thanks just wanted to process thoughts. deleting for privacy,
Edited by whoami - 8/5/13 at 12:36pm
For me (and check out my UN!), the journey has been about being pretty authentic with myself. I have no interest in being a sacrificing mother. Yes, I do sacrifice sometimes because that's life and reality but I am careful to always keep some space for myself as an individual.
I'm not sure about the whole marriage thing. I'm married. Meh - to me it's not really a big deal one way or another though I'm sure some of the legal stuff is made easier by marriage.
I doubt it would make you feel more married by having the piece of paper though. I think that may be a personality thing.
Good luck on your journey!
I never thought that being engaged or married would make me happier in my relationship, but it did. I can't explain why, either. I think your post was eloquent, thoughtful, and thought provoking. It sounds to me like you want to be married and you want some sort of traditional something in your life. That's OK- you don't have to become traditional in all ways by incorporating some tradition in your life, if that's a worry for you.
I don't usually go on the Spirituality forum but I could see why the feelings surrounding the process of engagement and marriage fall under that category. To me it felt special and opened up a whole new dimension of relationship. It seems to me that you are experiencing a disconnect between the reality that you are a family and the reality that you are not married. If you want to be married to each other, I encourage you to do that. Not because I think that married relationships are more real or valuable. But because it seems to be what will make you happy.
Your last paragraph about family life seems separate from that issue. I can't think of any answers or advice but I think it is a fundamental human struggle. Maybe you are having these feelings because you sense that something needs to change. That could be marriage, location, employment, education, hobbies. Maybe you could just start with one thing to shake things up and change a bit. Like put some new dishtowels in your kitchen. Sometimes just moving in a new direction a tiny bit can help you see a new path.
(As far as practical aspects of a wedding, family dynamics are difficult. I did lots of thinking and planning regarding that. If you want to explore those thoughts here I bet you'll get lots of different views on weddings, what they're about, who they're for, etc. I went with what I thought was simple, fair, and the closest I could get to my vision of the perfect wedding. I weighted things towards my own happiness and I don't regret it. All family that usually shows respect for my own decisions as an adult also respected my decisions with regard to my wedding. I am sad for a small bit of drama it caused but I believed, for me, that the wedding was a private intimate event. When I look back on that day I think it turned out to be the perfect wedding. Do you have a vision of the perfect wedding?)
Also, if you want to consider yourselves married and keep using the words husband/wife I think that's a fine option. It just seemed like a simple, small wedding might be something that would appeal to you. In any case, being a family/partner/mom can be hard. Hang in there. I'll be watching to see if anyone has any good advice on that!