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Goin' through the big D and don't mean Dallas... MOTHER OF ALL UPDATES!

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

:)  Oh, it's time.  It's time time time.  After denying the truth, trying to change him, hoping things will get better, I'm done.  And I'm surprisingly not that upset.  Actually I'm excited for what will come once he's gone.  Backstory - we've been having problems for a long while.  He's just a general dick, is very self-absorbed (to the point I think he's narcissistic) and is emotionally abusive to our 9-year-old.  We've tried therapy, I've tried to bully him into getting therapy on his own, but it all came to a head this past week when my dad and stepmom offered to come over one day and help me clean my house.  He BLEW A GASKET.  As in, he flipped out so bad I had to take the kids and stay at my mom's because I didn't feel safe.  Said there was no reason to have people in our house, the house didn't need it, and if I'd just do a little every day I could get it clean on my own (lies, lies, and lies - the house is so messy that I can't have anyone come over, not even close family).  He thinks since he works 50+ hours a week there's no reason for him to do any housework, not even pick up after himself.  He's got the outside, I've got the inside.  Except I work 40 hours a week plus we have 3 kids.  So when the offer of help was made, I jumped at the chance (and let me tell you, the house looks fabulous!  I can have people over now!).  He yelled, he threw a fit, he threatened to call the sheriff if we so much as touched a single item of his (my dad laughed and said "Bring it" when I told him this).  We went round and round and he said the marriage was over, this was it, he was leaving.  I didn't take the bait, just asked how soon he would be out.  He started saying things like "Just you wait, you'll see" and "You have no idea what's coming".  I finally got it out of him that he has a girlfriend!  For the past 2 months!  Yet the housecleaning was what killed the marriage, right.  So I'm thinking his "big news" was that he was going to get his affairs in order, then move in with his girlfriend without any notice and leave me high and dry.  So today I'm taking a loan from my 401k, opening my own checking account, diverting my paycheck/bills, and putting a retainer down with a lawyer next week. 


Edited by CallMeMommy - 9/30/13 at 6:05am
post #2 of 9
Thread Starter 

Ha!  That reminded me to edit my signature.

post #3 of 9

welcome to your new life =)

post #4 of 9
Sounds like he made your decision pretty easy. Welcome to the single mom club!

Opening a checking account is a good idea but I wouldn't mess with your 401k until you talk to an attorney!
post #5 of 9
Thread Starter 

Well, there is no attorney without the 401k loan, so I don't really have a choice.  It's just a loan, not an actual withdrawal, so I don't forsee any issues but that will be one of the first things I address with her.

 

He's been really decent so far, not flipping his shit about little things, being slightly helpful (not with the housework, mind you, I don't think he's cleaned a single thing since Thursday, but if I ask him to bring up a basket of clothes he doesn't bitch about it too much).  It almost seems like he thinks nothing will change, that I was just joking or overreacting when I said I was filing for divorce (I haven't brought it up since the girlfriend revelation).  I figure the longer he's in the dark, the better.  Oh, and I signed up for the Family Locator plan on our cell phones, so if he's sneaking off to see the girlfriend I'll know about it. 

post #6 of 9

You should be able to get a free (or close to it) consult w/ the lawyer before you retain her. Ask about the 401K then, because there might be a certain way that you have to do it and you don't want to have to give him any more of your assets than necessary =)

post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 

So OMFG you guys - I just found out he has another kid!  And not from this other woman!  Apparently it's with one of his former coworkers, and the kid is the same age as our youngest!  Ew, ew, EW!  He blamed his current affair on me, I was cold and pushed him away and wasn't putting out so of course he had to go find someone who would, but we were actively trying to have a baby in this case so that excuse ain't gonna work so well now, is it dumbass?  I'm completely baffled.  I had NO idea he was seeing someone else at that time.  So now, do I tell my lawyer?  She told me (back when we were just aware of the current affair) that if he got his other woman pregnant it would affect my child support, but in this case as far as I know there's no paternity declaration and she's not seeking support.  I just don't want my kids to get screwed in any of this.  Opinions? 

post #8 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by CallMeMommy View Post
 

So OMFG you guys - I just found out he has another kid!  And not from this other woman!  Apparently it's with one of his former coworkers, and the kid is the same age as our youngest!  Ew, ew, EW!  He blamed his current affair on me, I was cold and pushed him away and wasn't putting out so of course he had to go find someone who would, but we were actively trying to have a baby in this case so that excuse ain't gonna work so well now, is it dumbass?  I'm completely baffled.  I had NO idea he was seeing someone else at that time.  So now, do I tell my lawyer?  She told me (back when we were just aware of the current affair) that if he got his other woman pregnant it would affect my child support, but in this case as far as I know there's no paternity declaration and she's not seeking support.  I just don't want my kids to get screwed in any of this.  Opinions? 

 

Why wouldn't you tell your lawyer? She will advise you on how to handle the situation. (If you're worried about billable hours, I suppose you could wait to see whether there are any other bombshells, so you can bundle them. Geez louise.) She's not going to tell the state that you should have less in child support; she's YOUR lawyer. This is why you borrowed against your retirement. 

 

I'm really sorry that you are finding out all these crazy things. I know you were mainly feeling positive about ending the marriage, and I hope that positive feeling has lasted through all this.

 

post #9 of 9

Having another child may only affect the child support you collect on behalf of your children if a) the other child either lives with him, or b) there is a current court order for support of that other child. Making contributions toward support of another child who doesn't live with him, outside a court order, won't count as support. That is to say that having another child that he does not legally support will not change his obligation to your joint children at all. If he wants support of another child to count as a factor in calculating his obligation to your children, he would have to step up to the plate for that other child, too, but then he'd be on the hook for that $. You should still tell your attorney about this detail so s/he won't be broadsided by it later and s/he should be able to tell you what impact that fact could have (what the court is allowed but not required to do in response) and what impact it will have (what the court must do in response). A terse email notification ought to be sufficient.

 

You can also contact your county child support office for information on how to proceed. They won't be able to provide legal advice, but should be able to give you information on the various laws of MN without specifically answering legal questions. MN also posts their forms and laws online if you want to do some research on your own to save some billable hours spent with your attorney explaining how things work. These resources can be useful if you're interested in reading up on your own but absolutely don't substitute for an attorney.

 

MN is a no-fault divorce state. So as much as I feel for you having to deal with this "man" who has slept around (ew ew ew is right!), you have to put it out of your mind as far as the divorce proceedings and child support proceedings are concerned. The Court isn't allowed to care whose fault it is. :-( I mention this only to save you the heartache of trying to demonstrate what a dirtbag he really is and why you should receive more of the marital property or why you should receive spousal support (alimony) in the divorce but feeling like it's falling on deaf ears. You must share factual details to evidence why he shouldn't have primary custody if you believe that to be in the best interest of your children, of course.

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