Do I need to tell my ex husband about this? Or just inform him later when pregnant?
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Edited by girlspn - 1/14/14 at 11:11pm
Yes, we are officially divorced. I waited for the decree to be granted before going to the clinic. He expects us to continue as a family unit, but I'm starting to see this can be unrealistic when I have another child, just because the expenses to travel to see him would be high. And anyway, if he wants to see his daughter, he should be the one visiting. But I don't say all this because I still need to him to sign the papers adding my last name to my daughter's..
On the TTC side-- California Cryobank does not ship to my location.. boo. Their customer service on the phone was not helpful at all. So, considering Fairfax now. Trying to decide how many vials I would need. My first choice donor is anonymous though. Weighing the pros and cons on that. I've decided to select a donor that would result in the same racial mix as my daughter. And if I can get pregnant quickly enough, most people would assume they have the same father, and I can avoid a lot of awkward questions for awhile. Is this cowardly?
I told my 2nd sister last night about the divorce and my decision to have another child (my 1st sister advised me to tell our siblings). She was very skeptical and thinks I should give this more time. In talking things out I am very clear on 2 points: 1. I want another child; 2. I don't want to find a man just for a child; 3. I don't want to have too large a gap between dd and next child. My dd is already 2 years 7 months old.
From our conversation though, I was thinking-- how does one know when one is ready to conceive? At what point did you ladies decide-- it's now time?
prescottchels, how's the TTC going??
lol no, I don't think you're being cowardly at all! You'll have enough on your plate w/2 LO's, you don't need nosy people bugging you about how you conceived and with whom if it's something you'd rather keep to yourself for a while.
Sounds like you're pretty clear about what you want & that you want it now, and it doesn't really matter if that doesn't fit into the cultural norms, or culturally accepted time frames, ya know?
I would want my kids pretty close together too. I think they have a better chance of being good friends & being able to play together rather than having a 4 or more year span, which I know many people advocate for so that the older one can be your helper and/or be more independent so you have more freedom to care for the baby... But I think then they wouldn't be close friends until they're much older and can see eye to eye on things and not have it be all about the older one tattling on the younger one for stealing or breaking toys or destroying their room or what have you...
As for me...I haven't started TTC again, still kind of waffling about how & w/whom I want to go about it.... One of my SMC friends in real life has a gorgeous baby and his dad is coming back to town, perhaps for good so she & I have been talking about me using him, and she & the donor dad have talked about it too and it seems like everyone is pretty cool w/the idea, though he & I haven't talked directly lol I like the idea of using him cuz he's proven his genes & his swimmers and he's not attached to parenting, but he is fine w/the kid knowing who he is so it all sounds pretty great to me. We'll see how it goes when he & I actually meet. I think he's planning to come back next month... In the mean time I've been hit w/the motivation bug to finally finish remodeling my home office so I've been working on that lots. Got the walls textured yesterday and am nearly finished painting a bookshelf I got second hand, and I'm also repainting 2 sets of track lights that I was gifted. They're black and I wanted white so out came the spray paint tonight
I'm envious you have (potential) known donors and other SMC friends. I realized recently that I have made almost no friends since I got married, now trying to reconnect with people. I also think it would be awesome for your kid if things work out with this donor. Are you charting every month?
The siblings age gap is a big deal for me. I have 4 siblings. My brother and I are 18 months apart and we basically grew up together so share a close bond. I can talk to him about anything even though he judges me, lol. My sisters are 4, 5, and 9 years younger. Only in the recent five years I became closer to the first sister, after we both finished college, because she's more mature. I'm somewhat distant from my youngest sister.. she didn't start high school yet by the time I finished college. I was quite mean to them our formative years except my bro. I really value our sibling bond and hope my daughter can have siblings too, even though of course there's no guarantee they'd be close.
Sounds like it's high time to rebuild your network! You're gonna need it!!
I'm not charting...I did several years ago and it taught me a lot about my physical signs/symptoms of fertility so I don't bother with it now. For a long while my work schedule varied quite a bit from day to day so temping at the same time every morning was virtually impossible so I didn't worry about it. Now, my days are more consistent but I don't feel like it'd be that valuable... I have OPK's if I wanted to use them, but I haven't found those to be terribly useful so I'll probably just try to insem several times in the days leading up to my typical O day.
Another important sibling factor that I think about is that being an only child myself it'll land on me and only me (since she isn't married)-the care for my mom when she's old & no longer able to care for herself, which I don't relish the thought of... we have always kind of driven each other crazy so taking her in as she has done w/her father is rather out of the question unless she gets a personality replacement at some point lol But if there were 2 of us perhaps the other child would be closer w/her and would be willing to take on the main responsibility w/me in a supporting role...
It's nice you can inseminate several times with a known donor. I'm now trying to decide how many vials to order from the sperm bank. It's rather tricky. The shipping to my isolated location is almost $800-- that's even more than 1 vial of sperm! My physician said we only need 1 vial per cycle, and suggested purchasing 2 vials, so we have a second one without paying for shipping, and they can store the extra vial for me in case we succeed the first time. His method is natural cycle using opk and ultrasound, trigger, then IUI.
With that shipping cost and the deposit, I can only afford 2 vials max anyway at one time... I need to decide by next week because there may be custom delays.
If you can handle more than 1 child, definitely let your kids have siblings! I'm much closer to my siblings than my parents.. even though we fought a lot we're really close now as adults. I've heard the same from other siblings, the closeness becomes valuable in adulthood, when it's much harder to make close friends.
I'm recently discovering the island that I live on has many single mothers. Teenage pregnancy is very common here, but many have good support from their families. My friend just laughed at me when I was worrying about being a single mom prior to my divorce. She said, on this island, it's a shocker if you have no kids.
I think 2 vials is a good way to start. It's pretty common to start there.
Sounds like you'll have plenty of opportunities to meet up w/other single mommies! Yay!! When I was a nanny I met lots of great moms & their kiddos at parks and at the library for story time and we got to be good friends & would connect outside of those pre-arranged gatherings for hikes or play dates-you just gotta go where the moms hang out and start chatting
Thanks for all those meet up ideas! Luckily, my dd's toddler program has a lot of opportunities for gatherings. I also need to start looking for help or daycare..
I decided on the donor and ordered the sperm yesterday. Excited! I used Fairfax and the profiles aren't detailed like California Cryobank's... but oh well. I liked my donor anyway.
Talked to my cousin yesterday and SMC came up in conversation. She said she was proud of me for moving on from my divorce. She also mentioned to me to make arrangements for my kid(s), should anything happen to me, they should go to my family. How does a single mother deal with that? How can you make sure your kids go to next of kin (not your ex husband)?
Congrats on getting your sperm ordered! That is so awesome
You'd probably want to chat w/whomever you'd choose to raise your kids in case something happens to you to make sure they're up for the task and then you draw up a will naming that person(s) as the guardian of the children. Also you'll want to think about getting a life insurance policy that would either help the guardian raise the kids or they could choose to save it for them for college or put it in a trust until the kids reach a certain age.
girlspn-don't you have full custody of your child w/ex-dh? That would make me think you could name someone other than him in case of something happening to you. If you didn't name someone in a will, ex-dh would probably automatically get the child unless someone else in the family fought for the child & was deemed more appropriate.
Thanks ladies-- I will consult a lawyer about this. I do have full custody. I know my ex-h would not agree to my family raising his child even though he does not want the expense of raising a child. Fortunately for me, my family loves dd, especially her grandfather. I'm not sure about future children with no legitimate father though... just have to wait and see. People change remarkably once they actually see and interact with the baby.
I was so calm the whole time I was searching sperm banks, googling SMC, reading forums... and now that the sperm is here, I'm kinda scared! Downloaded Jane Mattes's book Single Mothers by Choice... just reading about other women's experiences and thought process is reassuring. I actually know a lot ofsingle mothers, and there's no stigma attached to being a single mother here. But all of those single mothers got pregnant with ex-bfs/husbands, not necessarily by choice.
Anyway, I'm just a little anxious. I don't want to invest energy into finding a man, so I have no choice, lol. I really want to tell my dad upfront, so it doesn't become some shameful secret but a life decision I made. Trying to figure out how to do that..
Just keep breathing... anxiety & fear is usually just excitement w/o the breath! Journaling helps.
I sent my parents each a little card that I made that said congratulations you're going to be a grandparent in the not too distant future (or something along those lines lol) w/a note explaining that I was planning to be a SMC blah blah... and asking for their support and that if they had anything negative to say about to please share it with someone else, not me. You can do this!! You already are