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Is this a crazy idea? (crossposted in Working & Student Parents)

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 

Hi, a bit of background:


My DH and I have been together for 8 years, and finally got married last October. This fall marks our one year wedding anniversary, and we just moved to a really wonderful new town (seriously on both of our want-to-live lists) so that I can start grad school to earn my MSEd and teaching certification. We’ve just settled into a fantastic rental house that I foresee us staying in until we can buy our own in the future. Husband has a great full-time job, our finances are in good order with about $8,000 in savings...And I have baby fever like WHOA.


I think most of the people in my life (parents for example) would think I was crazy and irresponsible if I got pregnant during grad school…but maybe I am crazy, because to me it doesn’t seem like the worst timing.


My school program is short and intensive, and I graduate December 2014. As a teacher, that set-up is a bit strange, since most job openings hire for the fall at the start of the school year. So I may possibly have a nine month gap between diploma and job.

And the thing that frightens me about teaching and starting a family is the very short amount of maternity leave…my own mother was a teacher and went back to work just weeks after I was born. I don’t want that for me and my future child. Logistically speaking, if I were to time things correctly, I could conceive in late spring of 2014 and most of my pregnancy would occur over the summer when I would only be taking one class, then in the fall (my last semester) during student teaching. I would graduate before Christmas, then have a baby in January (2015) and have 7-8 months with the baby before starting a teaching position.


 So...is this crazy?

post #2 of 13

I would say go for it. I waited until I was halfway through grad school to start TTC (doctoral program). Now, two years later, I'm still TTC and wishing I'd started sooner. Things will work themselves out. Mamas in grad school seem to manage their time better because they have to.

post #3 of 13

It sounds like an awesome opportunity to get more time with a baby, if you are definitely planning to work after baby's arrival.


A couple of things to consider:

-You just don't know what pregnancy will do to you. A good friend had to totally stop working on her master's when she got pregnant because she had severe hyperemesis (okay, there's no such thing as hyperemesis that is not severe, but you know what I mean...). So you might want to spend some time reflecting on how you would feel if pregnancy interrupted grad school and/or if it would be logisitcally difficult to restart if you did have to take a break

-I hope with all my heart that you get pregnant the first time you try, but the fact of the matter is you have no idea how hard it will be until you actually start TTC. I'm a big proponent of not waiting much to TTC if you know you want kids, because it may not be easy, and typically becomes more difficult the older you get


Of course, it's your own life, so don't let strangers on the internet tell you what to do. Frankly, the only people whose opinions count at all are yours and your husband's. Good luck!

post #4 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the reply! Of course you're right about pregnancy complications possibly affecting my studies...but if I'm not going through it in grad school, I'd be going through it while working. Neither one is ideal, but there is a bit more flexibility/forgiveness during a one-course summer than there would be employed in a school district. Hopefully it wouldn't be an issue at all, but in any case it's something to consider.

And I thought about writing a self-depricating note about scheduling life in my first post...we never know if destiny will humor our mortal sense of timing. But we can hope. smile.gif
post #5 of 13

I was pregnant with my daughter through my last year of pharmacy school and delivered 2 weeks after graduation, then talked my boss into giving me 12 weeks of leave before starting my new job. It worked really well. I did roll the dice on not having pregnancy complications prevent me from doing what I needed to do for school, and did okay (although I was glad to have the whole month of November off, as I felt horrible most of the time. Going through the corresponding phase while working during this pregnancy was Not. Fun.) That is always a risk, so you have to decide how you feel about that. 


Also, another pro to your plan is even if you don't get pregnant right when you want to, and it takes a few months, you might still have 7 months, 6 months, or whatever with the baby... and that's nothing to sneeze at either. 


A friend of mine who is an SLP in public schools (so has the same schedule as a teacher) had one baby in May and the last 2 were both born in July, I think partly by design. 

post #6 of 13

I'm starting my fourth year of a doctoral program. My son is 16 months and we're TTC. It's pretty hard, but my time is pretty flexible. I worked a lot in the 4:30AM-8:30AM hours, and had a lot of parental support. I'd say go for it, but take all the support you can get! 


There are downsides though. I literally gave myself mastitis by trying to study for a statistics exam when my babe was six weeks. I favored one side so I could nurse while writing. I developed a plug, then a fever, then mastitis, then an abcess, and surgery. So...yeah...balance and use your support as much as possible.


And just one note...you can't plan when you will get pregnant. You can plan when NOT to get pregnant, but counting on being pregnant in a specific small window of time is a recipe for disappointment.

post #7 of 13
Thread Starter 

Thanks for your responses, everyone. It seems that this idea was indeed crazy, and having a baby will be put on the back burner for a while. I brought up this specific plan to DH last night...and he had a fairly major freak-out. We have talked about kids a lot, and he knows that I want to start a family, so his reaction came pretty unexpected to me. He's not ready to have a child. From his reaction, he's pretty obviously not ready. And last night I was very understanding with him, because I don't want to even broach the idea of raising a baby if he's not 100% on board...but today I'm feeling pretty defeated and depressed. gloomy.gif

post #8 of 13
My husband has always been 100% on board with having children in theory. But he would never agree to start. So after lots of discussion, reasoning, spreadsheets and research, we set a date two years in the future and I kept him to it. I recommend the date-in-the-future strategy to all whose spouse definitely wants kids, but doesn't want them now. This give the baby crazy spouse a target date, and temporary relief and prep time for the reluctant spouse.
post #9 of 13

With this idea, it'll be many months until you even start trying, exciting but not pressing yet. Starting the earliest month that could work out does make some sense, then if it happens any time over the following 4 months things would work out nicely. A long time til next spring, no harm in getting your health ideal to get ready and keep gently discussing it with DH whenever he's open to talking.

post #10 of 13

Yeah, when he stops freaking out I would ask him to figure out a date when he will feel comfortable trying, and/or to figure out what factors he feels need to be in place. I've definitely been there... I spent most of pharmacy school begging my husband for a baby. 2whistle.gif

post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 

Feeling slightly better today. Yesterday morning DH and I went to the farmer's market (our Saturday morning ritual), and each time I saw a baby or toddler doing something cute, I would initially turn to point them out to him, and then found myself withdrawing. I find myself feeling like I have to keep my love for children a secret now. It's not a nice feeling. But I have to say, having children is something I have always looked forward to but never had a good idea for timing. My mother had me at 34, and I always thought I would want to have my children at a younger age. I came up with the plan I posted when I was trying to reason out a "good" time for DH and I to aim for...but now that the plan has been shot down, I realize exactly how right it felt to me. I still think it feels right. I hope when the time comes, I can help DH see how I feel.

post #12 of 13
Thread Starter 

Well..DH surprised me last night. We were laying in bed talking before falling asleep and he brought up the subject of TTC again. He gave me a very sincere and heartfelt apology for his reaction last week...and told me that what he should have said was, "I know how important having kids is to you, and you're going to be a great mom. Let's see how we feel next spring. I just want to make sure that we feel stable and ready to have a baby. And maybe we will."


 So...yeah. shy.gif

post #13 of 13

That's awesome. Good for your dh for realizing he should apologize!


Also, for the record, I don't think your plan is crazy. I just wanted to suggest a few thing you might want to consider. Having a baby is always a little on the crazy side, because you just don't know what will happen. But sometimes, it's a risk you just have to take. ;)

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