I'm so hesitant to even type away on the subject...
I find myself becoming embarrassed on the subject of mental health. My professional background had involved working with higher-needs children and understanding human development and some of the ins-and-outs of mental health in children, so I just feel like an even larger walking-talking failure when I'm in a bit of a low place like this.
I'm a simple person, I really am. And so, feeling so swamped by life just feels so, so unneeded. I recognize I'm overwhelmed, though I mistake it for even more and am at a bit of a mental breaking point right now. I've struggled with mental health issues of my own in the past anyway... ongoing depression and anxiety problems since/stemming from childhood (Sob-story, forgive me!) and lately I've been showing symptoms that more resemble bipolar disorder with periods of hypomania. But I'm overall healthy, I "look" fine, given how I'm percieved in my own community, me going through some form of dramatic mental collapse would seem out-of-place or character. But what I'm feeling right now, and what my poor spouse is taking on (on top of greater care of our children) is a very down, down, down version of myself.
So I'm feeling this shit, and yet I can see in moments too that I'm just plain effing swamped.
We bought a house we really couldn't afford on a whim and totally switched gears from our norm to move to the country and be close to our families when I was 35 weeks pregnant with our twins.
The pipe dream was to really fix up this old, time-piece of a home and utilize it's commercial space, developing a child care/community space, allowing me to continue work in the early childhood education field but for myself and raise our children while doing it.
Ironically, there lies a whole-being, wellness centred philosophy centred in this space that I'm still trying to get off the ground for work two years later, and I'm so over-my-head I feel like jumping ship.
Right now I use our home/space to provide child care on my own until the business plan kinks can be worked out and we can expand, have more staff, etc. And I'm in a place of taking on too much for the sake of making financial ends meet, which leaves me feeling depleted, practically crawling to my room crying at the end of the day and not enjoying family time we could be having because I need a good cry or need to continue trying to work out bills, books, etc.
Still pushing to get my business more off the ground, mainly because I miss the supportive environment of working with others- having a child care facility with a cook, and resources, etc. I'm socially unstimulated, emotionally spent, and honestly all I want to do right now is get rid of this house, scrap it all and work a job that I can just leave at the end of the day so I can have actual quality time with my children where I'm not being the objective, child care provider version of mom through the day.
Cheers! Thank you, thank you.