Most recent update on post #32.----
Before I go into what I hope to be a brief story.. I am hoping to hear from parents who have not always been the gentle discipline type, but managed to change to it with or with out difficulty. My purpose in hearing from these types of parents is because I feel like I'll never be able to turn it (my anger issues) around and I desperately NEED and want to.
So my title says some of the issues. I'm an honest person and at times too honest. I opened this account with the sole purpose of getting help for the issues I don't talk about or I talk about a little but not all for fear of judgment by other parents (i.e. my other mama friends). However, I also get that there are things I need to be judge on. There are times when I have been out of control, borderline/past the line abusive and I need to end that side of my "parenting" now.
I never dreamed I would be the type of parent I am today. I never thought I'd yell or spank. I am an atheist and I believe in humanitarianism to its fullest. For the most part I am kind and caring to people. I generally adore all forms of humanity and want my children to be peaceful and happy. Most of my friends would call me funny, honest, open-minded, and fun to be around. SO... where did I go wrong. It went wrong the first time I spanked and it worked. My daughter (now 5) listened and did as told. My son (now 2.5) never has taken to spanking and hits back, to which I have stupidly retaliated against... don't hit- here let me hit you to get you not to hit. I'm not a stupid person and yet I've done a lot of stupid sh** when it comes to parenting. I love them but they enrage me. I hate when I'm not listened too. I can't stand when I say "pick up your toys" 1 million times and then walk in to find a worse mess than the one I last saw. Mostly though I become the worst type of parent when my partner and I are fighting. Again I'm not a stupid person... Yet when I get overwhelmed and stressed out I take it out on the kids. It wasn't always as bad as it is now and its not always bad. I do yell almost everyday... at some point and sometimes its more of a raised voice than a yell. I don't spank everyday or week. We also have days when I'm the best parent I can be and everything is peachy keen. I KNOW I confuse my kids. I have vicious mood cycles for which I had help at one point but that help ended the moment I turned 18, lucky me. I'm in my late twenties now.
I have rage issues. I know this and I know where they come from. I asked my family for help financially to start seeing a therapist (again) 3-4 years ago. I knew then that my parenting was going to be effected by issues of my past and present. Certain elements beyond my control... some of you may huff about that statement and I don't want to go into all the details because then this post would be too long. But please note I am not one to play victim, I am accountable for my actions. I'm pointing out that I saw this coming. I knew the moment I first spanked my daughter that I would not only feel bad about it but that I wouldn't know how to stop. I never got help for my anger issues (not just anger but depression and self-esteem) and I'm still asking. Still searching for outside help. I have no extra cash. In public I'm typically the type of parent I need/want to be all the time. Not every time, but most of the time. I don't really need advice on how to be a gentle parent because I've been that parent... in public or when I have family/friends over. I purposely take the kids out for long periods at a time because I'm at my best away from our home. Usually at least. Lately even being out has become a challenge. In the beginning, it was easy as pie to keep my cool. It seems the more I have lost my control, the easier it has become to loose it. At this point I wake up feeling like a ticking time bomb.
My children are 5 and 2.5. I need to be better. Part of getting better (I know) means therapy to work through the issues that cause me to have trouble parenting how I know I should. I don't have the funds now but its one of the first things I'm saving towards. We are currently in the process of loosing our home and forced to find another. I say this only to help people understand where my current stress level is. I'm a SAHM. I have a partner, we are not married by choice. Our future tends to look bleek but there also may be a chance that we can change our lives for the better and soon. I want to change my parenting for the better now (yesterday) so that we can go on to be the type of family I dreamed about.
Anyways, I'd love to hear from those who turned over a new leaf. Maybe it happened the moment of birth. Maybe it happened later on. Whenever it happened, I'm interested in hearing how and what made the change. Positive stories are a plus! If you have never spanked or yelled and have never dealt with rage issues, feel free to comment, but it will be hard for me to relate to you. Maybe still, however, you could share some of your methods of keeping calm and collected during times of stress since I know there isn't a single parent out there who hasn't been stressed by the kids or by outside influences at some point.
A couple weeks ago I found an article by Orange Rino about yelling and how she stopped yelling for 365 days... now she's well over that. Anyways in the article she stated, she knew she had the ability to control her yelling because she didn't yell in public. I thought, not only was that honest, but that its true for me as well. I know I have the ability to control my temper, to get on my kids level, to listen and to discipline in a firm, but kind manner that teaches instead of indoctrinating robots. I want my children raised to be free thinkers. I know majority of the things that bug me now about them are going to be wonderful qualities in their adulthood. They are honestly amazing and extremely beautiful children... yes I'm bias but I hear it everywhere I go. Lately my daughter has been acting like mommy and its been a real eye opener. My eyes have never been shut to the issues I have. I did at one point think I could get a handle on all of it myself, but alas I couldn't. I try and I try again and I keep failing. Hence my searching for outside help... I cant afford therapy, but I'm hoping to possibly set up an online support network. I'd love to find others like me who want to change and just need a little extra support to push them on the right path.
Thanks for reading.
Edited by Shhhnevermind - 9/9/13 at 8:10am