hi ,i once posted after my c-birth at the thread treelove(or ladylee maybe?) started a while back, but i was in a very different place about my situation then. i hope nobody minds, but i really need my story to be heard in its entirety, the way it is meant to be told. i have often abbreviated it to people and for some reason feel like i need to get it out fully in order to let go one step further. ( often i feel like i'm totally healed from this, but then something pops up, so here i am!)
well, some background...i was all for natural childbirth, took ultimate care of myself in pregnancy, did yoga and perineal massage and took red raspberry and read like a fanatic and was sooooooooo prepared to give birth in a hospital with the midwife i chose and felt really happy and comfortable with.
until, that is, i was a week late and she started saying "induce". there was major tension between us. i was saying, no way will i take any drugs. next thing you know, she's examining me, and without asking, she "stirs things up" between my cervix and the baby...extremely painful. then, "oops---i may have accidentally broken your water!" i sat up. she says, well, i'm not sure. if it has been broken, then i want you to come to the hospital later to be induced! i of course, opposed, and she offered me my alternative, drink castor oil. well, i am a very sensitive woman to begin with, and believe me, at this point i was just all over the place emotionally. i had no idea what to do. dh and i left her office, and i felt strongly that i had started labor. we decided on the way home to stop at the co-op for some castor oil just in case. we were supposed to call her after a few hours to let her know if i was leaking water or not and what we were doing.
i was so confused. we trusted our midwife. and here's possibly the saddest part of the day, which imo led to my demise. i had the voice in my head saying loudly, "don't drink it. just let this labor progress." and i said it to dh, who said back, "kim said it was ok. we trust her. it's kim!" and i said yeah, ok, make me my yummy castor oil milkshake. to me it was a better alternative than some nasty drug.
well, within the hour i ran to the bathroom to begin letting every last drop of energy i had out of me. i just kept squeaking, this is so strong, we gotta call her. she said to come to her office ( not the hospital). she checked me and i was only 3cm. she basically lectured me and said if you want to go natural, you have to go home and learn how to breathe. so i did. we got home, i labored in the bathtub for 3 hrs( i only thought it was an hour, that's how out of it i was) with dh rubbing my back. i maybe talked one or two times the rest of the day. we left for the hospital and when we got checked in i was at 6cm. after some monitoring and the nurse asking annoying questions which caused my midwife to snap at her, i got to labor in the shower while they filled the tub. so i got in the tub and just floated there, hanging on to dh. all the while we were waiting for my mom, my absolute best female friend. she comes in quietly, unnoticed by me, and says quietly, "hey sarah, i'm here..." kim lashes out, "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" tension builder # 1. after some time they wanted to check me and the baby and this is when i was at a n 8, so close. got back in the tub for a while. f elt the urge to push, and they said, go ahead if you feel like it. i had no one check my dilation. after some time, they wanted to see how things were going. on the bed, my water broke and there was meconium everywhere. they strapped on the monitors and put a monitor in my poor baby's scalp. i absolutely could not handle being strapped in bed. they found that my cervix had not been fully dilated, i was pushin g and swelling my cervix smaller and smaller , to a 4. i was in the most amount of pain at this point. my entire labor from the time i drank that castor oil was nonstop hard labor. i mean, i couldn't tell what was a contraction and what wasn't. i had no energy, no coaching from my midwife, and this is about when she said c-sec. i immediately gave in, b/c according to my midwife the positioning of the baby was the reason she wouldn't come out vaginally, + meconium. my poor mom was out of the room during this discussion calling my dad, and when she asked what was going on kim again snapped, "c-section!"
well, they left me for about a 1/2 hour after telling me this. i was literally screaming, involuntarily pushing the whole time. finally, they got me in there, gave me a spinal, and started cutting me open only to realize that dh wasn'tn in the room. i said, where's iggy? to kim and there was all this shuffling as if they had forgotten him. after she was born i saw her for about a second, and then told iggy to sure, show her to the grandmas. well i was alone for so long. i regretted saying that to him so much.
i ended up with a spinal headache a few days later. it was awful. i was so depressed after the birth and really tried to tell myself it was all for the best, when i knew with better care from a midwife and coaching to get into other positions i could've pushed my ava out. this was not the beautiful birthing experience i had alway s imagined, soooo far from it.
it has been a long journey for me, and i really feel at peace now that i can talk about it more with my dh ( he didn't understand my feelings at first) and that i know i am probably perfectly capable of delivering a baby in the future. ...and if i did have another c-birth, i would know how to plan it so that it wouldn't be so traumatic. i am still waiting on my records so that i can read exactly what was said about the reasons for the section, but feel very strongly about becoming active in cesarean awareness and avoiding it at all costs!
thank you for listening if you've made it this far! i feel better already.
i just wanted to add that i am truly touched by all of your stories and this thread and appreciate you sharing them and discussing. places like this really provide a safe-haven for mommas like me who have been through a tough time. ...sorry for the sappiness