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Single Mamas By Choice - Page 3

post #41 of 233
Thread Starter 

It's understandable that you'd be a little jaded considering the divorce... I haven't been through that so it's different for me. And no, I don't think it's a bad idea to look down the road and have a plan in place for future sibs. I'd prefer my children to be full siblings as well so if you can do what it takes to make that happen I'd say go for it!

You've come a long way in the past few weeks! Sounds like you're in a better place and learning lots-Congrats!!

post #42 of 233

Reading about other women's experiences have been very inspiring. Now that I know I can do this on my own, I no longer feel sadness or envy when I see pregnant women or other couples with babies. It used to be kind of hard. 


Yesterday, I told my sister about my divorce and my main regret was I wasn't/wouldn't be able to have another child. Her immediate response was 'well, now you have to find another dude to marry'.


I told her about SMC, and she was silent for a bit, and then she said, 'some people believe the definition of a family is a father, mother, and kids'. 


My family lives in Hong Kong, and it's not legal for single women or same-sex couples to do ART. The divorce laws make getting a divorce difficult I feel so lucky I'm a resident elsewhere. 

Edited by girlspn - 12/23/13 at 2:08pm
post #43 of 233

Hi SMC thread!  I'm once again going down the path of TTC on my own.  (have never been successful, so this is still for #1).  I'm trying IVF with an anonymous donor from a sperm bank.  I've had serious conversations with a few friends about being known donors, but none of us wanted the emotional complications. I know it works well for others, but it won't work in our case.  They are instead just going to be good friends and uncles.


Anyway, I wanted to say hi and wish you all well in your journeys!

post #44 of 233
Hi welcome Irex99. Anonymous donor makes a lot of sense to me. It would have to be just the right situation for a known donor. The reason I'm most interested in a known donor is that I already have children that know their father. The donor I would use already has children as well so he knows what he is getting into emotionally as well. Anyway welcome if you have any questions to work through this is a great place to do it.
post #45 of 233
Thread Starter 

Welcome Irex!!
Do you have your donor selected and an IVF date set yet?

post #46 of 233

Thanks, FarmerMomma and Presottchels! The RE is going to jump start my period in January (I'm guessing it won't start before then) and will be starting the IVF process when AF comes.  I picked my donor from a cryobank and ordered my two vials already.  :)  I'm excited and impatient. 


FarmerMomma - I'm glad you found a good KD - I think if the dynamics were different with my friends it may have worked, but they want their own kids so it was complicated.  But I think I picked a good AD, so I'm happy.  And with IVF I only need two vials, so that's just a tiny cost of the whole event.


Prescottchels - sending positive vibes for your fingers crossed for a BFP.:goodvibes


Have a great weekend!

post #47 of 233

Hello lrex99! I can sense your excitement :) Hope things go well!! Please do share your experiences with IVF.  Happy holidays!

post #48 of 233

Thanks, girlspn - I am definitely excited and will share my journey.  Thanks for the greeting.  Happy Holidays!

post #49 of 233
Should I ask my ex husband if he wants to be the donor? Or would that be too complicated? We still live together and on good terms.. I have sole legal custody of our dd because he is moving out of the country soon. It would be nice if my dd's sibling had the same dad.

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post #50 of 233
Thread Starter 

girlspn-at first thought it makes me cringe, but if you and ex-dh are on good terms it's not the worst idea I've ever heard by a long shot lol you would just need to make a contract up stating expectations/responsibilities for the new baby & know that if you're in the US having sex to create a baby does have legal ramifications for both parents. As in should you apply for state assistance like food stamps or health insurance they'll want to know who the father is and make sure that he is paying child support in order for you to continue your application for benefits, AND the father can petition the court for custody and/or visitation at any time. BUT if you conceive a child via artificial insemination (even if you do it yourself at home) the govt can't make the "father" pay child support, nor is it likely that custody will be granted. And it's not til after the child is born that the father can legally terminate his parental right even if you both sign a contract stating that fact during pregnancy. 
So all that to say, only you know your relationship and if you can anticipate any of these issues arising in the future... 

post #51 of 233

prescottchels, thanks for all that info!!! I will give it more thought... I guess the only benefit of my ex husband being a donor is that I know his health history. Other than that, all the same legal issues as any known donor.. 


I found a fertility doctor on my island!!! SO excited that I can potentially do this without flying. I just had my 3rd post partum period and the 2nd cycle was 31 days. Pretty sure I ovulate. I'm hoping to be able to start TTC in March... 

post #52 of 233
girlspn, I'm not opposed to creating nontraditional/complicated families--with love and intention. My KD is a close friend, and the plan is that, even though we won't be co-parenting and he lives quite far away from me, if/when I have a baby, he'll go by Dad and have a relationship with the kid (more than "Uncle J"). We've even discussed the possibility that he'd take the kid if something happened to me.

That said, the complication I see in asking your ex to be a donor is that if he has a "dad" relationship with your dd (even if it will be long-distance, since you said he's moving out of the country), but wouldn't have one with your new baby and would be just "the donor," that seems like a pretty hard thing to explain to your two kids. I think your second kid might feel really hurt and have trouble understanding/accepting the different role your ex had with him/her than with your dd when they are both biologically his.
post #53 of 233
Thread Starter 

girlspn-the other nice thing about using ex-dh as donor would be having full siblings...

And what fillefantome brings up is an interesting thing to ponder & have a conversation about for sure! 

Welcome fillefantome!! 

post #54 of 233

fillefantonie-- that is a good point, thank you. He would only be seeing us 1-2x a year at most. Although if something happened to me, I would want the kid(s) to go to their grandparents on my side.. 


For those of you who have/will have kids via donor sperm, why did you choose this over adoption? I recently discussed having another child with my sister, and she asked me why I don't consider adoption. 

post #55 of 233

Good to see a SMC thread going! It's hard to find "single parent" threads that aren't full of regrets and woes and anger about exes!


I created my dd (6) with donor sperm (IUI)--She's got 13 donor sibs so far that have registered on the DSR...it's been a great resource, and so much fun to meet the other kids.


If I were a bit younger and flush with cash, I would have gone completely octomom with more of them....but alas, raising kids alone is a little tricky! Doable, but oh-so-tricky!


For those who are considering anonymous sperm--in the ART world this is becoming and less and less okay. Lots of recent research about the well-being of the kiddos suggests using open ID donors is the way to go. A couple of months after my daughter was born I ran across those recommendations, and was like "oh yeah. crap. hadn't really considered that ", but then our anon. donor revealed himself and so I'm off the hook! Whew!

post #56 of 233
Originally Posted by girlspn View Post


For those of you who have/will have kids via donor sperm, why did you choose this over adoption? I recently discussed having another child with my sister, and she asked me why I don't consider adoption. 

I wanted the experience of growing one myself. It was a piece of life I'd always looked forward to.

post #57 of 233
Thread Starter 

Welcome lanamommyphd!!! So fun to have newcomers to our lil group!

girlspn I have considered adoption quite a lot, actually, even before I decided to be a SMC, but circumstances as well as the money have never been quite right. I've always had housemates or lived in such small places I'd never pass a home study for starters.... and I think I'll do it one of these days, BUT I also really want the experience of being pregnant & giving birth. 

post #58 of 233

Hi lanamommyphd! Thanks for that insight about anon vs open donor sperm. The donors I'm considering are only anonymous... I will have to think harder about this and widen my search. 


prescottchels, I also wanted to adopt previously when we were having trouble conceiving. But my ex was very against it so I never thought about it again. I do think part of my strong bond with my dd is the pregnancy, so I hope to conceive a sibling for her.  


I booked an appointment at a fertility clinic next Tuesday! I'm glad a clinic exists... it's new and their website isn't even up yet. I hope the doctor will be okay with SMC... 

post #59 of 233
Visited the fertility clinic today, and the doctor was super nice. IUI is also surprisingly inexpensive, so I will start with that. The issue now is the logistics of getting the sperm shipped here in time. My next cycle will probably start end of Jan, so potentially mid-February for the IUI. I'm currently looking at California Cyrobank. So happy that I can finally take steps to add to my family.

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post #60 of 233
Thread Starter 

girlspn-so glad to hear things are progressing so smoothly! fingersx.gif

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