A co-worker suggested I should join some kind of mothers support group. So I searched around the internet ( wasn't fond of meeting anyone in person ) and found you guys. Been slightly lurking before making an account. I'm not even 100% sure what I should be getting out of this, but here goes.
So I’m 34 weeks, age 30, first full term pregnancy ( had 2 miscarriages ) and completely clueless. I’ve done nothing to prepare for little velociraptor to be. When I mean nothing... I actully mean nothing. No consideration for baby names, didn’t get that nesting feeling everyone talks about, no nursery, no baby shower, haven’t stepped foot in a baby store of any kind, and I haven’t done any research as to what goes into this. If you can think of it, I haven’t done it.
The only things I’ve actually done is regular check-ups, staying healthy, eating right, exercising, taking vitamins etc. Which so far this pregnancy thing has been a breeze. Never got the morning sickness, back pain, hip pain... any real side effects everyone talks about having either. Well maybe fatigue, but I think thats an unavoidable one.
I shouldn’t be complaining. Dr’s says everything is going well. My husband is super supportive and helpful. His family has been great. But I’m not excited, nor am I unexcited. I just generally feel nothing. No motivation to do what you would expect a normal pregnant woman should be doing.
Why is this an issue? Mainly because its been giving me unexplainable ( and in my opinion unnecessary ) anxiety. Co-workers start up that usual conversation of “How are you feeling?” Which I politely reply with AWESOME! and then quickly change the subject. I’ve been avoiding the baby talk road with everyone. I just have nothing to add to the conversation. People are asking me, When is the shower? What are your colors? What’s the name going to be? Where are your registered? and I stare at them like a deer in headlights. No shower, no we're not planning a nursery, and as for the name, “eh” will think of something. Which as you would expect, this puts people off. I don't want to come across as unloving, but I can understandably see where people might think that.
I don't want to lie or put on a false face just to appease the masses. So I can’t even pretend to care. Everyone keeps telling me, “oh its different when its your kid!” I’m so sick of every iteration of that reused line. Really, I’ve heard similar versions for all stages of life, my favorite being the marriage one “everything changes once you're married!” yeahh... lived it, and nope just woke up one day with a ring on the finger. Nothing changed ( 3 years in counting )
I’ve talked to my husband about how I feel, our communication has been great. Again super supportive! He’s probably the only one that hasn’t scoffed at me for thinking/feeling the way I do. I do feel guilty that’s he’s been the one on top of getting things done on time. He picked out the hospital, pediatrics for after, filling out all the paperwork etc. But even he can't even explain or ease the anxiety I’ve been feeling when communicating with the outside world.
To add to all this, no I can’t go running to my mom. She passed away in 2006 when I was 23. Immediately after my dad remarried and moved away leaving me alone. College kid, part time job and living out of the car for about a year. My only sibling sister is 15 years older than me, but she lives over 1,000 miles away and has been all my life. So I’m used to being alone with no family support. I mean I know my sister is there for me if I wanted to talk. My Husbands family is the same way always saying if I need to talk they are there, but its been difficult to open up like that. The anxiety kicks in.
No I don't want to go some psychologist, I’m actually pretty content. ( or too proud and stubborn to actually to go to one. ) Deep in my mind I think everyone else it dragging the baby thing out of proportion. I don't see the need to do up a nursery. I don't see the need to buy more then what is minimally required to raise a baby. Bottles, blanket, car seat, some cloths... steak ( ha just kidding the steak is for me ) But I don't want to come across as selfish either. I’m really not that type of person, I’m a team player who will do just about anything to help whoever needs it.
I guess what I’m finally getting at is I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way, or known someone like this. Any help, advice regarding my anxiety issue. Maybe even suggestions on how to overcome it. I don't want to not care, but so far no parenting related feelings have kicked in. Well other then feeling guilty I’m not like the other mothers in the“moms to be” club. Part of me goes; “well I’m just different” and I’m content with it. the other half of me goes; “What is wrong with you? why can't you care about the living alien kicking your bladder 100 times a day.”
Regardless though I’m honestly probably going to hang around here for awhile because like I said... I’m completely clueless. All of you amaze me with your planning and organization, even preparing freezer meals for after. I hadn't even thought of that. I’ve read through almost every thread last night before deciding to actually post this. I’d like to met some friends here, though I’d understand if you think I’m some uncaring wacko after divulging my back story. I could use the support. I kinda do feel alone in this. Like I said, its just difficult to open up and talk anyone in person to someone. Which is why I'm giving this a try.
Thanks for reading. ^^ again I appreciate any support or advice anyone has.