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when your children are ready to have sex... - Page 2

post #21 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

I'm sorry, I hope I'm not taking this thread too far off topic. 

 

When you say safe, what do you meant?  Safe, how? In contrast, what is unsafe?  (I hope my tone sounds sincere. I don't know how to phrase these questions so that it's entirely clear I'm not challenging you!)

 

I really don't think I need to support or worry about where my kid is having sex. It would feel weird, not very parental, to actively make it easier to have sex.  Honestly, I kinda think they should have to sneak around just like dh and I had to. lol.gif   Have sex in cars. Sneak in the parents' house when they're not there. But we were both 18 and in college by then. We breathed a huge sigh of relief when dh got an apartment.

lol.gif ok in my defense, i come from a different planet. i did not grow up here. all my knowledge comes from hollywood movies and thus i worry. lol.gif  but reading from you all it seems like i dont really need to worry. i dont mind cars and parents homes. :)

post #22 of 34

My daughters are 15 and 17, and they're so much "younger" than I was at their ages.  I had a really dysfunctional home life, and went to a rough, gang-ridden school, so drugs and sex and "bad" friends were just a part of the picture.  My girls are more focused on academics, music, sports, and reading, and they're best friends with each other, so they don't feel like they need to get out of the house with other people as much and they're not as socially out there.  DD1, in fact, has to be forcibly ejected sometimes, because her idea of a great weekend is knitting, reading manga, watching Korean dramas, looking at what George Takei has posted on fb, and practicing her cello.  DD2 is more social, but though she's had some big crushes, she hasn't had a boyfriend yet.

 

I'm grateful for their relative innocence, because I am really uncomfortable talking with them about sex.  I know that sets me apart here, and I envy the ease with which you all can discuss what needs to be discussed.  I was never sexually abused, but the way my mother pressed the subject on me as a child has had lifelong repercussions.  She started by showing me sexually explicit pictures from "The Joy of Sex" around age 4, and continued with the "education," by periodically bringing that book out and by describing sex in detail.  She walked around naked frequently, and commented on my body very casually and often, and as soon as I was about ten years old she became very suspicious of every interaction I had with the opposite sex.  If I took a shower after being out with friends, it had to be to wash off the smell of the sex I'd been having.  If I wore too much makeup or we got into an argument I was a "dirty little whore."  If my stomach hurt or I complained of nausea, I must be pregnant- even before my periods began, and years before I became sexually active (I was 16 and he was my wonderful long term HS boyfriend).

 

Anyway, my poor mom really sucked at some aspects of parenting.  She was horribly sexually abused for years as a small child and into adolescence, and while I know that what she did to me was wrong, I don't think she had the tools to do it right.

 

I'm admittedly very sexually repressed- prude even.  And I find it cripplingly difficult to talk to my kids about this stuff.  I have had the basic talks with them over the years, age appropriate stuff, so they're not getting all their info from sex ed and friends, but beyond the very very basic stuff, I don't know how to make myself relate to them about this.  I am glad to read the responses and anecdotes in this thread, though.

post #23 of 34

Jenny, ouch. What a painful upbringing.  It's obvious that you are doing the best you can, and your daughters are getting the healthy atmosphere they deserve.

 

This sounds so trite, but there are lots of books about teaching your child about sex that might be helpful to you. Joy of Sex not being one of them. wink1.gif 

 

Someone upthread mentioned the Unitarian's sex ed course. Sounds intriguing!

 

 

Your DD1 sounds like me when I was that age. Love it!


Edited by journeymom - 8/17/13 at 2:08pm
post #24 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

Jenny, ouch. What a painful upbringing.  It's obvious that you are doing the best you can, and your daughters are getting the healthy atmosphere they deserve.

 

This sounds so trite, but there are lots of books about teaching your child about sex that might be helpful to you. Joy of Sex not being one of them. wink1.gif 

 

Someone upthread mentioned the Unitarian's sex ed course. Sounds intriguing!

 

 

Your DD1 sounds like me when I was that age. Love it!

Thanks, journeymom :)

 

It was good and bad, you know?  My mom got it right more than she got it wrong. This is just one of those places she got it very wrong, IMO.

 

I'll look into some books- it's been in the back of my mind to open up some new conversations with them for a while, but I've been procrastinating.  This thread is a helpful bump.

 

And yeah, DD1 is such a cute person.  She's like a little old lady from another century, trapped in the body of a modern teenager :)

post #25 of 34

Sorry for the things that you encountered when growing up, I understand more than I wish I did.

 

There is nothing wrong with be uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, we as a society can have issues accepting that our children are

sexual beings. They are over sexualized and at the same time, we forget that humans are born as sexual creatures. It can be so confusing

and hard....how do we balance it??

 

You can bring up really benign things around the topic....friends, etc. and let them know that because of the way you were raised, you are not

comfortable with the subject BUT that you are always there for them if they have questions and that you love them enough to talk to them

anyways.

 

It sounds like you raised to very well-adjusted kids....just remember that they will have questions and that they shouldnt worry about making

you uncomfortable, so maybe focus on them knowing that??

 

 

--on a side note Jenny. My mom was the same way (however she was sexually abusive too) it was like you were describing her for me. My

thoughts to you.

post #26 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post

Thanks, journeymom :)

 

It was good and bad, you know?  My mom got it right more than she got it wrong. This is just one of those places she got it very wrong, IMO.

 

I'll look into some books- it's been in the back of my mind to open up some new conversations with them for a while, but I've been procrastinating.  This thread is a helpful bump.

 

And yeah, DD1 is such a cute person.  She's like a little old lady from another century, trapped in the body of a modern teenager :)

 



The best book I found that worked for us is The First Nine Months.  http://www.amazon.com/The-First-Nine-Months-Life/dp/0671459759   Not a sex education book but one on the developing baby from conception to birth and newborn.  I started using it when I was pregnant with my 2nd as a way of explaining to my then 2.5 yo first what was happening to mommy and to introduce her gently to her new sibling.  I used it again when the first 2 were 5 and 3 when I was pregnant with my 3rd and again when my oldest was pregnant with her 3rd when they were living with us and our son was 10.  Since every sex act has the potential of resulting in pregnancy, I don't separate the 2.  As my son says, the only 100% effective birth control is not having sex.

post #27 of 34

This is an awesome, thought-provoking thread.

 

My daughter is 5 months, so I don't expect her to have sex for quite awhile.

 

I do want to keep things age-appropriate even as I provide all wanted (and perhaps even unwanted) on sex.  I see no reason to keep kids in the dark about sex.

 

My husband and I are conservative, however, in sex and do believe it should happen within the bounds of marriage.  We are realistic enough to know we can't enforce that if our kids truly don't feel that way.  But I see no reason why we can't present our values in that regard.  I don't want to present it as you're-evil-if-you-do-it-outside-of-marriage, but rather share the deeper reasonings and insights we have for that.  At the same time, I want them to be able to come to us if they see their lives going a different direction.  Now that I have typed this all out, it seems quite the balancing act.

post #28 of 34

One of the things thats common with a couple of my daughter's friends is that they go to each other's houses when the parents aren't home or they end up in a car behind our local walmart.  To me that's a recipe for disaster and I think that the more kids have to sneak around the less safe they will be.  To me the scary part is the lying and sneaking.

post #29 of 34
Quote:
 This sounds so trite, but there are lots of books about teaching your child about sex that might be helpful to you.

Jennyanydots,  this was almost 4 weeks ago but I wanted to say almost immediately after I wrote it, how perfectly lame that sounds to me.  Just go read some books!  :eyesroll:o

 

I love researching this kind of thing (search, "great sex ed books for kids whose moms a had a tough time of it")! I was going to come back 2 or 3 perfectly chosen, thoughtful, insightful book suggestions. Now I'm laughing at myself.  I'm betting you're getting along just fine.

post #30 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
 

Jennyanydots,  this was almost 4 weeks ago but I wanted to say almost immediately after I wrote it, how perfectly lame that sounds to me.  Just go read some books!  :eyesroll:o

 

I love researching this kind of thing (search, "great sex ed books for kids whose moms a had a tough time of it")! I was going to come back 2 or 3 perfectly chosen, thoughtful, insightful book suggestions. Now I'm laughing at myself.  I'm betting you're getting along just fine.

Get a book is my default whenever I need information about anything.  Asking someone else is never my first thought.  And if the first book doesn't fit my need, I'll get another book and as many as it takes.  Then combine ideas from each book to fit me, my child, and our family.

post #31 of 34
Journeymom, thanks smile.gif

DD2 actually asked me the other day about contraceptives and about when I became sexually active. I had no problem talking about contraceptives, though if you boil my answer down to its most basic, the take home message is that all contraceptive methods are imperfect and if you're not ready to accept the potential consequences of birth control failure, you shouldn't be having sex.

The second part of her question I skirted around. I told her vaguely that I was older than she is (she's 15, I was 16) and that I had no guidance and really wasn't ready.

Then we talked about why she was curious. She is thinking about this stuff but doesn't have a love interest right now so it doesn't seem concrete and imminent. I hope she will continue to be open with me so she's not going through confusing things without guidance, and that I'll recognize the signs if things are changing with her.

I don't know if I really want or need to read more on talking to them about sex, after all. I have given them enough information to understand how their bodies work and how reproduction works, we've talked about abstinence and contraceptives, and they know that across the board, I will always accept and love them and ultimately support them, even when I disagree with their choices. I think if I tried to talk with them more about sex it would feel forced and uncomfortable because discussing such matters in detail- with anyone- is really hard for me, and I think I can accept that about myself without pushing too hard to change...
post #32 of 34

I love this thread!  It's fabulous to find parents who are prepared to wrestle with the issues of their children and sexuality.  It's not at all an easy thing to do....sharing values that are sometimes different than the ones that we grew up with or where a partner's values are somewhat different than our own, or when a community's values are in conflict with our own. 

 

As parents we are always needing to challenge our assumptions and the lessons we learned as kids.  And where sex and sexuality is concerned, our earliest learnings were not always the most comprehensive or respectful of our right to know about our bodies.

 

My kids are young (9 and 6) but I hope that when they decide to become sexually active (which means kissing onward) they do so equipped with sound information and with the ability to communicate openly with their partners.  My job (which started with naming their genitalia properly) is to teach them to understand and love their bodies (and the pleasure it can feel) and to understand the power that sex can hold and which must be weilded with the utmost care. 

 

I started a blog for parents looking to confront and wrestle with these issues.  Thought folks here might be interested.  www.sexplainer.com

post #33 of 34

I am a very conservative person. At the age of 13? As a mother, I think 13 years old is still young. You can talk to her about sex. However, you need to tell her not to engage into that kind of activity yet.

post #34 of 34

 I think a lot of parents dread this. My dh and I have all girls, somehow girls are thought of as being more likely to get hurt by sexual relationships, but I don't beleive that. Yes, girls are the ones who can get pregnant, but in most cases that can be avoided.

 

I did make sure my girls knew (know) the parts of their bodies as small children, learned things organically as they got older. I'm not comfortable sharing MY sex life with my kids, it just isn't their business, but they know their father and I are in love and make love and I'm guessing that's a good role model behavior.

 

I did tell my girls about birth control options. I had a diaphragm when I was 17, used foam the first few times and it left me feeling nervous, so I finally got on the Pill and it was a relief. I wanted to go to college, and didn't want children too early.  I know our oldest one chose The Pill at 16, but somehow she was amazed that I knew she was on The Pill. She told me the first time she had sex, she was in love, they used The Pill AND a condom and I just sat and nodded as she told me and hoped she wouldn't go into any detail, in fact I asked her not to. What was I going to say. The second girl was quite a bit older. She was a late bloomer, and I remember having to reprimand her older sister for teasing her at 18 because she was still a virgin. I made it clear to our older girl that when her younger sister had a physical relationship with an other person was her decision, not mine and not her sister's. I think she was around 19, but she plays her cards close to the chest and I don't try to pry things out of her. She's 25 now and has had the same boy friend since she was 18 and they've gone on vacation together, so it's same in assuming they've been having sex for years. I know I instilled the idea of using some form of birth control and making sure they were with someone they trusted and hopefully love.

 

Our youngest dd, I don't know. She's only 13 now and doesn't seem the least bit interested in boys. She does have Aspergers Syndrome and doesn't really seek out a great deal of social stimulation outside of school, so it could be a while.

 

I always have an updated version of Our Bodies Ourselves in the bathroom or on the dining room table, and my oldest really enjoyed reading it. My middle and youngest kids call it "Mom's hippy feminist sex book." *sigh* I'm trying. :hippie 

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