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Happy Adoptee here - Page 2

post #21 of 60
Mom0810 I'm not adopted but estranged from my entire family for almost ten years. I am not in your circumstance but respect your stance 100 percent. There is no emotion here that is what is confusing from the replies. IMO when things don't align with one's POV or societies then it must be flawed and attacked. A mother is only there to give birth its the baby who grows into an adults choice as to what relationship she/he wants. The minute the mother regardless of circumstance gives up her baby she should respectively wait for that child/adult to make contact if wished. Not the other way around like pp I would have the same reaction. The mother already made her choice now its the child/adults that should be respected. Op I'm sorry and disgusted that you are getting this much flak for your honesty. Don't listen to the naysayers.
post #22 of 60
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for that support and understanding.
post #23 of 60

You know I don't think it is flak and naysaying. The adoptive mamas on this forum work very hard at understanding all points of view. They are among the most open and unbiased women I've ever "met." I think people are just trying to understand. You are expressing a view that is totally legitimate; there is nothing at all wrong with your view. We have had threads by very hurt adoptees and there was as open a dialogue as could be, again, with people just seeking to understand each other. We've had threads by those still questioning how they feel. We have also had threads like yours before. When folks question or try to explore or 'massage' the conversation, it doesn't mean that they feel you are not expressing something legitimate. There is just a wish to more fully understand. There are strong feelings on all sides of the triad, whether or not the triad is an active part of your life. If your birth mom was on a forum right now, she might be expressing any number of feelings about how things went or how they are with you now. All of it can be considered important. YOur adoptive parents/family's feelings, your feelings, your birth mom's feelings. That doesn't mean YOU have to be the one to connect to all their feelings; it just means they are all legitimate. 

post #24 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post

And for me, I respectfully disagree.  There is no triad.  I'm thankful that closed adoption still exists for those who want it that way.  There is only a triad in open adoptions, which mine was, THANKFULLY, not.  

 

Yes for those that want it that way, but not for every mother that wants to pursue adoption.

post #25 of 60

mom0810,

The title of your thread grabbed my attention and I wanted to speak up in support. I'm an international adoptee so I don't know how much I would be able to find if I ever were to go look. Growing up I had a lot of anger towards biomom and over the years my feelings about being adopted have changed. Now I feel sorry for her that she felt that that was her only option and the only reason I would ever attempt to contact her would be to let her know I turned out okay. I would feel completely weirded out if she contacted me in the way your bio family reached out to you. I would feel like they are overstepping their boundaries, sharing DNA is doesn't give you a right to leave and barge in whenever is convenient.

I feel the same about there not being room for another relationship, I just can't picture how it would work, would we send each other christmas cards? I don't want to know her or her reason(s) and maybe that's some remaining anger or resentment but that's what I feel is best for me right now.

post #26 of 60
Thread Starter 
Thank you, dakipode. smile.gif
post #27 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post

Queenjane,

I have respect for your point of view, so I would appreciate if, even though you don't understand, you would respect mine. You seem to be questioning my views an awful lot- are you trying to learn for your own experience, or do you disagree with me? Either way, it's fine- but it just seems by your posts that you are arguing with me, and I didn't post to have a discussion about why I feel the way I do... I was trying to make the point that not all adoptees want or need contact.

 

 

I can't "disagree with you" because its your OWN feelings and experiences. The reason i am asking you questions is because I find your position difficult to understand. Since this is a *discussion* board i thought we could discuss the issue more in depth. However if you are looking for support, thats fine. (Although, if you're completely at ease with your position and hardly even think about being adopted im not sure what you would need support with yknow?) I should probably point out that this is an adoptive *parenting* forum, not an adoptee support forum (i personally dont have a problem with adoptee/birthparent issues being discussed here but it was decided long ago those posts should go to the personal growth forum if i recall.) I do think its a little odd that if you're totally happy that you would be so...hostile? maybe thats too strong of a word...adamant? and use such strong language regarding your birthfamily (insisting they are strangers, nothing to you, seem sort of incredulous they would want contact as if they are so strange for wanting to know you.....) etc. But its not my life so i cant really judge. 

post #28 of 60
Thread Starter 
Exactly. You can't. But it kind of seems like you are...
post #29 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post



They are strangers, and that is how I wish for it to stay. It clouds things too much for me to even consider letting them in my life. When a birth mother gives a baby up, she should do so with the desire that that child completely assimilate into the family they are adopted into. She can't have it both ways- give up the baby for a better life, and still hope for contact. Let go and go away is my feeling.

 

 

Actually she CAN have it "both ways" and many birthmothers DO. In fact, i'd say open adoption (with varying levels of contact) is the norm nowadays. I know it wasnt the norm in the early 70s when you were born. 

 

And even when a child has no contact that doesnt mean he doesnt feel a connection to his birthmother. My son asked me the other day if he could visit his bmom. I said i dont know where she lives "well you could call and ASK her!" i said i dont have her number. He was sad about that. He says he misses her.  Not being able to see her doesnt make the desire to see her go away. It just makes him feel sad. I guess i feel such a connection and sadness for my kids' birthmothers (even though they didnt do a good job of actually parenting them) that i cant imagine reducing them to essentially surrogate status. Obviously you feel differently. 

post #30 of 60
Thread Starter 
I'm not hostile... Or adamant... Except for the fact that my feelings have been repeatedly questioned by one person. If you can't relate to my point of view, that's fine. But the relentless questioning and re-questioning is kind of unwelcome, I have to say.
post #31 of 60
Thread Starter 
If your son has questions, perhaps that is due to the fact that you have several degrees of open adoption in your family, and that is discussed often?

BM *is* in fact a surrogate in my view. That's my story. Your kids have different stories. The fact that most adoptions are open now does not mean that this option is right for everyone. I'm so thankful mine was closed. Incredibly so.
post #32 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post

I'm not hostile... Or adamant... Except for the fact that my feelings have been repeatedly questioned by one person. If you can't relate to my point of view, that's fine. But the relentless questioning and re-questioning is kind of unwelcome, I have to say.

 

Sorry its the nature of discussion boards. to..yknow...discuss. I guess i should have stuck with a benign "Awesome! thanks for sharing!!! woohoo!!" but it seems rather shallow. 

post #33 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post

If your son has questions, perhaps that is due to the fact that you have several degrees of open adoption in your family, and that is discussed often?

BM *is* in fact a surrogate in my view. That's my story. Your kids have different stories. The fact that most adoptions are open now does not mean that this option is right for everyone. I'm so thankful mine was closed. Incredibly so.

 

My son knows he has a birthmother because he knows he is adopted. I've told him all the info i know about his birthmother (which mostly consists of her name) and we occasionally have conversations about her, which usually involves him asking to see her and me saying i dont know where she lives. One time on this board a poster accused some of us mothers of influencing our children's view of birthfamily, that if they were sad or missed their birthmom or wanted contact that it MUST be because we made it so. That a child removed at birth couldnt possibly have those feelings on their own. But that is not what i've seen my adopted children. They were placed at 3 weeks old and at 16 months (16 month old had visits at agency with bparents until age 2 when rights were terminated) and my daughter placed with me at age 8 shortly after TPR. None have contact with birthfamily. All have varying degrees of missing and wondering about bfamily, which has been different throughout the years (middle son went through a period where he was kind of obsessing about missing his "black daddy" and asking about him all day every day, now he hardly mentions him. older adopted son didnt mention birthfamily for like three or four years then started expressing curiosity and sadness. Daughter, who lived with her bmom for quite a number of years when she wasnt in foster care obviously has a more complicated relationship and probably thinks of her bmom as her "real mom" in a way that the other two do not. 

 

I never said open adoption was right for everyone. 

post #34 of 60
Thread Starter 
Right- so you have one child who knows her BM and thinks of her and I'm sure talks about her. You don't think that influences the other children?

Three weeks in your son's case is much different than zero days in my case.

In my view, this was another way for me to get to my REAL mom. My real family. Surrogacy is a description that I really like.

I honestly wrote that I have no feelings and no desire to know these people. Asking the question once is discussing. Hammering me over and over with basically the same question because you can't seem to believe that I actually feel the way that I do- these people are strangers and not my family- that's not discussion. That's badgering because my view obviously does not sit well with you for some reason.
post #35 of 60

I dont see any badgering here. If you post on a discussion board, people will ask questions. Especially if they cant wrap their head around it.

post #36 of 60

I just want to thank the original poster.  What I got from her first post was that there seems to be a lack of positive stories from adoptees on the web and she wanted to balance that by posting here.  I, too, would love to hear more positive stories from adoptees . . . but I can be happy to think that the reason why we don't see/hear these stories on the web might be due to this:  not all adoptees choose to tell the world that they're adopted.  My daughter probably would not choose to create a blog or make posts just to express her happiness that I am her mom and that she's okay with her birth mom being known but not being a parent.

 

I can understand the desire to just have one family, not an extended family of bio and adopted relations.  I don't have time to share our story of open adoption from within the family.  But I see our adopted daughter struggle with other people's perceptions - especially when school friends start asking her questions about her "real" mom.  They mean her bio mom when they use the word "real", but she considers me her real mom and it hurts her to have friends not understand.  Sometimes she has to deal with friends of her bio parents talking with her at parties about how they remember her as a little baby. (this has happened when we were not with her)  She seems to feel invaded by their assumption of familiarity.  They are truly strangers to her yet they are talking with her as if she had grown up knowing them.  These are just friends of her bio parents.  I'm sure her feelings of being invaded would be much much stronger if there was a closed adoption and her bio parents started making contact with all those assumptions of familiarity.

 

I can also sympathize with the desire to talk about such experiences with other adoptees who are happy with their family life, rather than with those who are unhappy and striving to connect with their bio family.

 

Hope this makes sense. . . . fuzzy brain these days with a newborn.

 

happy friday to you all!

post #37 of 60
Thread Starter 

OrmEmbar,

 

Thank you SO much.  Yes.  This is just how I feel.

 

And frankly, if I have answered the same question in one thread more than once, yet the question continues to be asked, then yeah.  It's badgering.  This is my experience, and I've been completely honest.  If someone else can't understand, that's their issue, not mine.  

post #38 of 60

Moving thread to Personal Growth where most of the adult adoptee threads are hosted.

post #39 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post

Right- so you have one child who knows her BM and thinks of her and I'm sure talks about her. You don't think that influences the other children?

Three weeks in your son's case is much different than zero days in my case.
 

 

In the interest of clarity....my daughter doesnt really speak of her bmom around the other children, she doesnt talk too much about her but when she does its usually just the two of us. 

 

My son who was placed with me at age 3 weeks was never with his birthmother (beyond the time she had him after giving birth)....he was in the hospital for two weeks (without bmom) and then in another foster home for six days. Do you mean its "much different" in terms of....well in terms of what? im not sure what you mean? In terms of him bonding with bmom? he was never with birthmom. In terms of OUR bond? it couldnt be stronger even if he was born to me. 

post #40 of 60

Interesting thread. I am not adopted, nor is anybody close to me. But I think I can relate to not wanting to know one's birth-family. I don't think it's necessarily hostility. It's just neutrality. There are lots of members of my own extended family who live far away and who I've never had contact with. I don't feel a lack of that relationship in my life because I don't know what I'm missing. I don't feel duty-bound to establish and maintain contact with, say, my dad's cousins. Our lives do not overlap at all and I am okay with that. It is not a slight on them as I am sure they are perfectly fine people, but I don't think just being related is enough to make me want to keep that contact. I know it's not perfectly analogous, but I think that feeling "okay, I am related to this person genetically but not knowing them does not feel like a void in my life" makes sense. 

 

My Facebook is not very limited. I try to keep it to people who I actually have some sort of contact with, but I do have some random distant relatives on there and they do feel like strangers, and it's a little weird. I kind of figure Facebook isn't really all that private anyway, but still. 

 

And I definitely think that the negative side of adoption shows up online, for the reason noted in the original post--people who are content are unlikely to be searching for answers, writing blogs, etc. 

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