or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › Breaking the news that a favorite family doesn't want to be friends
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Breaking the news that a favorite family doesn't want to be friends

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 

Today I received a phone call from the family down the street.  To sum it up the mother feels our families aren't good fits for each other.  We're too liberal in our beliefs for them, and the older children don't like my son.

 

I felt like I was back in middle school and I cried for a while.  I thought we were actually really good friends, so this was a big shock for me.

 

I don't know how to explain this to my son.  He's 5 and asks nearly every other day to play at their house.  He's also very sensitive and feels rejection rather harshly.  I will tell him the truth, I just don't know the softest way to go about it.  Any advice will be much appreciated.

post #2 of 27

Something similar happened to us once. I didn't really explain anything to my son because I just couldn't figure out how to have it make sense to him. I just went about our business without getting together with the other family anymore. AFter a bit, he stopped asking, as there were other friends around. It's hard and feels like a slap in the face. I have a hard time understanding how folks can be so righteous about their beliefs that they'd hurt someone else over them. 

post #3 of 27
Thread Starter 

Thanks for your kind words.  I'm still pretty sad about the whole thing, I really like her.

post #4 of 27
Thread Starter 

I'm going to bump this to see if I can get some more ideas.

post #5 of 27

Our neighbor whose son was in the same class as dd told us that dd talks to much to her son in class. I know she's had problems with other neighbors and had a huge fight one time where she was swearing and cussing loudly in front of kids. I just didn't know if it was the truth or not and chose to believe dd who to till this day denies it. It ended up in us not talking. But I did tell dd the truth about her accusation. And I don't regret not talking because it could have been a matter of time before she verbally attacked me. Your neighbor seems as selfish as mine. Her loss not yours. When people tell you that their kids don't like your child that's bloody inconsiderate. Anyways, dd was way ahead in class. Her teacher called her a star. So, I truly belive it was not our loss. You'll realize in time it was for the best. It's just that it does hurt when such a thing happens.

post #6 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post

Today I received a phone call from the family down the street.  To sum it up the mother feels our families aren't good fits for each other.  We're too liberal in our beliefs for them, and the older children don't like my son.

Who are these people that feel its okay to be so cruel? I think you dodged a bullet with these folks. I just can't imagine calling someone up and saying something like this. It is incredibly hurtful and self righteous. YUCK.

This may not be the best advice, but depending on your son's age I might tell him that this particular mother has a problem with my beliefs and therefore doesn't want to be associated with our family. I would leave the part about his kids not liking him out of it. I just think kids have plenty of time to learn how bad the world sucks sometimes. I think there are times when it's okay to protect them from it.

I'm sorry you are hurting. <3
post #7 of 27

you know something. as harsh as it sounds - its so good to be upfront and know the boundaries. 

 

i have had to wear the boot so many times and i did not know how to do it like that other mom did. i wish i had her guts and set things straight in a kind and gentle way.

 

are you sad because your son has no one else to play with in the neighborhood?

 

no i would not tell him all either.

 

can you imagine how hard it is to do that to your own child without the parents saying anything. dd could not realise how inappropriate teh other kids were being. she heroworshipped the other child. 

 

what i did was get uber busy - if that is an option for you seeing you have another little one. be out of the house and plan other things - so that dd broke the habit of going over to play. 

post #8 of 27

At age 5, I would just keep him busy. When he asks to see neighbor kids, that 's when you start acting excited and throwing around big ideas, "let's make play-doh, or bake, or go to the park, etc..." We've been on the receiving end of that before, last week even. My neighbor also doesn't approve of my household and her DD and my DD1 are now only allowed to see each other in their driveway under the mom's supervision. eyesroll.gif It's their loss because we are an awesome family and DD1 is an amazing kid. Honestly it is for the better, life is too short to be around people who truly don't want you around. In our particular case, neighbor child is the one losing out because DD1 has plenty of our friends and isn't going to be bothered to deal with a limited friendship but neighbor child now is the walking by our house staring longingly inside. 

post #9 of 27
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I wasn't going to tell him that the other children didn't like him, but I feel like it's dishonest to not tell him that we're not welcome there anymore.

 

We have other friends to play with, and school is starting soon, so that should help keep him mind off it.  I'm sure it's not something I have to tell him right away, so I can play it by ear.

 

I'm sorry this is really rambling, it's late and I'm quite tired.

post #10 of 27

I totally wouldn't tell him.  I would just say they're busy and hard to arrange something with.  No need to pass that lady's cruelty on to your five year old.  And try to let it go yourself - those people sound like jerks.  When I've wanted to break off a friendship, I've never felt the need to tell the person I don't like them!  It's totally possible to just let the friendship die out without being cruel.

post #11 of 27
Thread Starter 

Naw, I'd rather know upfront.  And she didn't say she didn't like me, I think it's more to the fact that there's the feeling of somehow "protecting their family" from our liberal views.

post #12 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post

Naw, I'd rather know upfront.  And she didn't say she didn't like me, I think it's more to the fact that there's the feeling of somehow "protecting their family" from our liberal views.

Ugh. Well I don't blame her because everyone knows liberals are contagious. (Being sarcastic!)

I guess if you can't be around anyone from the "other side" then maybe you're not that confident in your own side. Her loss!!
post #13 of 27
Wow, I really do think she was rude to do that, although I can see that you might rather know than wonder. I definitely wouldn't talk to him about it, either. It's rejection, and for reasons he most likely can't understand. And it's hurtful, no matter how old you are. I'm sorry she did that greensad.gif
post #14 of 27
Thread Starter 

Jenny, sound advice.

post #15 of 27

I completely agree with this! There is no need to be *that* honest. What the other mum did, was very weird, tactless, and cruel. In my opinion friendship obliges you not to hurt the other person, even if you are wanting to get a distance to them.

 

Originally Posted by mnj77 View Post
 

I totally wouldn't tell him.  I would just say they're busy and hard to arrange something with.  No need to pass that lady's cruelty on to your five year old.  And try to let it go yourself - those people sound like jerks.  When I've wanted to break off a friendship, I've never felt the need to tell the person I don't like them!  It's totally possible to just let the friendship die out without being cruel.

post #16 of 27
We has a situation little like that and I just told my DD I didn't think the friendship was a good match for us and changed the subject. I talked about some of the feelings that led me to stop a friendship and tied it into what we wanted from a good friendship when I ended a three year friendship with a close friend and her child. It wasn't a big deal at all either time.

I would never tell my dd someone doesn't like her, that's just mean. There are tactful ways to say the friendship is over without squashing a child's self worth. The world can be a cruel place but that is something you learn about gradually as you age not when you are five and a friendship doesn't work out. Friendships at this age are so fluid anyways so I wouldn't make an issue of it.
post #17 of 27
Thread Starter 

I'm going to quote myself since I think it's getting lost:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post
 

 

I wasn't going to tell him that the other children didn't like him, but I feel like it's dishonest to not tell him that we're not welcome there anymore.

post #18 of 27

If anything, I would feel sorry for this woman. I mean she is basically admitting to you that she cannot tolerate associating with anyone whose viewpoints differ from her own. Wow, I mean what a boring and potentially lonely exsistence she will have and what a disservice she is doing for her child who will learn intolarance from her. Very sad, but she is doing you a favor. But I am sorry you feel hurt, that is never fun. :Hug

post #19 of 27

wow, can't believe this. I would be really hurt too. You have lots of good advice here, just wanted to extend some :Hug

post #20 of 27

 Im a parent who chooses/or allows them to choose,  my childs friends on the basis on their personal chemistry-does my child get on with the other child? Are they having fun? Do they like each other? On that basis alone, i  try to facilitate playdates etc.

There are parents out there that use other criteria.. i dont know what they are, one is always left to speculate, usually there is prejudice of one form or other involved. Im left to speculate that such people put their own prejudices before the best interests of their children as well.

 

Im sorry you had to endure this from one such a parent :-(

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Childhood Years
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › Breaking the news that a favorite family doesn't want to be friends