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Weekly Chat Aug 9th-18th - Page 2

post #21 of 80

I'm getting really bummed out coming to this website the past week, because I'm seeing so many posts from women who are much more excited about cesarean births (and see no value in having a natural birth), formula, and other non-NFL (but totally mainstream in the US) practices that I'm feeling very.... lonely.  I can't stand any other site because of feeling like such a freak in my primal mothering practices, and this site was my one haven.  Ten years ago when I first came to mothering it was extremely celebratory of NFL choices and I could speak freely about my minority (in the western, modern world) viewpoint.  But nowadays, I'm getting jumped on a lot for having this very ancient, traditional point of view on quite a few aspects of motherhood, as if I'm indeed an oddity.  I don't know where to go for community otherwise, I live in a foreign country and don't have more than 3 friends in town, only one of whom is a mother (thankfully a NFL mother but still just the one....) and I'm just feeling a bit cranky and hormonal and lonely these days in general so I'm probably imagining this site to be more of a disconnect from my views than it actually is.


I shouldn't take it to heart, but I need a boost.  Can someone jump up and say something positive and cameraderie boosting about my enthusiasm for natural birth, exclusive breastfeeding for months (and extended breastfeeding for years), skin-to-skin contact (babywearing/cosleeping) nearly constantly before babe becomes mobile, and anything else they can think of?  I really need to feel like I'm not alone right now!

post #22 of 80

Serafina, I think natural birth can be wonderful and beautiful, but in certain circumstances c sections are truly necessary and life saving.Women just have to trust their gut and their instincts when making the very personal choice of how to give birth. I personally don't feel the need to give birth at home, because it's just not for me. I plan to give birth in a hospital, but don't have any issue with women who choose to birth at home, or schedule a c section (especially if there are outside circumstances that make a c section the best option for them). Don't be bummed out by others' choices for themselves and their babies- it has no bearing on you :) I think that this site is very pro NFL in many ways. My view point is that we should all just be here to support one another, regardless of whether or not our birth choices are the same or very different, regardless of the reason behind our choices :)

post #23 of 80

Serafina, before I had kids, I never thought I would be much of a "natural" parent. I knew I would breastfeed, as everyone in my family seems to, but that was the extent of it.

Now, 5 years later, I've switched from hospital to home birth, disposable diapers to a combo of cloth and disposable, and I've breastfed each of my boys for a little over 2 years. 4 years of breastfeeding. NEVER thought that would happen. In the end, it has ended up being what feels right to me, and I'm going with my gut.

I was able to have a "natural" birth at the hospital the first time around, but my experience was physically very rough. My son and I both carry physical scars from it, and I wanted the chance to try something different. I tend to not say much to defend my decision to switch from hospital to home (I do get crap for it, and since I'm a non-confrontational person, I tend to just take the crap), but I feel strongly that returning to the hospital be too loaded with anxiety for me for it to turn out well. 

I'm not crazy about the idea of choosing a c-section over vaginal birth (when vaginal birth is an option), but I just have to let things slide and let others make their own decisions. I still feel like the boards here at Mothering are a pretty safe place to talk about doing things naturally. 

post #24 of 80
AP is not a religion.
As mamas I think we should support, be role models and guide. I think judging mamas for their choices is counterproductive to helping parents form healthy attachments. I'm an extended breastfeeder. I've been pregnant or bf'ing most of my adult life. I don't wear it like a badge, I have had an epidural, natural and ua. I'm looking forward to my induction and have embraced it since I'm high risk and have a bleeding disorder. Some women don't baby carry for back problems, my mw couldn't bf, women who have been sexually abused often "cannot". I cosleep and there's a lot of even mainstream closet cosleepers. But I don't judge if someone isn't comfortable with a baby in the bed.
post #25 of 80

Shiloh, yes, thank you! To each her own :) Doing things "mainstream" isn't a negative thing, just like going the natural route isn't a negative thing. As long as your heart is in the right place as a mama, you will make the right choice for yourself and your baby. 

post #26 of 80
Most of our moms committed big sins, they smoked, drank, cribbed us, let us cry it out, stuck bottles in our cribs..and most of us went to college lol.

I have seen mothers treated horribly for bottle feeding only for the other crunch moms to realise kid was - not theirs, adopted, mom was on medication. I had a woman introduce herself as "my name is charlene I had 3 home births did you?" responded I'm Shiloh and my birth decisions are personal..like really?
Or mamas who go on about "attachment parenting" but aren't talking about healthy families but mothering to the father's exclusion. I got in crap once for having my sons cuddling side by side in a jogging stroller for not wearing my baby...um we took public transportation hence I could make face contact, the little guys were showing an attachment family. I had a woman with her 6 week old ask me if I tandem nursed and said she was going to....amongst other I read the book type judgements. I've been a mom for 20 years, I have 4 kids, 3 step kids, one on the way...and I'm getting lectures from a mom of six weeks? LOL!!!!

I'm a feminist, I like to think I can support all mamas where they are. I'd like to think that my friends may have breastfed, coslept, babywore because they saw me do it longer. If not attachment parenting is about family cohesion and healthy kids its not adhering religiously to a set of practices and judging others. As no matter how crunchy you think you are there's a mama out there who thinks you're mainstream!
post #27 of 80
Thread Starter 

I actually kind of appreciate that there are women taking a variety of approaches on this site. If everyone was super AP strict I would probably feel as much of an outsider as I do on the other baby forums I've checked out even though I exclusively breastfeed, had a natural birth (out of hospital last time), co-sleep, and baby wear.  There are things we do as parents that super strict APers would hate.  For instance, I nightweaned at 12 months and totally weaned by 15 months because I was just completely done and felt myself getting resentful.  I live in an area where there is a bit of an expectation that everyone will home birth and follow all the "rules".  DS was by far the youngest to be weaned.  Most people here wean closer to 3+.  I've had to work out my feelings of disconnect because I've chosen to have this baby in a hospital and not with my neighborhood homebirth midwives.  I've actually found myself rationalizing my decision to complete strangers who ask me about my birthing choices only to later want to slap myself for letting them make me feel bad about my choice.  One woman offered to let me birth at her house. Like birthing at a stranger's house would somehow make me feel safe.  It seems strange because when I go into other communities the conversation is sooo different.  My mother was so angry with me when she saw, after DS's birth, that the birthing center we went to was like 5+ minutes from the hospital and not physically or financially connected. Anyway, I'm trailing off here but I mostly wanted to agree with Shiloh's "AP is not a religion".  I've always been a fan of picking and choosing the coping techniques that work best for your family instead of trying to live up to some ideal.


shiloh, your comment about mothering to the father's exclusion reminded me of this woman I knew who baby wore to the point where her DH very rarely got to actually hold his son. I guess I just would have gone insane if I couldn't have handed DS over to someone else on a regular basis.

post #28 of 80
I have nothing negative to say about any of the choices of other mommas, but I do have my personal choices that are very different than others. I don't cosleep because I would not be able to sleep at all. Plus, I sleep with my husband and we are intimate sleepers, all the time. My babies sleep in a cradle right next to my bed, and that is the way I have always done it. However, I am an exclusive breastfeeder, long term breastfeeder, a baby wearer all the time, and I will deliver my baby at home with just my husband and children unless there is an emergency. I do some things very old fashioned, and other things more modern. It's just personal preference.
post #29 of 80
Its attachment parenting not mothering if moms in bed and dads on the couch I don't think that's a healthy "team" approach. I see too many marriages fail when mom becomes just mother and no longer wife. And they all think they're doing the best they can....its okay to have date night without your kids its attachment not velcro..
post #30 of 80

Ciga, I love seeing all the different parenting styles/birth options and choices here! I think it's really interesting to see how other mamas do things. It's informative and gives perspective, which is never a bad thing. I like the mix that we have on these boards too :) 

post #31 of 80

I can see that my comments came out wrong.  I didn't mean it that I'm passing judgment on the mainstream or putting some gold standard out there that others ought to also live up to.    It's just that I'm finding it hard to find any likeminded mamas anywhere anymore who can pitch in something positive to say about NFL practices.  I'm feeling surrounded by a lot of negativity about giving birth, breastfeeding, etc.... and it makes me sad and feel lonely and isolated in my approach and joy towards those aspects of motherhood.

post #32 of 80

I haven't noticed any negativity towards nfl, personally, but maybe I'm oblivious haha

post #33 of 80

If we didn't have date nights, I would have issues.

DH and I went with another couple to a musical dinner theater on Saturday night, and it was so fun to dress up and just be a couple. The theater does a little bit of audience participation, and for some reason, I seem to draw attention for that kind of thing, although I am a massive introvert. One of the performers grabbed me and this motorcycle dude to come up to learn a line dance, and the look on her face when I stood up and she saw my belly was priceless. I think I looked a little ridiculous staggering my way through the moves on stage, but the audience support was great. That's one for the memory book. smile.gif

I'm very hopeful that we'll be able to keep up the dates once our newest son arrives. It feels like too much to ask my parents to watch 3 little boys. 2 seems okay because Mom had two of us and knows that dynamic well. 3 is a whole new ball game. Do those of you with more children still find time for dates or nights "off"?

post #34 of 80
Yup. Date nights and overnights.
post #35 of 80

haha MaineMama, I'd die! I do not like being the center of attention at all, much less on a stage! It sounds like a great memory for you guys :)

post #36 of 80
We have four now, and have no problems finding sitters for date nights. I don't think it will be any different with 5 kids. My husband is one of ten (large LDS family) and I am one of 5 so our families are just use to having a lot of kids and grand kids. Lol.
post #37 of 80
Thread Starter 

Holy cow, in three years we have gone out for dinner without DS once that I can think of and that was for my niece's wedding rehearsal dinner almost 2 years ago. That is messed up. We also don't live near any family.  dang


Every time grandparents come to visit the date night I've been dreaming of gets pushed to the bottom of the list. My mom is coming a week before my due date so she'll be here for DS when I go into labor. I'm praying this baby doesn't come early so that we can take advantage of her being here and go out together one night.


I can't believe we have let so much time go by like that. When we were at my parents last week we managed to sneak off to our little cabin during the day a few times and just be together without wondering when DS was going to wake up/bust in. But going out into the world together like a regular couple and dressing up a bit sounds so nice.

post #38 of 80

I haven't really had the energy for any date nights. Actually I feel bad because we haven't had our babysitter over in months and I really like her (most babysitters around us are 20-25 an hour and she's only 10 an hour so I don't want to loose her!!). In fact she hasn't been over in so long I don't think she even knows I'm pregnant. Oops! My kids are going to my parents house for the next two weeks until school starts (camp is over and DH and I have work) so maybe we'll get a date night in then. Yesterday morning DH didn't have to be in to work until later so we dropped the kids off at camp and went out for coffee in the morning before we headed off to ours jobs. Thats about as close as we've been to a date literally since last March!

post #39 of 80

I'm such a homebody that I don't always feel like going out for a date night. Most of the time I'd rather just snuggle on the couch and watch netflix haha. That may change when the baby is here though, and we don't have the "just us" time whenever we want.

post #40 of 80
Originally Posted by Serafina33 View Post

I can see that my comments came out wrong.  I didn't mean it that I'm passing judgment on the mainstream or putting some gold standard out there that others ought to also live up to.    It's just that I'm finding it hard to find any likeminded mamas anywhere anymore who can pitch in something positive to say about NFL practices.  I'm feeling surrounded by a lot of negativity about giving birth, breastfeeding, etc.... and it makes me sad and feel lonely and isolated in my approach and joy towards those aspects of motherhood.

If you just need a cheerleader for NFL practices, I'll cheer! It's funny, when I came to MDC with my first kid this board was so militant I almost couldn't take it, even though I was planning to (and did) use "AP" practices. Now people here and elsewhere are a lot more open-minded and accepting on all sides, which makes for a much nicer world. In my part of the offline world it is *much* more common now for a mom to have a natural birth, to breastfeed for any length of time, or to wear/sleep with babies, or whatever. It doesn't feel "alternative" like it did eight years ago, which is so awesome, but I have still do occasionally get trapped in situations where I feel like I've stumbled back into the past and feel very alienated from the parenting practices of those around me, even though that happens less often than it used to, and I feel like the general climate of choice and conversation is more healthy and less polarized than it used to be.

But anyway, I'll hooray if you need to hear some positive cheering for NFL! orngbiggrin.gif I love being able to use my feet and to pee on my own right after birth! I love putting my newborn right to my breast and watching her get fat and healthy on my own milk! I actually love not leaving my tiny babe at all (except maybe for a haircut or doctor visit) for about the first 6 months or so, and I love that the fact that I don't work outside the home and that my husband is just as uncomfortable as I am leaving a tiny baby means that I probably won't have to pump once, ever. I don't feel burdened by the closeness of my babies; I eat up the fleeting time they are small and dependent, knowing it will come to and end too soon, and that there will be plenty of years for all the non-baby-friendly stuff later. I love, love, love, waking up to the smell of baby hair under my nose and getting pretty good nights of sleep even when Baby has to latch on a lot, because she's right there by my breast already, and I love that DH enjoys keeping our babies close too. I love having breastfeeding relationships come to a natural end instead of getting abruptly cut off based on someone else's timeline. I love that baby carriers allow me to keep my household running without resorting to mechanical "entertainments" to zombie out my baby while I try to get something done, and to get shopping done without dragging around a baby in a huge handled plastic apparatus intended for car travel. ;)  Ok, those are the ones that come to mind right off. Does that help? I don't begrudge any mama the ability to choose her own path, or to walk it with dignity no matter what it is, but I love, love, love the NFL path and and the joy it has brought to my wee family. love.gif

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