Single Mamas By Choice - Page 2
I've TTC'd w/private donors and a real live partner , and I've asked a few guy friends, but it hasn't gone past the asking stage for them for various reasons. I don't have the resources right now to buy sperm & home insem, which I'd do if I could. I've also considered adopting from foster care, but my home is teeny tiny, not enough room to have a kid by their standards. So that's on the back burner for now.
When I first made the decision to become a SMC I sent a letter out to everyone in my family and all my friends and even acquaintances that I felt a connection with and told them of my plans. I wanted everyone to hear it straight from me-no room for gossip or rumors that way. I lost a couple friends over it and I was also pleasantly surprised by who some of my supporters were. In my immediate family only my mom was a real problem so I had to ban this subject from all future conversations, and we still don't talk about it, but I have plenty of other people that have my back so it's alright.
Perhaps you could invite your brother to take a more active role in the lives of your child(ren) so they have a positive male role model. Sometimes people just need to be given a job, made to feel important to change the attitude and reduce the judgments.
Welcome FarmerMomma-you have quite a unique situation there!
FarmerMomma, I'm envious you're pregnant :)
prescottchels, do you discuss the issue with private donors, and do they relinquish all their rights to their offspring?
I also think it's really courageous to inform friends and family of your decision like that. I was thinking more along the lines of just getting pregnant and telling them when it can't be hidden anymore.
When I was talking to friends about SMP a few of them offered their hubby's sperm :-). It was so cool what some of them said. One said "of course I'd donate. I'd donate blood or anything I could to help a friend." Another said he'd donate to "have more happy kids in the world." One possible donor wanted grandparent rights though. Actually it was of their SIL. I have known this family a long time and don't want that grandpa so that was a deal breaker. I feel like an active father knows what he's giving away with sperm and is less likely to pursue parental rights because he already has his hands full.
Oops, sorry! I meant I'm envious that you're able to get pregnant without planning it. I had a lot of trouble conceiving my dd (2 years of trying plus some infertility treatment).
That is very nice and generous that other women would offer their dh's sperm. I would never have thought about that. I haven't made friends or kept in contact with old friends during my marriage, so now spending some time re-connecting with old friends.
So I feel for anyone TTC but I've never been there. Longed and planned for a second but never actually tried.
girlspn-you can have a private donor sign a contract (you'll find one/some examples in Mikki's book at the end I think) stating your intentions & expectations whatever those may be. Personally, my ideal is to have the donor waive his parental right, but still be loosely/peripherally involved so the child grows up knowing/having a relationship with their father.
Lots of people choose to wait until they're pregnant to make the announcement. I just find that I talk about it w/folks when it comes up & I didn't want to get to the point of forgetting who I'd told & who I hadn't and have some people not hear about it straight from me and be bummed or not have correct info, etc.
Famermomma-you are lucky indeed. Not having to TTC would be sooooo awesome!
I'm the opposite of you prescottchels regarding donor sperm-- I don't want any involvement on the father side at all. I worry it would cause conflicts, especially if that person has a family.
FarmerMomma, you are lucky.. I was only 26 when struggling with TTC. Part of the reason I don't want to wait too long and just get started.
No two SMC's are exactly alike While I do want full say over how I raise my child w/o interference from the father I would welcome contact even from the father's extended family. So long as they weren't angling to get the donor & I together as a cohesive family unit. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and both remarried so I had lots of extended family growing up and I really valued that along with the family I've created in the town in which I live which is 2 big states away from most of my blood family. For me it's important to have as many meaningful family type connections as possible. You can never have too much support raising a kiddo as a solo parent.
Do you think it's possible that the father (and his family) of the child would be okay at having no say at all? I wonder about that when thinking about the guy friend I'm thinking about. Although I do hear you about the support as a solo parent.
I've been browsing thru donors at cyrobank.... it feels a little strange choosing a 'father' like this. I mentioned this to a friend and she said, just find a guy for his sperm.
The only experience I have is through what I've read of other people's experiences lol and some guys truly do just want to help a woman have a child w/o being involved and/or they want their genes out there in the world w/o the responsibility of raising a child themselves.
Soooo many people over the years have told me to just go down to the bar and find a good upstanding looking guy and hook up, but there can be a lot of ramifications going down that path... and they just don't think before they say stuff like that.... really they just don't know what they're saying.
You're right.. I don't think a person can understand unless they are in the situation or really think about it. The more I think about it, the more I think donor sperm is the better way (barring cost), because the donor and sperm has been screened.
I've been browsing through donor profiles, and I'm learning a few things about myself. I started this without a clue even what race the donor should be (my dd is biracial). Interestingly, certain characteristics appeal to me more than others-- things that never even occurred to me before seeing these details in the profiles.
Do you chart your cycles and know when you ovulate?
I thought about physical characteristics a lot too. I really want a child that's more likely to have similar traits to me since I'll be a solo parent. So when I was searching the sperm banks I was scouring them for donors w/similar hair & eye color to me, which interestingly enough were few & far between!
I did chart my cycles for probably a solid year maybe 2 and it provided good insight so that I could figure averages because there was some variation every now & then to cycle length & O day. There's a great tool that can help as well & they have a free version, though the paid is better of course, but the free one is still nifty. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/
I also bought a big pack of ovulation predictor sticks on Amazon for cheap, but I think just knowing the span of days that were most likely to be fertile based on counting it out and also the physical signs that my body exhibts were/are predictor enough.
I'm sure your child would look somewhat like you no matter what. My daughter is mixed, and some people says she takes after me (some people says she looks nothing like me). Because of this, anything goes, although I lean towards darker skin tone.. my family has great preference for fair skin and I don't want my dd to feel inferior to a light-skinned sibling.
I have to get back to charting again.. I was doing so when I got my first ppaf, then this whole divorce issue came up and I stopped.
It seems I'd need to find a physician no matter what. The island where I live don't deliver to residential addresses, only PO Boxes. Another alternative is to take a few weeks off and stay at my sister's in a city with access to clinics that would be SMC-friendly.... I read IUI has much higher chance than at-home insemination.
This is getting complicated..
My 24 month old dd is getting to be a handful lately, making me wonder why I want another kid...
The known donor route would be better, but I don't have anyone right now. The couple of guys who would likely be okay live overseas. Another thing is I live in such a small community, everyone would know about it, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I'm planning to contact an infertility clinic that's 30-minute flight away and see if there are any options there. They do AI w/ donor sperm from the mainland.
The potential legal issues that from using a known donor is scary to me. I'm jaded from my impending divorce. I never thought my husband would make the demands that he did, but he did. Open identity donors would be the best choice..
Now I need to choose a donor, decide on the method and when to start. I've got some business trips lined up next year until early July, then free for the rest of the year, so ttc would be a priority. My dd will be 3 years old next June, so the timing is ok. I couldn't have considered another child on my own just 6 months ago when dd was so attached to me.
At first I was daunted my the potential costs of using a sperm bank, IUI, IVF... but now when I consider what my marriage and divorce cost me, a few cycles of IVF is nothing in comparison. Now I'm thinking about IVF procedure because of the higher success rate, and then freezing extra embryos for future use. This way any subsequent children would have the same father? Is that thinking too far down the line? Egg quality would also be better now than later...
I did an egg donation back in 2005, so am familiar with the process. That donation resulted in OHSS, though. The result was 22 eggs for the couple.
Just thinking aloud here..