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FIL potentially a pedophile? need advice! - Page 2

post #21 of 23

Reading the OP's posts makes my hair stand on end.  I don't frequent this forum but the title caught my eye.  I "know" (in the general sense) these types of families from how I grew up.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitteh View Post

If this man has had unfettered access to the girl since she was 11 (and presumably well before then?) I would assume that he has spent plenty of time grooming her, so I wouldnt be surprised if she isn't very forthcoming with details, or if she almost seems to enjoy the attention and seems reluctant to out him. Especially if she is from a broken home with parent(s) who struggle with addiction. Abusers usually prey on children like her, because their vulnerability leaves them more compliant. And abusers are good at cultivating the "good guy" image among other adults, because it allows them to get away with their abuse longer, unchecked.

I'd say your FIL absolutely showed his true colors that night at the bonfire when he got drunk and said those things/oogled his niece. Frankly I'm shocked that you are the only adult who seemed to notice and be repulsed by it! But that fact suggests to me that this girl really has no one in her life--close or extended family or adult friends--who is willing or able to protect her. I urge YOU to be that adult, by notifying her mother AND also calling CPS. and if i were you I would certainly never leave my children in his presence without my own close supervision. (Actually, I would never bring my children around him, period. But sometimes its not that simple.)

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainface View Post

What you're describing is much more than pedophilia. This is full on chaotic, unhealthy, entrenched, multigenerational family dynamics that you cannot fix. Nobody else in the family is concerned because this is normal for them. Report to CPS with the understanding that they may not do anything, and make yourself a port in the storm for your niece. She needs it. It will be a balancing act between how far to pull yourself back for your own kids' safety vs staying close enough to the situation to support this girl.

 

 

A thousand times over to the above, especially the bolded.  The "good guy" imagine combined with access are probably the two most essential tools in an abuser's tool box.

 

I was close with girls in these types of families but couldn't/didn't know how to speak up to a trusted adult.  The veil of secrecy/silence is so strong. 

post #22 of 23

I'm late to this but his behavior sounds hugely inappropriate.

 

I'd take it seriously, as when I was 14 a 57 year old friend of my teacher started trying to befriend me and my family. Turns out he was already abusing my teachers daughter and so had actually been trying to groom me.

post #23 of 23
You are absolutely doing the right thing by blowing the whistle on this!! Your niece may be SAYING nothing ever happened to protect him; I thought you said something about him being the only father-figure she knows, so it's also the only way she knows to get affection from men, and therefore wouldn't want to lose that. If he got drunk and said those things in a "public" setting, he's obviously said them before, and certainly done more in private. She will probably never admit to it, because as others have said, she'd feel like it was her fault or that it wasn't really wrong because he never "forced" her to do anything, so maybe she DOES feel like a slut. Either way, it's appalling. She will wind up with that "slut" self-image, and become easy prey for not only other predators, but teenage boys who just want a "piece" of her.

 

I was sexually abused by my brain-damaged uncle from the time I was in diapers until I was 9 years old, and big enough to kick him in the gonads when he approached me. By that time, he'd already been to prison and back for molesting another little girl, who ran screaming home and told her mom when he snatched her into the bushes by the school bus stop. When the court psychologist interviewed me during his trial, my grandmother NEVER even told my mother she took me there...and the whole time, she sat there glaring at me, as if DARING me to say anything about what she knew full well he'd done to me. I was 6 at the time, and equally terrified of her as I was to lie to the court...fortunately, the psychologist realized this, and got out some anatomically correct dolls so I could SHOW her what he'd done. What a GREAT message to send to me, that he could go to prison for doing this to another child, but I wasn't important enough to protect. I still struggle with the low self-esteem that came from this situation.

 

Decades later, I was sexually harassed by my ex FIL, and when I told my ex MIL about it, she went into denial as well. They had no sexual relationship, and he would disgustingly ogle me constantly and even groped me once. I almost knocked him out. It was awful.

 

Then, at the same time I was dealing with that, there was the heart-wrenching case of a 16 yo girl I knew (a friend of my ex's cousin), in this teensy little back-country town.  Her alcoholic mother turned a blind eye as she was molested by her older brother, and brought home God knows how many one-night stands she picked up in bars. One of these low-life men got the 16yo drunk enough to pass out, and she came to in the middle of being raped.  Her mother made her throw away her bloody panties, and clean up any evidence. The girl came to me and my ex's cousin, sobbing and terrified...we convinced her to call the police from our house, which she did.  This small-town, small-minded cop came out and took a report of what happened, then called a female crisis counselor to come talk to the victim.  He stood around the corner and listened in, and when she felt comfortable enough to confess more details of the attack to the female counselor, the cop thought she was changing her story and lying about the whole thing. He locked her in the backseat of his police car, and basically interrogated her and mindf*cked her to the point that she broke down sobbing and told him she made it all up because she was mad at her mom, just to get him to leave her alone.  Then he called her mother to come get her, and when I saw the mom pull in the driveway with the girl's abusive brother, I just about lost my mind. I was sobbing and screaming inside, but couldn't do a thing. The girl was grounded for months, had to sneak phone calls to us while her mom was out.  What could I do?! I was powerless, heartbroken for her, and even years later, it still brings me to tears to think of what happened and what this girl's life must have turned into after I moved away.

 

So Lionmama08,  I UNDERSTAND how in your case, calling the police may not be the best choice unless you can prove something awful happened. But something must be done - tell the girl's mother, make a big deal about it to your MIL, insist that no girl is with your FIL unsupervised, warn all the girls he's around, do it in front of him and embarrass the f*ck out of him...and certainly NEVER EVER let your daughters near him. Did I say, NEVER EVER?! Yeah. Shame on him. Good for you.

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