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When did you decide to leave?

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 

Hi there, 


you probably all know that this is an ongoing thread, going on for years and years and years. 

I love DH. He is cute, funny, physical, trying to please me (when he is around) sex life is good. He is a father who loves his kids, he plays with them, he makes funny things with them and spends time with them. 


but. He is not reliable at all. He says he will be there at a certain time and he won't. He won't call to tell me. He will show up at any time and be unable to comprehend why on earth I am mad at him (even if he knows he just messed up my whole planning and organisation and I didn't get my things done) Even if I get late to work because of him (It does not really matter when you show up, anyway! - his words) I learned to organize around him, but he uncaring attitude bugs me. 


He makes promises to the kids all.the.time that he won't hold. If I say: Please, no promises you cannot keep - I am the party booper. 


He does not get dangerous situation. Just today I picked up two Ritalin tablet on the floor. (But I find them anywhere all the time) - this is just an example, there are dozens more. 


I feel that the situation sucks the energy out of me, and I get short tempered with the kids because I am angry with him. I catch myself complaining about him to the kids. Like: They ask me: When will Daddy be home? And I: I don't know, he never tells, or he just does not show up, he is never on time...(And I get angry with myself for it)


We go to counseling, but they have such expert advise as: Just show up every night at nine, than you cannot be possibly do anything anyway. As in: I just do all the work, and he just comes home for a nice evening (Idea was that I would not be angry whith him than and we could have a in-home date night - yeah, right!) 


I don't know what to do. I feel trapped in this situation and cannot find a way out. I still hope he will understand one day and everything will change. I mean, he WILL understand one day, right? (isn't this stupid...?)

post #2 of 4

My situation was different in some ways - my relationship was abusive, I had no feelings for my spouse, so I didn't have some emotional ties that you have.  However, it was still scary to think of being on my own.  I had been taught for so many years that I wasn't good enough, and it was just easier to stay and put up with it, hoping it might get better.  Then I realized that no matter how I felt about leaving, my kids were in danger.  He constantly screamed at my oldest.  He put them at physical risk EVERY day - he didn't watch them enough if he was with them, he left knives etc. in reach of the toddler, the most basic things that I constantly reminded him about.  He just didn't care enough to change.  That was really hard to accept, but I realized that my kids didn't deserve this, however scared I was.  I was moody, I wasn't myself - that wasn't what I wanted them to grow up with.  I had to take my own feelings and comfort zone out of it, think about what they were living with, and go with that.  It was shocking enough to have us out of there so fast, my head is STILL spinning months later.  However, I have not had a single regret about leaving.

post #3 of 4

I think the moment that sealed the deal was when he called me selfish because he had to miss his birthday party....because I needed to stay longer than originally planned at my 26-year-old brother-in-law's funeral :( 


But it was a long time coming.  Basically it was when I realized that there was no hope and I was never going to be happy with him, and when I realized that it was not actually better for my kids to grow up thinking this was normal or okay.


My ex was similar to your some ways-I could never rely on him to show up when he was supposed to.  I had to quit a couple of jobs because he was always late or had to leave early, etc.  But he also followed that up by telling me I didn't contribute anything and I was lazy about work.


I wish I had left earlier and that the kids hadn't been exposed to so much fighting/negative energy.  In your situation..I don't know!  The medication lying around thing is NOT okay.  The lack of reliability sounds incredibly frustrating, but it is hard to gauge how bad it is by your post.  I know that I didn't feel at all valued when ex would not show up when he was supposed to or would be late without calling all the time, which turned into a much bigger issue than just him not being reliable, as I'm sure you already know.


I think the bottom line is, if he is not even trying to change, that is a red flag.  If he is truly trying and just can't quite manage it, there is still hope.  If he, like my ex, is turning everything into your fault and/or making excuses for his behavior even though he knows how much it upsets you, that's a pretty big issue and one I am glad I don't have to deal with every day any longer!

post #4 of 4

hmm my situation was different to, but for me I knew it was over after I found hidden text messages from a female coworker saved as a man's name. This was after finding out about his 18 month affair with a different coworker from his other job and after finding him on a date with yet another woman from the internet. He had physically abused me a few times in the beginning, and for me, i let that go, learned to live with him and not upset him, and dealt with abusive language for years. It was definitely the constant lieing and cheating that did me in, though he is a lot like your dh as well in that he is so unpredictable, he is a slave to $$ and work so that has and will always come first and we could never make plans and he was and is still late. He often finds a "work" reason to drop off the kids early, pick up late etc now that we are divorced. He still constantly disappoints the kids, and really 12 hours maybe 20 hours per week he has them plus one other evening overnight. In the back of my mind I think that I may just move away next year if I get a teaching job offer a few hours away. Why am I sticking around for him when he barely keeps the kids as it is? (sorry just totally t/jed)

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