Henry's_Mamma: Your entire post could have been written by me (except not as well
)!! Exactly - I KNEW going in that I would need to depend on DH to "talk me out of" interventions and to be an advocate for ME! I also wanted my sister (a doula) to be there - DH didn't, he thought he'd be "pushed off to the side". Well, he didn't do much but take up space, anyway!
I HAVE tried to talk to DH about my anger and resentment toward his behavior at DS' birth - several times. The first time was a month or two after the birth, and I was VERY emotional about it. I had been feeling (much like you) that he didn't care that Will was a c/s - he was here and everyone was healthy, so I should "just get over it" (in fact, he used those exact words
). I think, at that time, that I DID want to hurt him - I was hurt, and I wanted him to share that w/me. It didn't work - he kind of brushed everything off as being due to "hormones, or that PPD thing". I was perhaps more emotional than would have been best for trying to get my point across, as all we did was end up fighting.
Recently, I have approached DH about this again. I've really been trying to heal from the birth mentally, and thought it would be helpful to me to get my thoughts OUT of my head and try to release them. I thought more about it before I approached DH this time, and tried to focus on how *I* felt betrayed, let down, resentful, etc. I also tried to set the stage by stating that I was angry w/myself as well for allowing the whole mess to escalate, and that in my "soul-searching" I had realized that the fault wasn't ALL mine. I made sure to say that I wasn't trying to put the fault all on DH, either, but that he DID share some of the fault.
That attempt wasn't much better (although I congratulate myself on NOT trying to be hurtful, just trying to have a discussion). DH got defensive again and I tried to be understanding of that. I actually thought about it a lot before I started talking to DH and made some notes for me to refer to, trying to keep myself focused on my objective (at that point, trying to get DH to understand that I was/am HURTING). DH just doesn't seem able to comprehend how much this hurts me (and, I am assuming, you). I don't know if this is a typical guy thing or not, but I do know that DH has some interaction issues (adult child of alcoholics - many other communication problems).
I am planning on talking more about this w/DH, but I'm not sure what more I can SAY. I have already told him that I WILL be having a doula (preferably my sister) present - as far as I am concerned, he HAD his chance and blew it. We WILL have a doula for the next birth, and depending on his behavior/actions then, we will discuss going w/out a doula for future births. (I should say that I told him this in a nicer way, but I didn't leave any room for doubt - he bears a HUGE responsibility in the c/s, and I'm not willing to take the chance of being unsupported again).
I think that before I talk to DH again, I will be VERY clear in my mind what I need to "get back" from him and the conversation, and will try to think about what I will do if I don't get those things. I want him to show some concern about the fact that Will was a c/s - if he can't really be concerned about that, then at least show some concern that it bothers me! I want him to take SOME responsibility for bailing on me during my labor (like your DH, I think he thought I would be perfectly capable of directing him while laboring
though we had discussed ad nauseum the fact that I would NOT be ). I want him to make a commitment to protecting me from interventions and questioning "procedure", no matter how innocent it sounds. I also want him to be much more involved in preparing for the birth - taking classes, reading books, practicing pain relief techniques with me.
I don't know what will come of future discussions. I HOPE that after seeing how much Will's c/s has torn me up, DH will try to avoid that in the future (if only so that he doesn't have to deal w/a VERY angry wife
((Amy)) I know what you're going through, and it's not a fun place to be. I hope this helps, if only to know that you're not alone. If you want, feel free to PM me. I've been distracted as I typed this, so it may not be very cohesive. Sorry!