My daughter and I just returned from our summer in India. I was married while I was there, and my daughter has easily accepted my new husband as her daddy.
Her birth father (we were never married) has been in and out of her life for her first 4 years, the latter 2 during intermittent DCFS supervised visits. In March the court ruled me as sole custodian and guardian, and the judge warned me against taking the child around the birth father. He has been unpredictable, in and out of drug treatment, and a history of domestic violence including with a new wife. With confidence I have limited their communication to Skype and phone only. He lives 3 hours away.
We are home again and he is calling me to discuss the terms of his involvement in her life. I am not answering the calls as I want to have a clear plan for what I want to say. I intend to speak with him once and for all. I plan to have him out of her life, no need for two daddies, especially since the other one is unpredictable and chronically dependent on substances.
I know this is an unconventional route-- to deny the birth father any involvement. In the U.S. it is encouraged to foster all the relationships as much as possible. This is not the route we are taking. And this will be devastating news to her birth father as he does have some interest in being a part of her life. So I want to tell him as gently as possible, though I know it is not going to feel gentle no matter how it is put.
How can I speak to him clearly and succinctly about this? Should I allow the conversation to go on and on as he drags me through 500 questions? Or state the situation, tell him only what he needs to know, and end the call? Should I mention my husband? Or that simply thinking of his behavior he did not show up properly in her life, and I have no interest in them continuing the relationship as he had enough chances.