I have a 7-yo DD and 5-yo DD, biologically my ex-husband's. We separated when the girls were 2 and 3 months and my now husband has raised as his own since. We have a 4-yo DS and 20-month-old DD together.
At first, my FIL was like a dream grandparent. My oldest two daughters were accepted into my now husband's family with no question and he loved them as if they were his biological granddaughters, and was always so good with all four of the kids. Both my MIL and FIL have a history of meth abuse, but this ended for FIL over a decade ago, though MIL has continually traded off one addiction for another (and is currently an alcoholic).
In 2010, at a family wedding, I overheard something I found alarming. My FIL had been drinking and was hanging around my MIL's 11-year-old great niece and he was saying how he had a "hot date" with this "cute chick", referring to the 11-year-old girl and he put his arm around her. He was apparently planning to take her to the movies on a "date". In my mind, I'm questioning boundaries there, but I brushed it off because I knew that he frequently took a different 11-yr-old girl whose mother is my MIL's best friend out for "dates" to see movies or dinner. I'm thinking at the time, okay, these are girls without fathers and he's probably just trying to be a good male role model. But something struck as me just weird about the whole thing. I mentioned it to DH, and he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. After all, FIL had been the one solid parent to his four sons during the years of turmoil surrounding MIL's addiction problems. I kept it in the back of my mind, but moved on.
Last week, FIL and MIL had a party at their house. Their parties get notoriously a bit rowdy, and FIL was very, very drunk in no time. MIL went to bed, as usual and it was FIL, the same 11-year-old great niece (now almost 14 years old), myself, and several others who were intoxicated. My FIL became horrifyingly inappropriate with his wife's great niece. He would look at her and say, "You know what's crazy? How much I fucking love you, you whore! You're just a hot, slutty bitch and I fuckin' love you!" He repeatedly made statements like this and I was horrified. I was NOT shocked, but was horrified for this poor girl. She was uncomfortable with it, as anyone would be, so I was telling her "You are not a whore, or a slut, or a bitch. This is HIS problem, not yours." and telling her to ignore him. I was very close to calling him out on it right there, but for the sake of not making a big scene with a drunk and his drunken friends, I just talked to her about it as it was happening. And though she said, "Well this is nice, being called a whore and a slut and a bitch all night!" sarcastically, I got the feeling that she was used to it and that it was almost...flattering to her to get the attention. There was a big bonfire and watching FIL stare slowly and deliberately at her butt, legs, and even her vagina area as she moved was repulsive. I found DH, we gathered the sleeping kids, and went home. I told DH about what I had witnessed. He wasn't shocked either, but was pretty disturbed. So we talked about how to handle it.
I fb messaged the girl two days later, asking her how she felt about the way he had treated her. She was hesitant to say anything bad had occurred, but did say she felt he had taken it too far and we should get together and talk about it. I decided, with support from DH, to talk to his mom about it. She FLIPPED. She said she didn't believe me, said I had made it into a problem where her niece hadn't felt there was one. I told her she was enabling sexual harrassment of a child (she is), and she is outraged at me. I told her I would play the bad guy if she just needs someone to blame (I was very tactful in bringing it up initially, but once she called me a liar and began defending the repulsive behavior, I was done being nice), but she better believe I am going to defend that girl against this inappropriate man, who she spends wayyyy too much time with unsupervised. MIL's family has a long history of sexual and verbal and physical abuse, so it isn't surprising to me that the niece doesn't find his behavior deviant, though it is sad that this is what she expects of men. MIL is an enabler always, but this is bad.
DH works with his dad, and his dad refuses to speak to him for three days. I have DH's support, but this situation makes me consider my three daughters (and son!) and what is now sure to be the lost relationship with both grandparents on DH's side. What do I do from here?!?
Side note: FIL has outrageous amounts of pornography depicting "legal" girls who look to be barely teenagers. MIL told me that they have not had sex in 15 years due to his "diabetes", something she feels is an excuse since he masturbates to his porn with no issue.