My children are ages 14 and 9. It's been a long time since I have been on these boards. When I had my last son, I did not imagine myself having anymore children. Well, here I am. I am divorced and have been in a new relationship for years. We are trying to have one of our own. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, but am pregnant again and in general feel more positive about this one and feel like it is going to stick.
All that said....
My two pregnancies were both vaginal deliveries. I never took any prenatal classes or anything. First one, 22 hours of labor, some IV pain meds, a lot of pushing and general misery because I was medicated and tired. Ended up with two black eyes and broken blood vessels in my eyes from pushing "wrong." The midwife and nurses told me that I "pushed with my face." It took a couple weeks for my face to go back to normal but whatever.
Second pregnancy, I wanted to do all natural. I was dealing with some personal issues related to substance abuse and I wanted to do it all natural as a way to feel like I was more powerful than my history of addiction. I did a lot of psychological work around that. Delivery time....9 hours, all natural. Intense. But I did it medication/epidural free.
The only things though...I "pushed with my face" again. Even worse than the first time. I had black eyes, broken blood vessels both eyes (they were both totally blood red at the whites) and broken blood vessels all over my face and neck and chest! It was horrible. It took a month to clear up! I felt like a failure in that aspect of delivery, like I don't know what I am doing. It messed with my head and I didn't want to deal with everyone staring at me like I had been assaulted.
Basically, I don't want to do it "wrong" again and end up like that again. I am afraid of pushing again. Granted, since that time, I have done some other psychological work around some sexual trauma and I feel like I was "holding back" with both of those deliveries due to that trauma. I feel like I am in a much better psychological place this time. But I am still afraid. In some moments, I entertain the idea of asking for a c-section though I have NO reason to think that is a good idea except for the idea that I am afraid I will still hold back and my head will explode this time or something (kidding, lol, but you KWIM). I am just...scared of pushing again.
Anyone have any input? I want to get a doula this time, which I haven't had in the past. I am thinking of going with a whole new midwife team because I didn't like the one that delivered me last time. Though I have stayed with the practice for annual GYN visits, I am thinking that if it came down to having that midwife be the one who delivers me next time, I am starting out labor in a bad mental place.
Ugh. Sorry for the length of this.