I am going to lose it. I know it's my job as a SAHM and I love my kids and I know I signed up for this and I wouldn't trade it for the world but OMG it's really f*cking hard and I need a break. My baby is 10 months old and I haven't left her for longer than the half hour it took to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I feel like she whines constantly. She wakes up over and over at night. She won't stay on my back while I'm cooking anymore, and she's figured out how to get past the baby gate I have put up. I don't know how I'm going to make dinner for us tonight without one of us crying. I feel like my 6 year old asks me for things constantly and won't listen and won't help me out without putting up a huge fuss. She's harassing me currently to use the computer. She almost without fail wakes up the baby as soon as she's asleep and I think I'm going to get a break or get something done. I am getting angry and cranky and I am exhausted. I am so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. I am getting mad at my kids when I shouldn't be and I feel awful but I am just so burnt out right now. My head is spinning. My husband has been gone for a week and is working all the time when he's here. I just called him because I'm about to lose my mind and I told him how I was feeling and all he said was "Oh." OH?! That's it?! I don't have anyone to talk to and I am going to burst into tears the next time one of them whines at me for something. I love love love my babies and I feel so bad and like a horrible mother right now but my mind is melting and the anger is building and I am irrational and I am not sure what to do because I can't even go to the bathroom by myself or think any of my own thoughts. Ha, I am writing run-on sentences, I feel so crazy.
Am I just a bad mother who shouldn't have ever done this in the first place? My husband told me the other night that he "decided that we shouldn't have any more kids" because when he gets home from work I am exhausted and frazzled and I "complain too much" about it to him. He doesn't get it. He just does. not. know. what it's like to be with kids ALL THE TIME. He doesn't know what it's like to have to hold a screaming baby who wants to eat toilet paper while you're trying to poop. Sure, he works all day, I appreciate how hard he works and I am so happy he does, and I know he is tired at the end of the day. But at least he gets to poop in peace.
I am not always feeling like this, so I really hope no one writes in and tells me I should never have had children. Sometimes it's great. I love playing with my 6 year old and nursing the baby and bringing them to the library to play or the beach to swim. But right now my mind is feeling really fragile, like it's going to split in half at any second and my kids are the ones who are going to get the brunt of it and I feel AWFUL because it's not their fault and they are just kids and I shouldn't get mad at them because this is just life, and that's how it is, and I should just be okay with that.
But my god, I need a break and I feel like no one understands, least of all my husband. I needed to vent and feel like there might be someone, somewhere that will listen and say, I'm so sorry honey, that sounds like it must be really hard for you.