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No idea where to go from here

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 

I don't know even how to start.  Long story short, I need support, and I can't get it.  


I don't like being pregnant.  Just not my thing.  I like kids well enough, once they get to a certain age (like, 10), but I don't like being pregnant, and don't like babies.  I am dealing with gender disappointment, which makes me the worst mother ever, according to people on message boards (yes, I've been told to give him up for adoption just because I wanted a girl).  I am borderline plus size, and hate the clothes that actually fit me.


My husband lost his job.  Not really his fault, but when the end result is the same, it doesn't really matter, KWIM?  He refuses to find a new job and insists we can live on his severance and my salary.  We're good for a few months, but not forever, not even until the baby comes.  It's likely we'll have to move right after the baby and I am dreading it.  How am I going to sell a house with a newborn?


I can't even see someone for counseling because my EAP refuses to refer me (it's normal to be stressed while you're pregnant) and I can't in good conscience spend money on a counselor with all this other stuff going on and me paying out of pocket for my midwife.


Any ideas of how I can break out of this funk?  I do not have any friends that I am even talk to.  Please go easy.  I've already been run off one message board for daring to be depressed about being pregnant.

post #2 of 16

Hugs to you.  It is totally okay (and normal) to be depressed while pregnant.  In fact, that hormone roller coaster made me more prone to depression when I was pregnant.  I wanted to have another baby . . . planned for years!  And I LOVE newborns and toddlers and 3 years olds (even when they're throwing horrible fits).  That didn't stop me from being depressed - feeling like I made the wrong decision - feeling trapped - etc.


I would get a 2nd opinion from another doctor - and tell them that you need help, not a pat on the head and a dismissive comment.


In the mean time, is there a La Leche League group near you?  They are an international organization to help support breastfeeding mothers, but even if you do not intend to breast feed I am sure you can find someone to talk to about your story.  There are groups everywhere and I would hope you have find someone close by you so that they can offer more resources..  Here's a link to start with:  http://www.llli.org/webindex.html

post #3 of 16
Thread Starter 

There is an LLL group but they've always scared me off because 1) I'm still pregnant and 2) OMG, the babies that must be there.  I know, I know, I'm crazy, having a baby when I dislike them.  But I'll look into it.


My midwife was concerned when I mention I was feeling so down, and said she can always prescribe meds, but I just can't go that route, for a whole host of reasons, not that she was hell-bent on doing it anyway.  I guess I'll call my EAP again too -- does anyone have advice in actually getting help from them?

post #4 of 16
Depression in pregnancy is very real - I experienced it with both my children. I am very susceptible to hormonal shifts.

I agree with finding another doctor. Or do you have nurse practitioners where you are? I found that where I am, a nurse practitioner was way more likely to take time to listen to me.

I'd say it's very important to get yourself situated now, because women with prenatal depression are WAY more likely to suffer postpartum depression and anxiety. And it may not be this way for you at all, but my experience was that my PPD was so much worse than my prenatal depression. I was so much better off when I set myself up prenatally with my second child.

Make sure you are good for B vitamins and fish oils too.

Take care of yourself!
post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 

I really can't find another doctor.  I like my midwife and the only other option here is regular OB in a hospital.  Yuck.  I'm not sure what a doctor will do for me anyway, because I don't want to take meds and know they won't work - so much of this is situational.  And yes, her concern is that I am now that much more suseptible to PPD.  And I know our situation is going to get worse before it gets better -- example, I can't afford our house on my salary for much longer but because DH won't help me clean and put it on the market, I feel stuck.  Meds won't help that.


I did stop taking my B6 when my morning sickness went away, so I'll start that again.  It helped when I was on birth control -- which, yes, I stopped taking because it made me sad. 

post #6 of 16

The comments about your husband refusing to look for another job and refusing to help clean up the house make me wonder if he is dealing with depression too?  You are in a place of needing a lot of support and your husband should be right there, cooking, cleaning, and figuring out what needs to be done financially, so you can let go and start slowing down. 


Does your midwife know of any goo herbalists in your area?  They often have sliding scales for fees, and are a lot less expensive to see than doctors or naturopaths.  PM me if you want me to help find one for you.  


I DO hope you will at least call your local LLL.  Maybe someone can talk with you on the phone or come to your house so you don't have to muster up the nerve to attend a meeting? 

post #7 of 16
Sounds like you and your partner need to have a good heart-to-heart. He just needs to step up and be more supportive. It sounds like his choices and actions are really affecting you negatively and that's just not fair.

I don't have any advice on getting help out of your EAP - I don't even know what that is! (I'm in Canada)

Being able to talk about everything seems essential. Are there public health nurses, or PPD help groups in your area? Both helped me immensely when I had PPD the first time. And they'll be able to help with prenatal depression too. My depression was partly situational too, we had major housing band financial difficulties.

Have you joined a Due Date Club here? Might be nice to get to know some ladies expecting at the same time, and have a place to feel comfortable talking. The PostPartum Depression boards here will be a good resource too - I saw a thread about prenatal depression. You might be able to find more specific advice there.

post #8 of 16

I also recommend joining a due date club. They are a great source of support.


I don't have much to add, but I couldn't read without offering (((HUGS)))!  hug2.gif

post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 

Well, yeah, DH is depressed.  He won't do anything about it though which is frustrating too.  


I really feel like I need counseling.  Marriage counseling might be even better, but -- yeah, I just don't think I can afford it.  I know there are sliding scales but on paper we look like we're doing fine, so I don't think we'd qualify.  I don't even qualify for Medicaid.


I don't know about joining a due date club.  I feel like Im sticking my neck out even posting here.  Maybe that horrible woman was right and we should give baby up for adoption.

post #10 of 16
Sorry mama! That is hard. You should google perinatal mood disorders which cover depression in pregnancy. I think you shoukd find another doctor who's not so dismissive. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful with links and stuff but I have to run. Just know that you do deserve to get help!
post #11 of 16

Even if it is situational, meds can help increase your ability to cope with that situation. I know because I have been there. I always have a laundry list of reasons why I am upset/frustrated/angry/tense/sad/etc. But the fact is, whether the triggers are internal or external, the result is the same - I am clinically depressed and I benefit from treatment. I have had to have a doctor convince me more than once! Its hard to make clear decisions and see what is happening when you are in the middle of the "funk" too, one of the symptoms of of depression can be muddy thinking and that makes it all the harder to get help. I would definitely talk again to your MW and get them to refer you for both counseling and a low dose SSRI. Once that clouds starts to lift, I bet you will feel much more positively about everything. And trust the hormones that made you baby-hungry in the first place. When you see your baby, I bet you will fall in love. There are lots of moms that don't like other people's kids but are passionately in love with their own. As long as depression is treated, that is. Untreated depression can really hinder your ability to feel attachment to your baby. So please take it seriously and get support prenatally.

post #12 of 16
Thread Starter 

I guess I'm going to try to find some cheap counseling and talk to my midwife at my next appointment.  If she still thinks it's important to try the meds, I guess I might let her. :(  I really don't think it'll help though.  I really think most of this is learning stress manangement and probably needing marriage counseling.  I don't know.

post #13 of 16

Meds can be a good support while you are learning those new skills.  My therapist calls them training wheels.  They are just one tool in the tool box.


Also, you might not think you qualify for sliding scale but you may be surprised.  Also, you might look and see if there is a charity care clinic in your area for the uninsured.  Usually they are Catholic, and they often have all kinds of services including counseling both individual and couple.  Jewish family centers also offer sliding scale counseling and are not just for Jewish people.


you can also search for "new mother connection group" in your area, they are usually free or low cost support groups.  If your midwife's office has a social worker they can be a good resource to connect you to community programs.  If they do not have a social worker, look for that charity clinic or your county health office or DHS and ask for recommendations for community resources.  Sometimes there is a lot of good stuff that you cannot find out about on the internet.


Another group that might be helpful is Birthright.  Although they have a publicly neutral stance, they are a pro-life organization, and that may or may not be what you need.  But some people find them helpful in terms of getting stuff like free maternity clothes and free diapers and they also offer free phone counseling although I suspect that can be hit or miss.


Likewise, there is planned parenthood, they have a hotline.  http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ma/sexual-health-hotline-11510.htm


http://www.1800ppdmoms.org/ might be another good resource.


http://www.postpartum.net/  this is also a helpline and they deal with perinatal depression.


you can also try googling your state and babies or post partum or perinatal depression to find a help line in your state.




This says "suicide prevention" but probably will talk to anyone who has depression.  I don't think you have to be at the end of your rope or anything, you know?


One of these hotlines might be good for just having a place to talk/free phone counseling and also getting help pointed to resources that can help you, if you don't have someone in your immediate vicinity who can make recommendations.

post #14 of 16

FYI - We do not qualify for any sort of aid, but I have found a few practitioners (a therapist included) who were willing to slide their fees for us.  My husband has a salary that would go very far in another state, but here we're barely hanging in there financially, so I totally understand.  I would say that getting help for yourself and your family is right up there with food, as a priority.


And you still need support through this pregnancy if you choose to adopt your little one into another family.  Maybe even more support!  So joining a due date club where you can commiserate with others over heartburn, peeing every half hour at night, AND feeling hopeless and stuck is a good thing.


: )

Hang in there!

post #15 of 16

anyone who told you that you should give up your child for adoption, because you don't care for children and you are depressed, deserves to be walloped. I don't care for other people's children at all, they are messy, loud, and chaotic. other people's children often give me  me an absolute headache...but i love my children more than i ever thought possible before i had kids.


Pregnancy was hard for me to, i don't handle it well and the hormones make my personal issues worse. But if you want to keep that baby, don't let anyone tell you any different. you deserve happiness, and you deserve help....and i agree that medication can help you cope in a bad situation even if the triggers are almost all situational. they just help you keep your head above water :)

post #16 of 16
Originally Posted by meow2013 View Post

I really can't find another doctor.  I like my midwife and the only other option here is regular OB in a hospital.  

When people say you need a new doctor, they are referring to the one who is refusing to refer you to a counselor. You are right that you need to speak to someone about what you are feeling, and to refuse to give you a referral is just plain wrong.
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