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need help on parallel parenting

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

I desperately need to learn to parallel parent with xdh for my sanity. An event occurred last night, xdh showed up to see the kids and ds had left the door unlocked so he just came in, long story but it resulted in my 7 year old asking xdh to leave because he felt that xdh was disrespecting me and he sided with me. He  felt horrible for making his dad leave and called to talk to xdh, and that didn't go well, and xdh did not even call the kids tonight to say goodnight. We are fb friends and I saw he checked in at a bar with coworkers and his new chick of the week. He goes through stages where he is all 'super' dad and then boom, work slows down, he meets someone and then everynight calls come the thing of the past. My previous thread about xdh always wanting me while dating others is another reason I need to setup boundaries between xdh and I. He just makes it so unpredictable with his work schedule and he often does not keep them when he is suppose to. Just looking for some good resources. My main issue is I am too darn nice and will treat him nicely and then he overstays his welcome. I have to get my b*tch boots on to get him to really listen to me. He does not take me seriously when I ask him nicely to leave etc. 

post #2 of 7

You must set up a regular visitation schedule that works for the kids - anything you bring up w/ him must be all about the kids,  there is no reason to have personal conversations with him at all. You have only a business relationship, treat it that way.

 

If he's a good parent, he can see them a few times per week and does not need to make daily phone calls. I am super attached to my kids and I don't call them when they're at their dad's, though they know they are free to call me whenever they want to.

 

If he's cancelling on the set schedule, that must mean that he either doesn't want to see them as much or that he doesn't have the time to and those things you can address once you have a regular schedule.

post #3 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post

You must set up a regular visitation schedule that works for the kids - anything you bring up w/ him must be all about the kids,  there is no reason to have personal conversations with him at all. You have only a business relationship, treat it that way.

 

If he's a good parent, he can see them a few times per week and does not need to make daily phone calls. I am super attached to my kids and I don't call them when they're at their dad's, though they know they are free to call me whenever they want to.

 

If he's cancelling on the set schedule, that must mean that he either doesn't want to see them as much or that he doesn't have the time to and those things you can address once you have a regular schedule.

what happens is he has tuesdays he is suppose to keep them overnight, that is the only day he has off work. He often makes up excuses etc. There have been a couple times I get upset he doesn't want to keep them and he says he will find a babysitter and I say nevermind, because I prefer to have them with me or him (right of first refusal) but then I lose out on my free time. 

 

Every other day is totally on a whim. I have tried to set up 'schedule' time and he will cancel and then ask for them another night. It is mostly based on his unpredictable work schedule. I realize now this is the last straw. Me and the kids are only getting hurt by allowing such lax parenting time. There have been times I refuse him into the house when he has come by late at night after 9 or 10 and that just resulted in a big fight. Our parenting plan does not specify any specific day of the week the kids are to be with him and that is the main problem. It was based on the fact I was not working and his unpredictable work schedule. 

post #4 of 7
I am reading this book now

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0684830787/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

It is called Mom's House Dad's House. It would probably help you a lot to read it. I have got so much from it and am only 35% of the way through it.
post #5 of 7
I use to be overly nice but I'm fully-recovered from it now 😊

My exh came over, started a fight and refused to leave. I picked up my phone and told him I was calling the police. I already had the number in speed dial. He left. We didn't have that particular problem again.

Him showing up erratically and late at night is harmful for your kids. If you can't stand up to him for yourself, I bet you can do it for them!
post #6 of 7
One tip I liked was that this is now a business relationship. Everything needs to be in writing to make sure you both understand clearly. No random unannounced anything.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by floss&ferd View Post

I use to be overly nice but I'm fully-recovered from it now 😊

My exh came over, started a fight and refused to leave. I picked up my phone and told him I was calling the police. I already had the number in speed dial. He left. We didn't have that particular problem again.

Him showing up erratically and late at night is harmful for your kids. If you can't stand up to him for yourself, I bet you can do it for them!

an event like that happened here just after the divorce. That is exactly why he left when my ds asked him to, he remembers what the police office told him, if I ask him 3x's to leave and he doesn't I can get him arrested for tresspassing. Sheesh. I can say that so far I am doing pretty well. He was suppose to have them last night but didn't get them, I asked him to text me dates and times he would have them and he said sunday over night yesterday. So he was an hour late from work, but I was very clear I would drop them at his place rather than he pick them up. That is becoming more of the norm since 2 of his 3 vehicles the kids can't ride in (2 seater and a motorcycle). I was in a big huff about him being late though. I told the kids we would go for walk while we waited to hear from him and sure enough he called when we walked around the block and I then went and dropped them off. I told him what time to drop them tomorrow(he works so won't hang around) and discussed tuesday (ds's meet the teacher night and wednesday first day of school)

 

He then has the nerve to call me at 9:30 and ask why I am being mean and if it is because he is dating someone. I told him no it isn't because he is dating, but because he continues to treat me as an object and disrespects me (in front of the kids) and I won't tolerate it anymore for myself or my kids. He hung up on me. Figures.  His mind is so warped, it is always about him and me wanting him and being jealous. sure. I am just trying to keep myself from interacting with him because it drastically affects my mood and it isn't healthy for me or the kids. 

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