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Mama needs a break =\

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
I had my daughter when I was 21. My ex was
Very abusive and we were very on and off again throughout my pregnancy. My DD is almost two now, and I'd been a single parent until she was 1, I started dating my now fiance, whom I've been great friends with for years. But I feel like things keep happening to tear me down right when I think I'm finally healing from the past. I have PTSD from my daughters dad, last thanksgiving I found out my fiancé cheated on me multiple times (he's wonderful now, we've worked out our issues), a month later I was raped, a month after that my best friend died out of nowhere from a heart attack and I still cry from missing him so much. Now my ex is trying to get custody of our daughter, I have full legal and physical custody and he has visitations, but it makes me nervous because he has a really good lawyer. I've tried taking classes for college but I keep failing every time, and I feel like such a failure in my family. My older brother is on his way to his PHD, my younger sister is almost done with her bachelors, and here I am with a baby out of wedlock and no degree. My daughter still wakes up multiple times a night.

I feel like I can't go on. I've been talking to a psychologist for a couple years and I'm off and on. I also have borderline personality disorder, which makes me absolutely terrified that I'm going to ruin my daughters life. I just want to sleep for days and send my daughter to my parents. Sometimes I Wonder if I should just do shared custody with my ex so it'll be easier on me, but then I smack myself because there's no way in hell I'd leave her alone with himself. I just want a vacation, like a 2 month vacation from being a mom, n adult, all the responsibilities and shit that happens back to back to back. I want to cry without my daughter seeing me and asking me why I'm crying. What do I do?
post #2 of 3
Oh you poor thing! You've been through a huge amount in such a short time. No wonder you're exhausted.

I can think of a few things which may help

1. Can you start seeing your psychologist regularly instead of just on and off? They can help you process everything and work out strategies for dealing with ongoing issues and your day to day life

2. I wouldn't even think of trying to study just now. You have more than enough to deal with and at, what 23?, you have plenty of time when your life is on a more even keel.

3. Easy for me to say but, try not to compare yourself to your siblings. Have they dealt with the same issues you are dealing with while studying? Probably not. And please try to reframe your self-talk re: unwed mother. You rescued yourself and your child from abuse. That is a brave and powerful thing to do.

4. Is it possible that your parents could take your daughter to give you a break? Maybe not for a month :-) but perhaps a weekend? Or even a few weekends in a row? Just to give you a chance to sleep and relax and hear yourself think for a moment or two.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing amazingly well.
post #3 of 3
Please don't be so hard on yourself, or be afraid to ask for help or do things that you enjoy. See if your parents or a friend (or drop-in childcare) can watch your kiddo a few times a week for you to go get a coffee and read, or take a long quiet bath, or do yoga or meditate. Recharge your batteries! Ask for help and just do what you can, forget comparing yourself to others.
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