A quick ultrasound to do a limb check might be good for your peace of mind. I didn't want to get more than just the 20 week, but I got one at 13 and it made me feel so much better.
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Expecting a Rainbow - Page 5post #81 of 1239/27/13 at 2:58pmpost #82 of 1239/27/13 at 8:56pm
Very emotional today. I've had some very light spotting this week that upset me enough to try and seek medical attention. I went to a tiny little urgent care place (that accepts medicaid) not expecting them to have the equipment to assist me, but thinking they would refer me to an obgyn or something. nope. They told me to go to the emergency room and to expect a trans-vaginal ultrasound...which i was not interested in, not because of 2 spots of blood! The last thing i want right now is anything inserted! So a day or two passes with no further spotting, until today when I wiped and found it pretty much covered in blood. the rest of the day has been light pink when wiping, but i feel achey and very, very upset. We are in the midst of packing up for an event this weekend, an outdoor all day event that's taking place about an hour and a half from our home. Hubby had left to spend the day setting up tents and other preparation... so i was home with my daughter and my toddler, and he took the car with the car seats installed in it! argh! So I spent the day, trying not to be a weepy mess in front of my daughter, freaking out that I might have lost the baby, telling myself not to freak out.... trying to balance needing to get stuff done, with resting my body. Hubby is finally home at like 10:30 at night, and i'm trying to decide if i should go to the emergency room after all.
I did call teh midwife whom i have scheduled to meet next week monday and blubbered to her... felt like a total fool, but... she was very kind and helpful. she didn't offer to come to my house and use doppler, *sigh* I was kinda hoping she would. but she was caring and responsive which is nice considering she has never even met me! Hubby is out buying me some wild yam extract which she suggested as it would boost progesterone, if that's the issue.
I still have to decide what to do about tomorrow... do I stay home and rest? Which means i miss out on something i've been looking forward to for months... and if i stay home, should hubby stay home, cuz i definitely got super pissed at him today for not making me a priority. He could have come home at any time, he wanted to be there and I didn't tell him to come, i said i didn't think there was anything he could do. But when it got later and later and he hadn't come home, i got crazy mad. Every time i talked to him during the day he infuriated me... he *couldn't* say the right thing... i don't know what the right thing would have been, but he certainly didn't say it!!!
I thought i felt the baby kick within the last 36 hours, but I'm only 14 weeks, so... it's really hard to be certain what i was feeling. I'm super tired and cranky and emotional and scared and really, really pissed.post #83 of 1239/27/13 at 9:01pmpost #84 of 1239/28/13 at 5:14amThread StarterBanana - ((hugs)) mama! It sounds like a very trying day. I totally understand what you are saying about your husband not being able to say the right thing no matter what. I believe that is completely normal and you had the kids on top of it so you were trying to stay stable when all you wanted to do was fall apart. You had a very rough day. Can you call an ob office and talk with a nurse there? If not, at least your appointment is on Monday. About the event, if it were me, I would go. If you stay home, you're going to wallow but if you go, you might have an enjoyable weekend. Hoping its nothing!!post #85 of 1239/28/13 at 5:19ampost #86 of 1239/29/13 at 4:24pm
Thanks for the responses guys. I did end up going in to the ER on Saturday morning and was there for what felt like forever... by myself. The good news is that baby is okay, for now... which actually was a big surprise for me because when i was in the ultrasound room, I was convinced that there was no heartbeat. I laid there and cried while the technician did her job. she asked me about pain and if i was certain of dates and well I couldn't really see the screen well. At the end she turned the screen and pointed out the profile of the baby but I thought that there wasn't any movement at all and was pretty much heartbroken and alone. So when the doc told me the baby's heartrate an hour later I was floored. I had pretty much already given up hope. It was the strangest feeling ever... knowing that my baby is okay.
The bad news is that there is some weirdness.. some inconsistencies. They did find a hemorage... a subchorionic hematoma, which explains the spotting. Also the ultras sound measures the baby as being 9 and a half weeks, which totally does not match my 14 week LMP dating. In addition the quantitative blood test for HCG was much lower than it should be... 1650. the doctor said something about how these things together could add up to present a picture of a "backsliding" pregnancy. That this could still lead to a miscarriage. *sigh*
So i've been at home on bed rest since then and am following up with the midwife (who I have yet to interview) on monday... so interview will be more complicated, eh?
Really going through a lot of emotions. I feel strangely guilty about the whole thing, like somehow I let everyone down... me, my baby, my husband. i'm haunted by the idea that I've spent so much of this pregnancy being sick and scared and worrying about money and feeling judged for having so many kids while living at poverty level...I feel like i was inhospitable to my baby.. like I did n't show enough love or joy or whatever. I know in my head that this isn't fair, that i should be kind to myself... that i haven't done anything "wrong" but I feel really upset that I'm not "proud" of the time I've spent with this baby in my life. But, I was really sick and there is no money and i am worried about how to make it all work... that's the reality of my life. I wasn't being a bad mom, i was being good mom to worry about all that. I was being a good mom to worry about the impact this pregnancy has on the big picture, on my other kids...
so... sorry to dump a load of sad on you guys. I'm scared and i'm sad knowing that my baby is small... I also feeling full of love cuz somehow i've made a switch into feeling a full hearted response to my little one. It scares me to give my baby my love because i *know* that something is off... but I'd rather do it now while i can. I'm feeling very surrounded by love from friends and family who are praying for us. Maybe everything will turn around and my babe will be just fine... it's possible. anything is possible.
Bananapost #87 of 1239/29/13 at 5:12pmI hooe it is not as bad as you fear.
I have a very good friend, she uc'd. She knew her dates, got a positive pregnancy test at the appropriate time and then proceeded to not give birth for 14 months... the only thing thay we can figure is thay maybe she had a chemical pregnancy, didn't bleed and then got pregnant pretty quickly...though she had symptoms the whole time.
So while it is unusual, maybe not all hope is lost. So.much love to you. Try not to beat yourself up. Youare doing your bestpost #88 of 1239/29/13 at 5:39pm
It took them an hour to tell you there was a heartbeat when you were crying?? That's shitty.
And if something is off with it and even if it ends in miscarriage - it is not your fault. It is normal. It SUCKS but you didn't cause it. People who hate the very thought of their pregnancy give birth to healthy babies and people who love every second miscarry. It's not your fault.
And it is possible that it will be just fine. *hugs* I'm sorry this is stressful and I'm glad you went in.post #89 of 1239/29/13 at 6:26pm
Thank you for responding ladies. I'm really hoping that tomorrow when I see the midwife that she will be able to help me piece together a picture that isn't quite so heart breaking. I've been reading a bit about the hematoma and see that it's actually really common, so that's good. and i know logically that ultrasound estimates can be off... but knowing my HCG is low freaks me out. Anyway, about to snuggle up in my "bed rest" nest in the livingroom and watch a movie with hubby. It is nice to have an "excuse" to lay around, eat and snuggle. Bet it would get old fast, but for now... I'm seeing some good in it.
post #90 of 1239/29/13 at 9:53pm
I am sorry! For what it is worth, my midwife told me (since I had an early ultrasound at 8 weeks) that I had a subchorionic hematoma, that it is not unusual and to expect some bleeding...which has not happened yet. Sending good thoughts to you. Breathe breathe breathe. A good friend was told her HCG was dangerously low, only to find out later that they misread the test. Urgh. Sometimes the interventions bring peace of mind and sometimes they make us stressed for no reason. Remember, if you are having threatened miscarriage, you can bag what you have to do and just chill. I remember going to work last time and in hindsight I wish I had just been still...not that that would have saved the pregnancy, but that it would have allowed me more room to be present with my body. Blessings.post #91 of 1239/29/13 at 10:02pm
Oh Banana, fear not about dumping a load on us. That is why this thread is here, right? During my latest miscarriage, my DDC made all of the difference in how I felt about it. I am hoping, hoping that everything is alright with you. I've been thinking about you often all through, actually, as this pregnancy was bringing you through so much "rainbow trauma" from the get-go. Don't kid yourself that that has anything to do with any problems (that are hopefully not really there!): my 16 week miscarriage was after nursing w/ a 1-year-old, traveling solo through SE-Asia, etc., and it could have been so easy to blame myself but it had nothing to do with me. I'm glad you're feeling an upwelling of love now, though, because that seems like a healing emotion that will bring whole through wherever this pregnancy is taking you. Guilt has no place here, only love, even if a fearful love at this point.
Keep us updated. We're all pulling for you, and there for you too.post #92 of 1239/30/13 at 8:12amThread Starter
Banana - I am glad you went in although I agree with Beckily that it's crappy they didn't tell you the heartbeat news until an hour later! Sheesh! I am hoping that things will turn out alright for you and in the mean time, I want you to know that this is NOT your fault. When you were explaining about your worry, you are right to worry about your family and how adding another child will change things. You were sick, you were worried, you were thinking of your whole family, including this new little one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Good mommas worry. Which... I bet you are worrying right now too. That is also normal :) I hope resting and speaking with your midwife will bring you more peace. Hugs to you!post #93 of 1239/30/13 at 8:57pmpost #94 of 12310/1/13 at 3:50am
Banana, so many hugs and healthy vibes coming your way. I so feel for you. Pregnancy after a loss is such an emotional roller coaster anyways, and going though what you are sounds super super stressful. Please just try and be *kind* to yourself, allow yourself to rest and relax until you see your midwife, take it one day, one minute at a time. So sorry you are dealing with all of this. I am thinking about you!post #95 of 12310/1/13 at 8:55am
Thanks again ladies for lovin' on me and not being thrown by my "bad news"... no changes, no bleeding... lots of laying around watching stuff on netflix. Can't quite shake the desire to weep, but am not actually weeping. My daughter, the 9 year old has been doing so much to take care of me... hubby and I were joking around about what our *grades* are as far as being on bed rest... I receive a C plus. I am mostly doing what I'm supposed to, but am not an example of perfect compliance... My daughter gets get a solid B for care-taking as she has cheerfully dealt with her little brother, brought me simple foods and been the one to hop up and do stuff in between laying next to me and watching buffy :) Hubby gets a D in care taking. He's been gone a lot and when he's home has not been quick to hop up and see what the toddler is doing... his philosophy is that HE doesn't have to change his parenting style, right? I say, wrong... i get anxious when toddler is gone too long, or is too quiet and the giant scribble across my bathroom wall with crayon illustrates my point. Truly considering a significant baby gate across the kitchen door if this continues! i decided hubby's grade improved after he spent hours cleaning hours yesterday... he gets a C for cleaning. *snort*
I did go to see the midwife yesterday and definitely felt like she had good energy, like a connection was there for us... found out they are willing to work with extended payments and are open to barter. i was able to say out loud in a way that my husband hadn't heard me say before that i don't envision this birth as an unassisted one. That my gut feeling about this birth is that i want a support team. i was surprised he hadn't heard me say that, because I feel like i've been saying that for awhile... but i guess he heard me saying that "money shouldn't be the defining factor in a choice to go UC." which is different from... "I want a midwife".
We didn't sign a contract or anything, especially since I'm in wait and see mode. But the loving respectful treatment from the midwife was very helpful. i will need to go back to the ER in order to have a second blood draw done. I tried to go last night but there was a 3 hour wait to be seen and I wasn't willing to be away from my bed that long , just to find out a number.
hubby is all interested in a theory that I might have had a very early loss and we immediately got pregnant again... to explain baby being 9 and a half weeks. My question about this is... LMP adds 2 silly weeks on, in which baby wasn't even conceived, right? So when they say baby is 9 and a half weeks are they adding on the 2 random weeks included in LMP meaning baby has been growing for 7 and a half weeks? Or does the ultra sound age not account for that difference? cuz if you take 2 weeks off the LMP i'm 12 plus weeks and baby is 9 plus weeks... it's a smaller gap in dates and that makes a difference in my mind. Well, maybe i can get that question answered today at the hospital... I hate to go back but i don't seem to have many other options. my insurance is an issue.
Thanks for caring ladies... I haven't updated anywhere but here as I remember how it feels to learn that a due date sister is having trouble... I don't want to traumatize the first timers who are merrily skipping along in happy glowing pregnancy land. *snort* I don't want to dump on you guys either but will take aloya's response to heart.. that you guys are willing to be there for this. thank you again.
Bananapost #96 of 12310/1/13 at 11:03am
That fetal age vs pregnancy length thing makes me crazy sometimes, trying to figure it out. They generally tell you non-fetal age, I think. because they said I was 13 weeks, but obviously the fetus was only growing for the 11 because it didn't change my dates.
I'm SO GLAD you like your midwife!! :D:D And that your husband understood you want a midwife. And that you did such an awesome job with that older daughter :)post #97 of 12310/1/13 at 2:38pmpost #98 of 12310/1/13 at 2:41pmpost #99 of 12310/1/13 at 4:16pmThread Starter
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