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Crying: Staying with Baby or Going for Breather?

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 

I'm asking this mostly out of curiosity as my baby seems past the inexplicable crying and what's done is done there.

 

So, question:

 

I had always been told that, if a baby is crying and crying and you find yourself overwhelmed to place baby in a safe place and go calm yourself down.  However, I've seen here and several other natural family sites that one should always stay with a crying baby even if you can't find a way to soothe her.  No one wants to let a baby cry and cry, but is it ever okay to just let the baby cry while you calm yourself down?

post #2 of 23

Yes, completely okay. I see a major distinction between "cry it out" methods, where a parent doesn't repond and leaves baby to cry rather than trying to soothe, and trying to soothe, being unsuccessful, and taking a breather to recollect. If there is no one else to watch baby and you are feeling overwhelmed, I think you absolutely have to sometimes place baby in a safe spot and go somewhere you can't hear the cry, even if that means you need to take a shower or in some other way drown out the noise. Not only is this helpful to you, it is also helpful to your little one - if you are overwhelmed your baby is going to be picking up that stress as well.

post #3 of 23
I agree with above poster. There will be times when it doesnt matter what you do..they will keep crying. I do not lie here when I say..there have been moments where ive had less than AP thoughts. We are human and sometimes we reach the end of our ropes for that particular situation. Go calm yourself down and come back with better composure. I do think that even infants can feel negative energy and that in itself would not help with the situation at hand.
post #4 of 23
I'm the complete opposite I won't let my baby cry. Laundry, cooking etc can wait imho. What I do is the "put me down and I will scream test." I soothe either by breastfeeding, holding then wait till ds is happy content to be put down.

If you feel like you will hurt your baby put her/him down walk away. Call your ob ask for a referral for help. There are free services that will come to your house and help you. Best of luck I know its hard sometimes.
post #5 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lulu0910 View Post

I'm the complete opposite I won't let my baby cry. Laundry, cooking etc can wait imho. What I do is the "put me down and I will scream test." I soothe either by breastfeeding, holding then wait till ds is happy content to be put down.

If you feel like you will hurt your baby put her/him down walk away. Call your ob ask for a referral for help. There are free services that will come to your house and help you. Best of luck I know its hard sometimes.

Oh, this really isn't a problem at all as her "purple crying" or whatever you want to call it is pretty much over.  The thing was, I did have a few moments where I did as everyone recommended and put Baby down and went outside for awhile.  I thought it was normal til other places saying you NEVER EVER EVER do that and moms were pretty much bragging on how they were able to hold their temper all the way through. 

 

To me, it seems dangerous to trust yourself to fight back a temper when you feel it rising.

post #6 of 23
[quote name="Backroads

To me, it seems dangerous to trust yourself to fight back a temper when you feel it rising.
[/quote]

I know how you are feeling please bring this up with your ob or even the pediatrician. Before you act out on your anger it happened to me. I wish for myself that the first time I felt those feelings that instead of feeling ashamed. I would have sought help. Its hard to be surrounded by "perfect" moms as I perceived. Reality is no one is perfect don't try to be. Best advice Talk!!! Whenever you feel that way talk.
post #7 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Backroads View Post
 

Oh, this really isn't a problem at all as her "purple crying" or whatever you want to call it is pretty much over.  The thing was, I did have a few moments where I did as everyone recommended and put Baby down and went outside for awhile.  I thought it was normal til other places saying you NEVER EVER EVER do that and moms were pretty much bragging on how they were able to hold their temper all the way through. 

 

To me, it seems dangerous to trust yourself to fight back a temper when you feel it rising.

 Some moms are lucky enough to have a relatively easy baby and/or a high threshold for the stress of crying babies.  And some moms don't feel comfortable discussing their less than "perfect" parenting moments. 

post #8 of 23

I mean, I guess if the choices are a) hurt the child or b) take a breather than yes the obvious choices is b. 

I have 3 children, the oldest of which put me through some kind of hell before he was diagnosed with autism/adhd and insomnia. Poor baby was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. I still never felt I would hurt him though, despite 23 months of an average 3 hours sleep a night. I guess I have an ability to "turn off" the anger part of my brain..it comes in handy with 3 boys running around.

post #9 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lulu0910 View Post

[quote name="Backroads

To me, it seems dangerous to trust yourself to fight back a temper when you feel it rising.
[/quote]

I know how you are feeling please bring this up with your ob or even the pediatrician. Before you act out on your anger it happened to me. I wish for myself that the first time I felt those feelings that instead of feeling ashamed. I would have sought help. Its hard to be surrounded by "perfect" moms as I perceived. Reality is no one is perfect don't try to be. Best advice Talk!!! Whenever you feel that way talk.

You haven't actually read this thread, have you?

post #10 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Backroads View Post

You haven't actually read this thread, have you?
. I apologize I only have the best intentions at heart.
post #11 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lulu0910 View Post


. I apologize I only have the best intentions at heart.

Just to clarify, Lulu, we're not talking about "cry it out" methods or putting baby down crying in order to accomplish tasks. What we're talking about is simply "taking a breather" so you don't get to the overwhelmed point where you are having the negative thoughts. My personal belief is that it's much healthier for mother and baby for the mother to take a short break to recompose if it can help prevent her getting to the point where she feels overwhelmed, however, the poster was asking as she's seen other advice that this is not the case.

post #12 of 23

A baby who won't be soothed is emotionally overwhelming to any mom, it doesn't mean PPD or anything to need a break. Getting upset like that frequently or strongly, yes get help for yourself. But feeling "I can't take this anymore" now and then, normal.

post #13 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Backroads View Post
 

You haven't actually read this thread, have you?

I'm sure you did, and your advice is good--just not applicable to me.  I started this thread not really as "I need help" thread because it's not a problem I'm dealing with. I started it out of curiosity and wondering, and you seemed to keep reading it as a cry for help from me.

 

rachelsmama has me wondering if I simply misread/misinterpreted the other cases I read and they were not promoting "stay with your baby even at the risk of a temper explosion" but simply stating their own experiences.

post #14 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Backroads View Post

I'm sure you did, and your advice is good--just not applicable to me.  I started this thread not really as "I need help" thread because it's not a problem I'm dealing with. I started it out of curiosity and wondering, and you seemed to keep reading it as a cry for help from me.

Yes exactly. Just wanted to make sure you and baby are ok.
post #15 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lulu0910 View Post


Yes exactly. Just wanted to make sure you and baby are ok.

That's just it.  I never mentioned a problem with me and baby.

post #16 of 23

Yes, absolutely take a breather if you're feeling yourself getting angry or out of control. Every baby is different and moms have different personalities too, so just because someone says they can always hold their temper, it doesn't make them a better mom than you if you can't. And it also doesn't mean what they're saying is true, the internet is a funny place where you can tell people all kinds of stories.

post #17 of 23
I think anyone who tells you that you shouldn't take a breather when a baby is unsoothable and you need to recompose is too committed to a method and not respecting their needs as much as they do their child's.

Personally, I think this mommy martyrdom is unhealthy. It's obviously a part of motherhood to make sacrifices and lose out on some previous luxuries, but I always try to remember the "oxygen mask rule" from flying : always put your oxygen mask on first, then your child's. A child who is helped first but whose caregiver doesn't save himself is left helpless.
post #18 of 23
Thread Starter 

Thanks.  So from here, there doesn't seem to be the policy I thought was being presented.

post #19 of 23

Personally, I didn't let my babies cry so I could take a breather because it never worked here. If I let them cry and stepped out, they would escalate their crying and I would end up being more frantic than before. Nursing did the trick for me. Or letting baby with another adult; then I was able to calm down.

post #20 of 23
Reasons/situations where I'm comfortable putting down a crying baby:
- I'm about to soil myself and desperately need the toilet NOW!
- I'm so overwhelmed that I want/need to scream and can't take it anymore. In this case I leave the room briefly, cry/scream into a pillow for a couple of minutes and then return with some of the tension gone, better able to care for baby. This doesn't happen often but I struggle with pp mood (I'm in counselling for it) and I need a quick out at times. When this happens, baby is crying super intensely though so escalation isn't an issue.
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