I am not sure if what I am going through is postpartum, but my mother has a feeling it may be, and I am scared. I had a baby March, 2013. Everything was perfect the first couple of months, I did have some weird homesick feelings that came and went while I was breastfeeding, but I developed Mastitis and stopped breastfeeding within a month. The homesick feelings went away and I felt normal again. My period also started normally the next month. I also have a 4 year old who I have never felt what I am about to talk about.
Well it is now July, and as of the 13-14 (ovulation time) I was about to go the gym and all of a sudden I felt so sad and overwhelmed and I did not understand why. My husband took me for a drive, but I still felt sad and I DID NOT WANT TO BE HOME. I still don't and I don't know why. Anyway, I had some severe ovulation cramps so I took a bath to relax. The second I stepped out of the bath I started to feel anxious, scared, the world felt so fake and unreal, I thought I was going to die. My body felt tingly, and I just wanted to cry but I couldn't (Anxiety attack, did not know at the time) My husband had to drive me around at 1 am to calm me down. I had severe panic attacks until about a week ago.
Since then, I have felt so sad and confused. I feel like my mind is going to go crazy because I keep thinking I am dying (hypochondria), or just because my mind is racing so much about life I feel like life is pointless. Now, when it comes to looking at my baby, I am afraid something is going to happen to him. Or worse, I am fearing I will do something to him (I have no intention at all, but it is just a fear) or I keep thinking that I will go crazy and hurt myself(Same fear). I wake up several times in the night checking on them and making sure they are alright. I love my babies so much, I feel like I have to hold my newborn because I don't want to become distant, but at the same time, I am afraid to hold him because I don't feel good enough for him or my daughter. Everyday feels like a dream on and off. I can't stand to be alone even when my babies are with me I still feel alone. I hate when my husband is at work, or the gym, or gone at all. But the second he is home, or family comes to visit, or I go into town I feel fine. I feel like me. But the second I know I have to go home, I get depressed and night time I hate it because I know tomorrow will be another day alone. I am up almost every night watching movies to keep my mind from wandering. I feel like crying everyday, but I can't and it makes it worse. Even thinking about another exhausting day with my babies makes me want to cry. I also think about the fact that death is unpreventable, which makes me even more depressed. Never thought like this before :(
I started Viibryd for antidepressants and Xanax for anxiety a week ago. When my doctor prescribed it I thought something else triggered it and I didn't even think it was postpartum. Viibryd has helped a little, and I don't need Xanax anymore which is good. But this morning was the first time in a week where I woke up feeling like I was going to have a mental breakdown, and how I thought it was just another pointless day. Please help, I don't know where else to turn, and my therapist won't be available until August 27th. I don't feel good enough at all to do anything, or good enough for others attention. I haven't been able to do anything in my home because I feel so depressed, and like it is pointless.