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Where are the parents with Tweens or teens?

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I hate that MDC is so straight, especially where having old kids is concerned. I have a few questions for people out there, I only know a few families with queer parents and older kids, but each of my children are friends with kids who have gay or a trans* parent(s)... There are some issues that heterosexual couples just don't get.

First of all, I recently made friends with a guy whose daughter refers to him as "mom" only since transition, and I can tell he's uncomfortable but doesn't want to take that away from her... The main issue is her outing him in public or to coworkers who don't know his history. It could be unsafe for both of them. He is also excited for our soon to be 13 year old daughters to hang out together, they have spent a bit of time together and get along well. The main issue is his daughter goes to a really preppy school and doesn't know any kids with gay parents, much less trans, so she
doesn't know anyone besides DD in a similar situation. I worry that this girl is a bit of a bad influence on DD but understand this girl is in a tough spot, so it's hard to say no.

I also feel like DD is also likely queer and denies it because she is so obsessed with this cheerleader/sorority girl/trophy wife identity that I can only imagine is her way of rebelling? Please tell me that being a republican or moving to L.A. is something that other queer couples' children do... I know she is only 12 and has no idea who she will become, but the relationship she shares with her best friend is exactly like the one I had with the person I now refer to as "my first girlfriend", if not more so.

I also feel like queer parenting involves a lot of discussion regarding beauty myths and the expectations placed on women in this culture that straight families don't address or get partially wrong and end up perpetuating damaging stereotypes.

Anyway, I hope y'all are out there!
post #2 of 19
Hi! I have a baby but as a former teenager of a queer mom I would say that rebellion takes many forms. I spent a lot of high school sneaking out of the house to go hang out at the evangelical youth group. While I have tempered my religious beliefs (or at least affiliations) a lot since then, I think it was good for me, and my mom, to have me hanging out with people that horrified her a little. I also joined a sorority in college, more to see what it was like than anything else. It was great! I think that it can be hard for any parent to give up control and let their kid see at there is more than one way to be--I can already tell I am going to have a hard time with it. I didn't date women until I was in my mid twenti because it was something my mother did, and I didn't want to be her (this is hilarious now that I have completed my transformation, she, of course, is just like my wonderful grandmother now, so I have so something to look forward to). I guess I would say not to worry about her and just let her find her way. She needs you to love her and be there for her, but not to critique. Good luck! I know there are some parents on here with older kids, so they may have more advice for you.
post #3 of 19

I have a nine year old  - almost a tween. I'm on Mothering about once a month because it's so oriented towards babies and little kids. But yes, there are a whole different set of issues as kids get older. My daughter openly expresses sometimes that she doesn't like having two moms because it makes her different and she just wants a "normal family." We live in a completely queer friendly city, in a state that now has gay marriage, are totally relaxed and open AND she knows several other kids with lesbian/gay parents and she still expresses this. We don't take it personally - she's just expressing the truth which is it's sometimes hard to be different. She is also at a new school and thrilled when she figures out each new friend is OK with her family - something she checks out very carefully. We had an interesting conversation this summer where she confessed that she likes boys and thinks she is probably straight and would we be ok with that? (really cute to have the shoe be on the other foot...)

 

I noticed no one else responded, but you might try posting over in the tweens/teens section. This forum seems to be mostly folks trying to get pregnant or with young children.

post #4 of 19

I don't think there are a ton of us with older kids that post regularly. I have a 17 year-old, though I also have newborn twins so my sleep deprived brain doesn't have a lot of words of wisdom these days.

post #5 of 19
Just saying hi. My 4 kids range from 6-13. I don't feel like we have any real issues with the two mom thing. Plenty of other troubles though!!! Lol.
post #6 of 19

I have an older child as well.   My son is 13. It's a really difficult age because they are insecure and are really trying to fit in. He doesn't have other friends with gay parents which I lament for him.

post #7 of 19

I often saw the threads about "what do we call ourselves" and thought they were kinds silly.  I always thought "just pick a name and go with it. Not everything has to have 12 layers of meaning.  Mom, mama, mommy, whatever and move on."  But my 13 year old son doesn't know what to call us at school.  At home we are mommy and mama.  But what 13 year old calls his mother "mommy" in front of his friends.  We assumed the names would be shortened to Mom and Ma.  But Ma sounds silly and old fashioned to him.  He had to write us a letter to be given to us at back to school night and spent days agonizing over how to address it.

 

Anyone else encounter this?  At what age?  How did it resolve?

 

Queermomma- My son has several other students on his team (a group of about 100 kids) at school with two moms.  He feels more awkward around them because it seems like he just wants to be friends with them because of "who our parents have sex with" (his words).  And that is "disgusting"  No matter what it is hard to be 13!

post #8 of 19
Maybe it's like being culturally Jewish? I was culturally queer before I was actually queer. Not that a 13 year old probably wants more labels...Also, how about Mother? Or my tall mom and my short mom? Or my mom Darlene and my mom Kathy? I've heard people do all three...
post #9 of 19
We have a 3 month old, an 11 year old, and a 15 year old. All girls. The eldest has had a hard time with having queer parents since she was about 10. We live in a very accepting town, but she got to that point where she just wanted us to be "normal". She has rebelled by saying we are going to hell, by saying she is Christian and even mirmon(lol. Didn't follow through with that one) by saying things like "that's so gay" etc. funny thing is, most of her friends like us. It is much better now. Honestly since the baby was born she has been more happy to be a part of and interact with family. Our 11 year old has never had those provlems and I don't think she will rebel in that way. She often says how lucky she is to have two moms. The older girls were 6 and 11 when I joined the family so where I've been a mom to the younger one since early on, I've had to work to earn stepmom status with the oldest. Her mom was with a few women before me, but not since she was much younger, and she still remembers when her dad was around and mourns that loss (he is an addict and they haven't seen him in years). The younger doesn't really remember him being a dad and was not so jaded when I met her. So there's a big difference in where they are coming from.
post #10 of 19
Also we have reason to suspect both older girls are queer, which is funny in a way. We laugh that the oldest who has been so homophobic is probably a lesbian (karma!) but also hope she can be accepting of herself someday.
post #11 of 19

CocoBird my son also went through a period of being embarrassed to have queer parents. We did not live in a very accepting town at the time. He does seem to be much better about it now. Its nice to know that the new baby has helped with the transition for you all. mumm our son just yells out a collective moms whenever we are in public. Chances are that one or both of us will turn our heads but he seems ok with that for now.

post #12 of 19

Just yesterday our 15 yr old was going on about how we are going to Hell, but all with a grin on her face. We laughed and offered some education on what the Bible actually says and what Jesus actually taught (we are not Christians, but my family of origin is, so she gets a lot of misinformation from friends and media). She bantered with us a little, but honestly at this point, I think it is mostly a joke and a way to interact and tease with us. Also, she probably has some questions but isn't comfortable having a serious discussion on the matter. I think it's important that we don't get mad or overreact. We turn it into a more or less positive interaction.

 

Our 15 yr old just refers to us as "Mom" and "Coco" and to her friends "my mom's girlfriend" (which kind of sucks because we are married and prefer "partner" or "wife" but what are ya gonna do...)

Our 11 yr old usually refers to us as "Mom" and "Coco" also. She called me "Coco Mom" for a while, and tried out "Mama" but it didn't stick. To her friends she says "My Mom" for either of us, or sometimes refers to me as "Coco" (particularly to friends who know me).

We decided to be Mom/Mommy and Mama to the baby. Casey is already Mom so Mom/Mommy made sense for her. And I always called my mom Mama so I like that. Hopefully Mom and Mama won't be too awkward when she hits her teens, but that's faaaar in the future, so who knows!

post #13 of 19
I wanted to share with you all that my family has been watching the show "the fosters" together, and I think it has had a really positive effect. It's been really good for our girls to hear one of their favorite teen actors lovingly refer to their "moms." Our 11 yr old has started saying "my moms" a lot since we started watching this show. And our 15 yr old really likes it and I think it is helping her accept that our family is not so weird and having two moms doesn't have to be embarrassing at all. It has some mature content, but it's handled well. I highly recommend it especially to you who have teens!
post #14 of 19

We are also watching The Fosters. Our 13 year old is still a bit immature for the show (he still feels awkward when people kiss on TV).  That said, we also really like the show. Our son has been curious about the show and asked lots of questions. And my partner and I have also really connected with the struggles this family faces. I can't wait for it to come back in January.

post #15 of 19

I'm here.  :)  I have an almost-13 year old daughter.  GF and I have been together 3 years and my ex-husband has been with his GF even longer.  My kiddo says she has three moms.  lol. 

 

I would love to see more conversations among those of us with older kids!  I would visit MDC a lot more often if we had more of a presence here.

post #16 of 19

here! I have a 12 year old stepson, a 12 year old (queer) daughter and a six year old son. My daughter has grown up with my queer identity and self identifies as queer, herself. My stepson is fairly heteronormative and spends a lot of time with his straight father but seems to be normalized to the queer lives around him and my six year old is super blase about it all. They do all go to a super liberal charter school in Portland, Oregon and that helps because lots of the teachers are gay/trans/queer as are other parents. 

post #17 of 19

Welcome new moms with teenagers. My son is 13 and fed up with other boys at his school constantly saying "that's so gay". He says that whenever other kids want to discredit anyone's ideas or behaviors they say "that's so gay". He hates that the word gay gets used as a put down for other boys. I hate it for him but I can't offer much advice. Any ideas? 

post #18 of 19
I just found this forum and I'm so glad I did. I have an 11 year old son. Soon to be 12. And his father has remarried and has a new baby and my partner and I are in the process of finding a donor and going to start with at home insemination. Well my son doesn't call my partner mom or anything. Just calls her Nikki (her name is Nicole) and when he referes to us at school he says my mom and her girlfriend. I try and have open conversations with him about it to see how his peers feel and he just seems to tell me that they don't care. I do live in Southern California but a pretty conservative town. I don't think there are any other same sex parents at his school to be honest.....
I think my son is taking it pretty good. He does get very mad when people say "that's so gay" as well. He tells me it frustrates him. But I don't think he let's on to that at school. I'm so glad I found this forum. I know I'm going to love it and really need it w the AI process and helping my soon to b teenage son through his teenage years with two moms:) thanks all
post #19 of 19
Welcome to Queer Parenting shan33! We're so glad you are here. The Queer Conceptions thread is a great place to get support as you and your partner are trying to conceive.
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