little excitement or variation in emotions. maybe you wanna look that one up and see if it describes some of what you're going through. 

 

i also noticed in the way you refer to your baby as a velociraptor and a little alien that that sounds like you don't have a connection with this baby yet. i don't think buying a lot of stuff connects you with your baby. but there are other ways, more spiritual maybe, to connect with this PERSON. 

 

overall i get the impression that you're just alien-ated by the whole process, but it's hard to tell if that's weird. some people hate pregnancy. some people don't do with all the fuss. they go through it, give birth, then they have a baby and are still the same people. and still are good parents. i also think it's totally normal to be alienated since your body is going through so many changes that sometimes this most natural transition doesn't feel natural to me at all. (and what does that in return say about our modern world?)

post #9 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by vc2013 View Post

 

next point. i do feel, though, that there is something else in your posts. i don't want to label you "depressed", BUT. the lack of emotional engagement CAN be a sign of depression. at the very least there might be some denial going on, possibly as a self-defense mechanism since you've had two miscarriages. how were you handling those, emotionally? also, with the little bit of family background you gave us here, it sounds like you don't have the support from your family you might want or need, and maybe all of that was missing when YOU were growing up. not trying to psychoanalyze here, but i can just relate to that part. being pregnant has made me think about my own growing up A LOT. i've been feeling very sad about the missing connection to my family and that i have absolutely no support now and never had it. well, and now YOU are about to become a mother. the roles are about to change -- yes, i believe these things can have an impact on you. 

 

generally, about depression: no, it's not always that you're just so damn sad you wanna kill yourself. one sign of depression can be a LACK of emotional response over a longer period of time (i think the diagnostic criterion in the US is a persistent lack of emotional response for more than 2 weeks). since you're saying you're happy otherwise, this might not be the case, but i wanted to mention it here. there is also a form of constant low-level depression called dysthymia that is particularly hard to diagnose, since people who suffer from it generally have been living with it for years and to them it's just become "who they are". they go through major life changes and it's all the same to them. they show little excitement or variation in emotions. maybe you wanna look that one up and see if it describes some of what you're going through. 

 

i also noticed in the way you refer to your baby as a velociraptor and a little alien that that sounds like you don't have a connection with this baby yet. i don't think buying a lot of stuff connects you with your baby. but there are other ways, more spiritual maybe, to connect with this PERSON. 

 

overall i get the impression that you're just alien-ated by the whole process, but it's hard to tell if that's weird. some people hate pregnancy. some people don't do with all the fuss. they go through it, give birth, then they have a baby and are still the same people. and still are good parents. i also think it's totally normal to be alienated since your body is going through so many changes that sometimes this most natural transition doesn't feel natural to me at all. (and what does that in return say about our modern world?)

 

So much of this is pretty much what I was going to say, so I'm just going to go ahead and copy and paste vc2013's post and say "I agree with all of this". :P

 

When you say you are having anxiety, it sounds like it's really only happening when people directly ask you about anything to do with the pregnancy or baby, or you're anticipating them to do so, am I right? If so, then that's definitely a circumstantial thing, so I'd be less worried about having anxiety than the possibility of depression. I agree that you should talk to your healthcare provider about these feelings, or lack thereof, that you're having. I think it would be very important to have that person and your partner keeping a close eye on you for symptoms of PPD after the baby arrives. I've heard that in many cases, we don't really recognize it in ourselves when we have it. Or you minimize how much it really affects you and don't seek help. If others are looking out for you and know what to watch for, they can bring it to your attention.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of flexibility in regards to your work, which I think is fantastic! Maybe staying at home with the baby will really help you forge that bond. On the other hand, some moms really do best if they can get more of a break from their babies, so returning to work is the best plan for them. From what you write, it sounds like you could easily go either way after baby arrives and I think that's good. That way, you can try the at-home thing and if it's not quite for you, you have the option to go back to the office for work. Just pointing this out to keep in mind. There's no shame or problem with either of those situations. Find what works best for you.

 

Keep talking! Hopefully, it will help you work out those feelings. Good luck to you. smile.gif

post #10 of 23

I also wanna make a point that while there is post partum depression, there is post partum psychosis. Which you may be at risk for. That's what worries me a bit about your post, is that at some point SOMETHING may pop up. The sooner you talk to your doctor about your concerns, the easier it will be to address them if something happens. 

 

I am SO SORRY you tried to talk to your friend and she basically laughed you off. As a doula and more importantly as a friend she should have been more concerned and tried to offer SOME sort of support. I'm not saying she should provide you with 110% support but she should have pointed you in the right direction so you could look at resource. 

 

I do agree with a couple other posters about how are society is very consumer driven and wrapped up in the ridiculous notion of gender roles from before the baby is born.  Babies don't need much of anything. They don't even need a crib if you plan on bed sharing. If you're planning to nurse then you don't need bottles. I can see why questions like that can be overwhelming. Some people do enjoy all that and that's fine for them but not everyone is And people assume everyone is into that. For the people who aren't into all that stuff, it can be even more stressful. 

 

I think if you feel safe on this board than it's good to connect and talk about what you're thinking and feeling, like you already have. Perhaps even keeping a journal offline may be helpful and you can just write whatever comes to mind. 

post #11 of 23
Just gonna "yeahthat" all of the above. Keep talking and thinking about it. You are absolutely right: there is no need to buy into the crazy consumerist BS that surrounds marriage/birth/kids, but do consider that you may be depressed. With my exactly zero medical degrees, I can't diagnose anyone, but your story does sound familiar in that way.

Sharing Hyperbole and A Half, which has one of the best explanations of depression I've ever seen:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1

Not that you are necessarily where she is, but it bears thinking about.
post #12 of 23
Thread Starter 

Sorry if this post is more outlined, not a lot of time today as I’m writing this in between meetings at work. :)


@vc2013


Thank you VC2013, your story I can really identify with, its put some of my concerns at ease. At least from what I’m reading its not too uncommon not to have a shower. My sister in law still wants to do something for me since I’ve made it clear I’m not going to be at any shower she wants puts together, she’s now considering a “sip and peek”? I guess that’s something you do for after the baby is born?  I’m still on the fence about discussing it further with her.


 

Quote:
alright, so i understand all of that. it didn't even occur to me you could have "baby shower colors" (OMFG are you kidding me) until my friend asked me about it yesterday!!!

 


“chuckles” Wow, well thats a new one on me too. Thank you for the laugh ^^


 

Quote:
i also noticed in the way you refer to your baby as a velociraptor and a little alien that that sounds like you don't have a connection with this baby yet.

 


This is true, I’ve been using code words since we don't have a name yet. I should mention that I volunteer for a alligator education, rescue and rehab center ( I live in Florida ).  I’m a hobbiest herpetologist and so calling it velociraptor is sort of a term of endearment. I have a fondness for reptiles and amphibians. Oh wait we did do something for the baby, I got our snakes out of her future room! We built an outdoor animal enclosure for them last spring. To be fair thats been in the plans for 2 years now, however the baby was a motivation to get it done.


picture! http://bit.ly/18J9YcW


I don't think snakes and babies mesh well with each other.


 

Quote:
there is also a form of constant low-level depression called dysthymia that is particularly hard to diagnose, since people who suffer from it generally have been living with it for years and to them it's just become "who they are". they go through major life changes and it's all the same to them. they show little excitement or variation in emotions. maybe you wanna look that one up and see if it describes some of what you're going through.

 


ahh, yeah that makes sense and more or less sounds like what I’m experiencing. Though I’ve not had anything awful happen to me. Just typical life stuff everyone ( or at least I think ) goes through at some point. I don't reflect negatively on any of my past experiences. I’ve taken the what doesn't hurt you makes you stronger approach. I will admit I do have a tendency to go through major life changes and not have let them affect me very much. I consider this process of having a child not really that much of a big deal, and I don't understand the fuss behind it. It may be a self-defence mechanism I’ve built up over the years, but its worked for me for the most part. Its worth considering and I’ll look into what dysthymia is. Its just, I dunno, I don't view myself as depressed. Like I said, I’m a fairly happy person otherwise.


@ Bromache


 

Quote:
When you say you are having anxiety, it sounds like it's really only happening when people directly ask you about anything to do with the pregnancy or baby, or you're anticipating them to do so, am I right?

 


It’s when people bring up the typical icebreaker pregnancy questions I usually try to divert the conversation to another topic. I don't want to be asked questions I don't have an answer to and seem uncaring. Because if I don't derail the conversation people really get the wrong impression and I start getting the strange looks. I brought it up with my co-worker friend when she prodded me a little more.  Thats when she mentioned I should probably find some sort of outlet to get out what I’m feeling to try rationalize/get through this process. So ultimately thats why I’m here.


@Mama Ana


 

Quote:
I am SO SORRY you tried to talk to your friend and she basically laughed you off. As a doula and more importantly as a friend she should have been more concerned and tried to offer SOME sort of support. I'm not saying she should provide you with 110% support but she should have pointed you in the right direction so you could look at resource

 


:) thanks, and yeah it wasn't the reaction I was expecting. She has still been really sweet to me and has given me paperwork to read over. I think its because I haven’t taken the time to read any of it, and thats why she is getting frustrated with me. So I can understand where she is coming from. If I gave a ton of information to read over to someone else who hasn’t bothered to touch it I can respectively see the frustration. She’s still being supportive, just in her own way.


I guess I have some reading to do and more thinking to be done. You guys have really helped me point me in a better direction than what I was headed in. I have considered making something for her yesterday, or try to do something productive to try and ease into this whole process. But its just everything I attempt to do I ball up  and toss it. Same with starting to go through stuff for the nursery. I just feel like its going to be a waste. I’ve been trying to get attached, nothing is working. I’m at the point today that I just want to have the baby and hand it over to my husband. Which I know isn’t right and won't be fair for him or her. Its frustrating for me not being able to wrap my head around any of this.


Edited by Kakuna - 7/29/13 at 11:12am
post #13 of 23

FWIW, the first few days of my oldest's life, when she cried, she sounded *just* like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park.  No joke...lol.

post #14 of 23
Thread Starter 

ha thefreckledmama, at least I'm not the only one who see this. Really I mean, kids run around like little velociraptors sometimes, they have the high pitched screams, sharp daggers ( fingernails ) and like to get into everything and anything. Not a negative thing, just an observation :D

post #15 of 23

I've been dealing with similar thoughts throughout this pregnancy.  First of all, even though I always knew I wanted kids, I've never been a 'kid person.'  When my nieces were born I just felt awkward around them.  The thought of having kids scared me; even though I wanted them I still figured it would kind of 'ruin' my life.  This pregnancy was unplanned and for the first month after finding out I went back and forth over if I should keep it.  I decided to keep it because I love my husband, he really wanted it, I'm 29 and for all I know I might not have another chance, I'd probably  regret it if I had an abortion, etc.  

 

I kept waiting for it to feel 'real.'  My mom said that as soon as she heard my heart beat she 'fell in love.'  That didn't happen for me.  Even seeing the ultrasound, I felt nothing.  It was cool, but didn't seem like it was happening.  Feeling the baby move has helped me feel more attached, but still I sometimes think I'm not feeling like I should be.  I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow, which means the baby could come in 2 weeks.  I guess I'm thinking I should be feeling more like a 'mother' than I do.  It still feels kind of unreal that there will be a baby here, and I'll be his mom!  I can't really understand what that means, it's so outside my frame of reference.  So sometimes the thought that I will have a kid FOREVER terrifies me.  DH is no help with this, b/c he's not worried at all!  Though I must admit I've been feeling better about everything starting a couple months ago, and especially over the last few weeks.  I think what really has helped me is meditating and just thinking more positively in general.  I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I'm OK with that now.  I just figure it'll all work out.

post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaliHekate View Post

I've been dealing with similar thoughts throughout this pregnancy.  First of all, even though I always knew I wanted kids, I've never been a 'kid person.'  When my nieces were born I just felt awkward around them.  The thought of having kids scared me; even though I wanted them I still figured it would kind of 'ruin' my life.  This pregnancy was unplanned and for the first month after finding out I went back and forth over if I should keep it.  I decided to keep it because I love my husband, he really wanted it, I'm 29 and for all I know I might not have another chance, I'd probably  regret it if I had an abortion, etc.  

I kept waiting for it to feel 'real.'  My mom said that as soon as she heard my heart beat she 'fell in love.'  That didn't happen for me.  Even seeing the ultrasound, I felt nothing.  It was cool, but didn't seem like it was happening.  Feeling the baby move has helped me feel more attached, but still I sometimes think I'm not feeling like I should be.  I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow, which means the baby could come in 2 weeks.  I guess I'm thinking I should be feeling more like a 'mother' than I do.  It still feels kind of unreal that there will be a baby here, and I'll be his mom!  I can't really understand what that means, it's so outside my frame of reference.  So sometimes the thought that I will have a kid FOREVER terrifies me.  DH is no help with this, b/c he's not worried at all!  Though I must admit I've been feeling better about everything starting a couple months ago, and especially over the last few weeks.  I think what really has helped me is meditating and just thinking more positively in general.  I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I'm OK with that now.  I just figure it'll all work out.

This totally is how I've felt
post #17 of 23
Kakuna, I feel like I can relate to you. I tend to be a person who makes everything into "No Big Deal", to the point of downplaying Big Deal stuff as a self-defense mechanism. Part of it is that I don't want to show weakness and part of it is that I've become so self-reliant over the years that I have a hard time accepting other people's help/moral support and therefore playing it cool is easier.
When people ask me how I'm doing I reply with the standard: Fine, how are you? As if they're not inquiring about my pregnancy. The truth is that I do feel fine and other than that it's really none of their concern.
I think we all show love and affection differently. I wonder sometimes if I will be too detached as a mom, too laid back to the point of being apathetic. Since it's something I'm concerned about I know it'll be at the forefront of my mind when I am a parent, so maybe it'll work out to be a checks and balances system that way.
People ask me if I'm excited, perhaps because they want to see that excitement they felt when they learned they were going to have a baby. I'm not excited. I look forward to the experience, it's something I've wanted for a very long time, but excitement to me implies surprise and it certainly wasn't/isn't/won't be.
Overall you sound like a very rational and reasonable person to me, someone who will do what it takes to raise her child in a loving and supportive environment.
post #18 of 23
I wanted to chime in here as well. I'm on baby #2 and had a m/c at 8wks (thankfully just the one) right before my 3yo daughter.

I was very shocked to get pregnant the second time around SO FAST. It was like one try. I hated the first trimester worrying about miscarring as I have a thyroid condition that makes it more likely. I also am not into talking about babies IRL and this is my second time! And that's mostly because the people I am interacting with parent very differently then I do or don't have kids yet-- that's usually worse. As in, wth does my 20-something sister know about breast feeding a toddler? Nothing. Yet she manages to annoy me with her comments. Same goes for MIL who had 5 (yes 5!!!) kids and thinks an appropriate comment for me while pregnant is "wow your baby is gonna be huge!" because I am overweight this time around. The hilarious part about that is, she was overweight her last pregnancy. I was there. I remember. Makes it pretty darn hard to relate to anyone, and to everyone I seem withdrawn I'm sure. I've refused to gossip about other moms and how they parent with anyone because I know what it's like to be gossiped about. I am sure I look like a bitch. I usually just flat out lie and say we have the "nursery" all set up in pink. It closes the conversation about it and makes the person asking feel better, I guess? I'm not into that either but I did/do have fun setting up a kids room. DH and I tapped into our own blissful childhood memories and added posters of cartoons and movies we love (no Disney, more like classic 80s with Carebears, My little pony, Labyrynth etc) and am even heavily considering naming this baby Adora. Maybe you just need some help tapping into that mindset to prepare. I also was very clueless about what is needed-- it's overwhelming and I hated shopping for baby stuff while pregnant. Most because I was SO TIRED. It was agony! But I'm not a huge shopper-- rather do that online for things I know I need now. I love cute pink baby clothes and know what I like now, but when I shopped for #1, my cousins wife picked everything for me. I was fine with that.

I understand sitting at a desk all day then getting home and trying to "prepare" for something no one can really prepare for lol. I can relate to that. Doesn't mean you won't be the most motherly mother ever. I thought I'd suck at this and guess what? I totally love it.

I understand about withdrawing from everyone. Not wanting to be touched, not having a straight answer about anything baby related. I could admit not knowing anything about it the first pregnancy. And it just so happens to be my DDs personality. She's very shy yet assertive. It's interesting how it presented while I was pregnant with her. I also felt great compared to this pregnancy but that might have to do with my general health and having a kid to run after!

My mom passed shortly after my dad when I was 20. I've been where you were though I fought for a full time job making good money as a web developer/designer and ever managed to work for Apple inc! Talk about working a lot... I was pregnant with my first and worked a lot of hours with a bunch of nerdy interns. Mostly men and let me tell you-- there was no relating to them in the parenting sense.

I do love to talk with my lovely mamas in this due date club because they are going through the same stuff as me at the same time. It's so strange to me how ladies "forget" what it's like to be pregnant and labor. I even did!!! I think it's the body's awesome ability to keep us procreating. I always say to DH I feel like I've been taken over by a alien and am in a haze. The second the baby came out-- I just felt different. So strange and weird.

I'm really glad to have this due date club so I can relate to someone, so you are in the right place. Wish I would have been on MDC the first time around.

Just try and get in some labor classes, books about pregnancy/baby and about baby "stuff", just get the things you want. I also agree on PPD though I don't think I had it after baby was born, at least not severely. I had a very hard time with hormones and found out I have thyroid disease (hashimotos) which can affect so much. You could be suffering with an imbalance and I urge you to test for that if you have not already. It'll all come to you how it should-- that's my thinking on the whole thing. Welcome!
Edited by tillymonster - 7/29/13 at 11:57pm
post #19 of 23

For anyone worried about not bonding with the pregnancy, I just wanted to offer my anecdote.

 

I'm not a "natural mom" and I never dreamt as a child that I would grow up to have kids of my own.  Prior to having my own kids, I was awkward around other people's kids - never sure if I should treat them like mini-adults or treat them like, well, kids!  Before my daughter was born, I had never even held a baby, let alone been exclusively responsible for one for any length of time.

 

That being said, I'm on #3, I've gotten less awkward at dealing with kids (though I still wouldn't call it "natural" to watch me parent or interact with kids) and I NEVER bond with a pregnancy until the baby is here.  I shopped for clothes for each of them, I listened to the heartbeat at every prenatal appointment and I thought things like, "Oh, that's nice" but it was never this overwhelming feeling to love and protect and talk to my fetus.  Even in labor, I was incredibly shortsighted in that I didn't put together that the discomfort of labor was in working to get a baby out.  Each time, when they put my newly born baby on me, THAT'S when it hit me.  The labor pains, the heartburn, the painful hips in bed, the waddling, it was all for THIS little person.  And that's when I fall in love and see them as more than just a collection of symptoms; they become MY child.

 

Even if you don't get hit like a ton of bricks post-birth like I do, don't feel bad for not bonding.  I'm on my third and I have finally given myself permission to not feel guilty for not bonding during the pregnancy.  You'll still be a great mom, I absolutely promise you.

post #20 of 23

For me the bonding came slowly over the first 8 weeks or so with my son.  It wasn't that I wasn't pleased to have him, it just took me a while to be fully emotionally engaged and feel connected.  Now I can't imagine loving anyone or anything more.  My OB actually told me at my 6 week postpartum checkup that she'd had a similar experience with her first baby.  It was very comforting.

 

That said, OP, I do get a flavor of deep ambivalence and maybe low-level depression from your posts--and (if I can be so presumptuous) it feels to me a bit like your distaste for the consumerism aspect of early parenting (which I share) may be a bit of a smokescreen for some deeper stuff.  I wonder if it might be useful to have a limited number of sessions with a therapist familiar with perinatal mental health issues just to hash things out a bit?  Most insurances are happy to pay for this.  At worst, it would be a waste of your time, but could also be helpful or at least reassuring.

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