I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place for my questions and worries but I'd like to know what you all think. I've been reading this forum for a long time to see how other parents interact with their children while secretly wishing my own parents could be more like that. I'm not a teen anymore but I'm still under 21 and I've only just started to realize how many issues I've got and it's very hard to deal with them on my own. And there is absolutely no one I could talk to about them, in person.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start. My main problem seems to be at the moment that I finally realized I was gay, and I started to feel sexually attracted to women and have innocent (but to me upsetting) dreams about them every night. I feel incredibly guilty and scared of it all. Then there's the fact that I've had eating disorders for the last five years. I'm doing okay now compared to how it used to be but I'm still not sure if I'm over it. I know this is my way of dealing with things, this and cutting but I'd rather not go into these topics because they are not the real problems, but my coping methods.
I have so much self-hatred and self-disgust for my body, it makes me sad. I hate being unable to control what it does and I think that started with puberty. You see, my mother never told me what was going to happen to my body, I only had a 10 minute very awkward talk with her when my body was already going through some major changes. All of it was very unexpected and I didn't want it to happen. And I'm not sure if I ever accepted it. I'm constantly terrified my body will let me down in one way or another.
I really don't know what else to say. I think that is mostly it. I have talked about some of my issues (mainly being a lesbian) with others on the internet but I don't feel like it helped me in the way I'd hoped it would. If I was your daughter/sister/cousin/friend/student/etc., what would you tell me? What advice could you give me? Please don't say I should talk to a psychologist because I've already done that and it ended terribly, I'm not sure I'll ever have the courage to open up like that again only to be disappointed and to be told I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I'm sick (for being gay). I regularly cut myself, starve myself, deprive myself of water and sleep because of things I do not want to feel.
I just want to be told that it's going to be alright and that someone would want me and that I'm not unbearable (as my mother tells me all the time). I don't want to be a disappointment, I want to be perfect but I know that's not possible. But I am scared to be flawed and imperfect because I'm afraid people would pick on me even more. I was bullied terribly in school and no one helped me.
I am aware that this is my life and I have to life it the way I want and not how others want me to. Because in the end, they only see 10% of it and the rest is up to me to deal with. But I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I hate my body so much that sometimes I'm ready to die. I'm not suicidal most of the time, you don't have to worry about that when giving an answer, I don't want the focus to be on that. I know all the effects and causes, but I need to understand more about them and how to deal with them. I'm going away to university in less than a months and I don't want to find myself dead just because I couldn't deal with life (and my inevitable attractions to women).
Thank you for reading, it was a very long post, I'm sorry. (If this not the right place for it, please delete the thread.)