DCMama - I'm a big fan of the book the Secret of Parenting by Anthony Wolf. It's really all about how you actually have the power to get your kids to do what you need them to do with, really, just your will alone.
Example: Me: "OK, it's time to brush out teeth."
Kid: "NO!" runs away
Me: Deep breath/sigh. Walks after kid and stands there staring at them with the raised eyebrow look. And, I stare and stare and stare. I say nothing.
Kid: Ranting or sulking or whatever... "I don't want to... "
Me: "I know you don't want to brush your teeth. I know you want the day to be over. I know you want to .... " It's great if they'll get in your lap at this point for a hug, but sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. No big deal either way. "I wish we could just play and play and play all day. I wish I could just sit here all day with you in my lap."
Me: "I know honey. Let's get our teeth brushed real fast so we have more time to read books."
I'm telling you it works.
This is essentially what I do with my 9 month old (with far less words at this stage, however)...a typical diaper change will consist of me taking her to have her diaper change, her melting down and crying, me patting her and telling her I know she doesn't like diaper changes, but she'll feel better afterwards, and then a diaper change.
I totally agree with these posts that being able to receive correction is SUCH a huge part of life...it's definitely a trait I not only want my dd to have but to embrace.
Jumping back into this discussion. Im seeing the words "shame" and "withholding love" popping up an awful lot here, and I'm extremely curious where any of you are getting this from? Has anyone even read the responses from those of us who use time outs?
I feel like there may be a picture in some commenters heads of a child, over or under stimulated and acting out, bawling as his mother drags him by the arm into a corner and shouting at him to stay put for fifteen minutes. I haven't seen a single one of us discuss that as an option. Everyone on earth gets to the point where we need a moment to breathe. Where we're grumpy and can't be reasoned with. In my house, when we get like that (every single one of us, with the exception of the resident newborn of course) we go off somewhere quiet and gather our thoughts for a moment so we can come back and be more receptive to talking it out. Our daughter suggests time outs more than her father and I combined.
Could someone PLEASE explain to me where the shame and withholding love lies in there?
I'm wondering this same thing. I've read all of the posts on this thread...it doesn't sound like ANYONE does a time out like this. It's more of a cool off, let's take some space and breathe and calm down. My daughter is only 9 months old right now so I put *myself* in time out...I'll give her to her daddy and take a quick walk, or just go to another room for a few minutes and calm down...it seems totally healthy and seems like a good thing to teach my children. If there were ever a situation where my love is what would remedy the problem, then sure, I would give my child the love they are asking for. But if we just need some space, I don't consider that withholding my love. I think people are picturing some kind of very strict, super nanny, "Sit here for x minutes until you can tell me why what you did was wrong" sort of thing, and it doesn't sound like that's the method anyone here is utilizing.
Also, I had timeouts as a child (I was also spanked...I much preferred time outs) and NEVER felt like love was being withheld from me. I'm an introvert, I need some space sometimes to calm down.