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September chat thread - Page 2

post #21 of 109

DH's work schedule is a constant fight in our house too. He works starting at 9:30 on Monday to Friday and every other Saturday, and even though the store closes at 6 every day (5 on Saturdays) he usually only comes home at 8 or so every night. This is actually an improvement from working until the wee hours of the morning like he was before but it still makes me crazy that he's always the last person to leave even though he's the only one with a family to go home to (the rest of them only have gfs, if anything, and most don't even live with them). We came to an agreement that he would leave right at 6 on Wednesdays no matter what but he often pushes the boundaries of that and will come home at around 6:45 or 7.

 

I can easily see how this sort of problem could tear a relationship/family apart. I find myself really resenting him sometimes for being away and having adult conversation while doing something he loves all day to come home to a (relatively) clean house and a well cared for baby while I'm stuck at home all the time cleaning up poo and puke. I also just lost my one consistent mommy friend because she moved to a different province, so I really don't have anyone to talk to in the day anymore. I'm reaching out through mommy groups and such but I'm admittedly kind of weird and don't naturally get along with many other mothers because I'm not a "baby person" so much. I like babies (especially my own), but I don't fawn over them nor do I want to make my life entirely revolve around them and I have a hard time finding other mamas in my area who are on the same wave-length as me in terms of naturalish parenting since many of them are either extremely militant about it (and looking for anyone to challenge their choices so they can lecture) or dismissive of it. I am a strong advocate of open-mindedness and balance, and have very little tolerance for gossipy judgemental housewife nonsense, so I'm a bit of an outsider around here...

 

... I'm not sure how I got on the topic of friendlessness but apparently I needed that little vent.

post #22 of 109
Oh yes we have the work issue too. He's gone from 6am to 6 pm usually Monday to Friday. Clarissa goes to bed between 7 and 7:30 so we try and squeeze in dinner and then it's bath and bedtime routine. I guess the only nice thing is she is in her own room but I'm usually so tired I go to bed by 8:30. And so does hubby.
Clarissa has been sleeping so much better this week though! We started putting her down tired but still awake and its made a world of difference. She's only up twice to nurse and is sleeping more than 1-2 hrs at a time. Naps are better too. So that's been one positive this week. I am starting to feel human again.
post #23 of 109

I'm so glad to hear that, Jenny!

 

DH works MWF from 9-3 (home before 4 pm) and TTh works from home, when we switch off every 2 hours.  He tells everyone that, by doing this, he/we made the harder choice (though he loves it!) and he's right.  I think it's much harder for both of us to sort of "job share" with baby and our respective work than for either of us to WOH.  I completely understand why some/many/most men have to work long hours, but it honestly also kind of cheeses me off when some men (not speaking of your DPs now-- but others I know) are never home and then give lip service to how hard (SAH)Mom's job is... while not pitching in.  If the job is that hard (which it is-- which is why you're avoiding it!), you look like an azz for not doing more of it!

 

Anyway.  soapbox.gif

 

You will roll your eyes, but DH is going away for ~72 hours this week and I am freaking out a little.  I actually think I can maybe just barely handle it, because he has twice been away for a day-- at least for all of her waking hours (7 am-8 pm).  That's not 3 days in a row (well, 1/2 day, 2 days and another 1/2 day) but I am preparing as much as possible to have company and things to do, etc.  So I think I'll just barely survive.  But I am worried about DD missing him.  :(  We will Skype at least daily-- her only screen time is Skype with both sets of grandparents, and she is catching on to how it works-- but still.  

 

ETA-- We'll also have to (finally!) try me driving her alone with no one in the back seat to keep her company.  She only tolerates the car about 50% of the time-- and that's with company!  So IDK.  We don't 100% HAVE to do it, except maybe to drop DH off and pick him up from the train (5-7 min one way), but we will have to try it, so...  I am nervous.  I mean-- it can get pretty awful...  and she isn't even a big fan of the jogging stroller (I assume b/c she can't see me).  Unfortunately, we don't have headrests in the back, so none of the carseat "mirrors" will work for us.  Any advice?

post #24 of 109
Buko- when LO was younger she hated the carseat, too. I was able to jerryrig Velcro onto the seat back so the mirror had something to stick to. I pretty much just survived by sticking my freakishly long arm back to stroke her head/replace her paci if needed. Driving one handed. Yeesh.

But the good news is that the more practice we got solo driving, the less baby hated it. Now she never cries in the car!

Teles- I am with you 100%. I live in a town where I get stared down for baby wearing. I'm admittedly crunchy, Catholic, and like you I'm not a baby person except when it comes to family/close friends. So I'm pretty much an oddball all around. I don't require that my friends be the same as me, luckily. But man, it is hard to find someone to really open up to beyond superficial pleasantries and "oh, your baby doesn't sleep through the night yet? how sad for you."
post #25 of 109
Just a quick note to encourage anyone who needs it to keep seeking out mama friends.
I'm not a baby person either. I get no giddy joy out of holding other people's babies. Just the other day someone was ooohing and aaahing over Freya, telling me how pretty she is and I said thanks etc. later I realized, crap-totally forgot to say her baby was cute too! orngtongue.gif

Anyway, I meet a lot of moms as an LLL leader and I really only connect with a handful of them, and probably have 2 or 3 good friends I do stuff with on a regular basis.

Just keep going to play dates, LLL meetings, mom & baby classes ... You'll find someone and it totally rocks when you find a like minded mama friend.
post #26 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by waywornwanderer View Post

Buko- when LO was younger she hated the carseat, too. I was able to jerryrig Velcro onto the seat back so the mirror had something to stick to. I pretty much just survived by sticking my freakishly long arm back to stroke her head/replace her paci if needed. Driving one handed. Yeesh.

But the good news is that the more practice we got solo driving, the less baby hated it. Now she never cries in the car!

Teles- I am with you 100%. I live in a town where I get stared down for baby wearing. I'm admittedly crunchy, Catholic, and like you I'm not a baby person except when it comes to family/close friends. So I'm pretty much an oddball all around. I don't require that my friends be the same as me, luckily. But man, it is hard to find someone to really open up to beyond superficial pleasantries and "oh, your baby doesn't sleep through the night yet? how sad for you."

Velcro!  duh.gif  Thank you!

post #27 of 109

Amen, odinsmama! I felt really alone as a parent until we moved up to Madison from Chicago about 5 years ago. When my first was a baby I sort of sought out mama friends but didn't really try as much as I should have in retrospect, even though I was very lonely. I was lucky to have some friends who would hang out with us during the day, though... but it was different as they were all still "young" and didn't have kids. By luck I met my BMF (best mama friend) at Target one day a couple months after we moved here, and through her was connected to a great group of friends. I don't know what I would do without that support! I am close to two of them besides my BMF (but also semi-regularly connect with the others) and it's so nice, when I'm having a hard day, to pick up my phone and text someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. All of our kids are close friends, too, and we have tons of playdates, will watch each other's kids when something comes up, etc., etc. I'm lucky to have some mamas who I really click with (meaning I'd be friends with them kids or no kids) but sometimes just having a mom friend who you *mostly* click with, if that makes sense, makes all the difference in the world. 

post #28 of 109

i just had to say that naomi starts her swim class today and i'm super excited! hubby is going with us and taking our camera, so hopefully he can take at least one good one so i can post it. her bathing suit is so incredibly girly.. but we just got it yesterday and it's not summer anymore, so super cheap clearance, but the only kind left. mwap mwap.

 

i also went to my local mom's club meeting today. for being 28, i am one of the youngest moms in the group, if not the youngest. is everyone waiting until their 30's to have kids now?

post #29 of 109
Depends on your socioeconomic class.
post #30 of 109
Thanks Jean smile.gif
Was thinking about this a little more today, actually, and wanted to also say the same thing that you said as far as finding moms you click with, not just have stuff in common with. I have one friend, sort of, who I have a lot in common with... 2 older boys, homeschool, our hubbies went to high school together. But we don't click at all. And if I try to force it, cause it seems like we should get along so well, I just get annoyed with her. orngtongue.gif

So, even if you're meeting people and can't quite connect with them it may just need a little time for the friendship to grow or it may just not be a good fit.

I don't know if I have much else to update on miss Freya. Oh, we did have a fantastic car ride today both to and from town, yay!!
It was DS2's bday today. My kids' birthdays always cause me to reflect on their birth and infancy, I had a neat night last night telling him about what he was like as a baby (I left out the part about colic wink1.gif ).

We still have really warm weather and Freya loves the beach (sand, yum!) and is enjoying the summer fruits that are still in season here. A friend just gave us a big bag of star fruit. Yes, baths are now a necessity, not just something we can do when we feel like it.

Reading what some of you are dealing with in your relationships totally takes me back to my first newborn. The first one is just SO hard on the relationship. I think I've said this before, too. It just totally sucks. Sleep, communication, expectations, learning about your ever changing baby and you can't even get a shower. It does get easier, and better. And I have never had such a hard time adjusting to a baby (myself or my relationship) as with the first.

And you know, with household stuff or working out of the home or who does baby duty 50% or 99% of the time... Do what works for you and your partner. There is NO WAY DH and I would be (both of us) happy and thriving and at peace if we tried to do things the way many of our friends do in their homes. We do what works for us, we communicate when we need a change or I need more help than usual or he needs more help. And it works for us. If something isn't working any more, we change it to suit us and our family. I can deal with friends thinking I'm crazy for not demanding DH do more baby or house duty (which I don't even want him to do, thank you very much) but I can't deal with resentment in my marriage on either of our parts.

Alrighty, then. End rant (which I didn't even know I was going to do when I first started typing). orngtongue.gif
post #31 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellybeth View Post

i just had to say i also went to my local mom's club meeting today. for being 28, i am one of the youngest moms in the group, if not the youngest. is everyone waiting until their 30's to have kids now?
. is everyone waiting until their 30's to have kids now?
[/quote]

DH and I are only 24. Definitely the youngest BY FAR in most parenting groups. The worst of it is that I actually look more like a teenager than my age.
post #32 of 109
Odinsmama-- well said. The most important thing is whether your arrangement is working for you. The men I was referencing have very disgruntled wives, which is why I know their lip service is just that!
post #33 of 109
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellybeth View Post
 

i just had to say that naomi starts her swim class today and i'm super excited! hubby is going with us and taking our camera, so hopefully he can take at least one good one so i can post it. her bathing suit is so incredibly girly.. but we just got it yesterday and it's not summer anymore, so super cheap clearance, but the only kind left. mwap mwap.

 

i also went to my local mom's club meeting today. for being 28, i am one of the youngest moms in the group, if not the youngest. is everyone waiting until their 30's to have kids now?

 

I keep having the same experience. Most FTMs I've met are between 35-41. It might be a combination of things, As Buko mentioned, it's partly socio economic but I think it's also a bit cultural too. I know lots of people who went on to do several different career paths before they felt like starting a family. Sometimes that process took a while. This seems to be the generation of the big "before kids" bucket list. For us that was the case. 

post #34 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by buko View Post

Odinsmama-- well said. The most important thing is whether your arrangement is working for you. The men I was referencing have very disgruntled wives, which is why I know their lip service is just that!

Oh yeah, I got that you weren't talking about any of the dads here... Your thoughts just led to my thoughts. smile.gif
post #35 of 109
This fits in the "day in the life thread" but I don't know if everyone is reading that one. This is required reading for all of us mamas, but especially the FTMs.


blowkiss.gif

http://mamaseeds.com/blog/baby-sleep-training/new-mamas-get-nothing-done-and-other-untruths/
post #36 of 109
I've really enjoyed reading this thread, and hearing how all of you are doing.

Regarding child spacing and having more - I'm still feeling the "holy crap this hard / why the hell would anyone do this again" thing. I know my son is high needs, I'm very sleep deprived, and his birth was traumatic. Perhaps that is why I'm so terrified of ever doing this again. I think I can be happy and fulfilled with just one.

Long term, I don't know what we'll do for BC. That's a whole other issue.
post #37 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by odinsmama View Post

This fits in the "day in the life thread" but I don't know if everyone is reading that one. This is required reading for all of us mamas, but especially the FTMs.


blowkiss.gif

http://mamaseeds.com/blog/baby-sleep-training/new-mamas-get-nothing-done-and-other-untruths/

That was great - thanks for sharing! Definitely needed that smile.gif
post #38 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by odinsmama View Post

This fits in the "day in the life thread" but I don't know if everyone is reading that one. This is required reading for all of us mamas, but especially the FTMs.


blowkiss.gif

http://mamaseeds.com/blog/baby-sleep-training/new-mamas-get-nothing-done-and-other-untruths/

DH and I regularly quote Ray Barone when he defensively challenges Debra...  "What do *you* do all day I'm sorry."  All one sentence, just like that, LOL.

post #39 of 109

hubby took naomi on a walk in the ergo while i did things around the house yesterday. he came back almost an hour later and she was passed out! she has never fallen asleep in the carrier for him and has never tolerated being away from me for that long. i took lots of pictures of them together. :) 

granted, she was exhausted but fighting sleep (she's been doing that for a week now).

 

also, i had to pee really bad this morning so i put a pillow on the side of naomi by the edge of the bed and snuck out. that was over a half hour ago. she stirred once and i kissed her forehead and put the blanket back over her legs. i managed to brush my teeth and hair, dry brush and moisturize and oil pull already. she's starting to wake up though. 

two days of firsts! 

post #40 of 109

HA!  i totally have this link open in another window while catching up here-

 

http://mamaseeds.com/blog/baby-sleep-training/new-mamas-get-nothing-done-and-other-untruths/

 

and it caused me to come back here.  my husband has been traveling/working for the last 10 days- 5 days completely gone, 5 14 hour days.  and he's mentally/emotionally unavailable (and due to ovulating based on my signs, i'm physically unavailable) and it's not been easy or fun.  he is wise though, and my MIL is here to help out.

 

i come here b/c i've had a very very hard time finding mom friends!!!  w/ my first, i found 2 amazing friends.  one moved to detroit, and my other friend and i grew apart as our kids got older, and she got divorced and just basic ideas of family and life grew so different.  I've moved 4x since having my first kid, most locally, but a year ago totally moved to a new part of the state.  i'm working hard to build relationships w/ other moms, but it's not easy.  

 

i'm not very good at focusing on my kids when hanging w/ friends.  i like it if my kids play and entertain themselves and friends while i hang w/ adults.  usually this is important enough that other parents who need to be doing everything w/ their kids and don't let them play w/ out adults quickly don't want to hang w/ me and mine.  my kids are very direct and so am i.  this can be challenging when others are more gentle.  i talk to kids very honestly.  i let them know my expectations and when they have crossed my personal boundaries.  i do it w/ my kids, they do it w/ me and each other, and we all know where we stand w/ each other all the time!  i can't handle the subtle non-direct parents who don't want to just lay out what's okay and what's not and when/how/why.  i have been building a new friendship lately that i'm very excited about!  she's older than me, very direct and yet gentle and also has 5 kids but across a larger time frame!

 

praying for close-by and close mommy-friends for you all!!!!

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