I know that there have been multiple past threads about KD stuff, but I have a few specific questions and I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to talk about their experience.
My lovely wife and I are hoping to start TTC in just about exactly one year, when she will be 31 and I will be 30. The hope is that I'll be the one getting pregnant, so we're waiting til I finish my MSW program and take my initial licensure exam. We are so excited! It feels like way way too long, but there's lots to do to get ready (I mean, besides finishing my degree!) and it's exciting to think that it's finally time to start doing those prep things.
We would really like to use a known donor for a number of reasons. Frankly, a primary one is financial - I can't imagine circumstances under which we'd ever be able to afford banked sperm - but it is also our first choice for other reasons. We have struggled to think of people we would want/feel comfortable asking, but have had an uneasy list of potential ask-ees for a while now. It's felt really discouraging in some ways, because the whole idea of asking has felt so complicated and scary.
Very recently I thought of someone who might be kind of perfect, and who for some reason hadn't come to mind earlier. This is the husband (D) of a very dear friend of mine. I used to work with her, but they moved to a city a few hours away about a year ago. Although the primary friendship is between me and P, the wife, we have spent time together as two couples and really enjoy one another's company. P and D have an eight-month-old daughter - my partner and I adore her. They are older than us - early 40s - and I don't think are likely to have another child, although I don't think they've ruled it out.
D feels like an ideal choice for so many reasons. He is an amazing, smart, progressive (radical) guy who cares about us and respects queer families. He is someone I would love to have in my child's life, and who I think could handle the complexity of being connected without being dad. They leave relatively nearby (we could do out and back in one day if necessary). He is a great communicator, as is P.
So.... ok. That was a long intro.
But I'm wondering if people have had experiences of working with KDs who are a) good friends but not super-amazingly-close friends, and b) married w/ kids of their own. I can't quite figure out why, but I keep thinking it would be easier if we were thinking about asking a single guy or a partnered guy who didn't have or want his own children.
Also, I really really value D and P's friendship, as does my partner. This kind of process feels like it could potentially bring people closer together, but also has the potential to strain or damage relationships. It feels really scary to ask. I want them to say yes, but I also want them to say no if that is the right answer for them.
Anyone who asked someone initially by email feel willing to share the email or the template? How did ask-ees respond? Does it make sense to address the email to the couple, since that is really where the relationship lies, or just to D?
Mostly I guess I just want to hear people's experiences. If there is someone out there who's worked with a KD who is married and had kids of his own, and who is also a valued friend, I'd especially welcome those stories - did it work, was it ultimately a bad idea, what do you wish you'd known before you began the process?
Thanks so much!