I haven't been here in a long time, but needed a place to get this off my heart. I don't know any of you any longer, but I hope you don't mind taking a few moments to read this and share your thoughts on this subject.
In short, I left my childrens father because of domestic abuse around 5 years ago. I got through that allright. It was tough, but I did it. I felt the best I have probably felt about myself in my adult life. I was everything I wanted to be. I loved life, loved my children, felt completely ready to go meet a man again. And so I did. Oh boy did I ever. I met the love of my life. My other half. It was love like in the movies. So big I could hardly bear it. And then ofcourse it happened, the inevitable. He left me. Just like that, on our one year anniversary. I fell into a big black hole, but in my desperation I started dating a man soon after that. A really wonderful guy. Perfect in every way. Kind, generous, supportive, loving, intelligent. And - so i thought - one who would stick around, even if I knew I would never love him like I loved the first one.
We were together for the next three years. I had a lot of doubts during that time, and it pretty much took me that long to be able to actually trust that he was a keeper. Except as soon as I made that decision, he left. Yep. Like that.
So here I am. It's been 6 months since he left me. I guess I got over him ok - I was never really in love - it was more like a deep affection and respect - and eventually love though it did take me a long time to be able to do that again. But the whole being abandoned part. I don't know if I can ever be a whole person again. I never really have been since before I met that one and only big love. Love tore me apart. Literally. Not domestic violence. Not years of abuse. Nope. Managed that like a pro. But this being abandoned-thing. I don't do it well.
I've taken antidepressants, seen shrinks. And still i end up here. Thinking my life is a big waste of my time. If not for the kids, I don't really see a reason I should keep trying ykwim? Still I do have three wonderful, lovely kids. And I dare say I am a darned good mother to them. They keep me feeling this life may still have something in store for me, if nothing but to see them grow up and be happier than me. It's just so depressing. Only living for someone else and not for me. I never wanted to be single. I never dreamt of a life in solitude. We are not meant to live alone. We are meant to live together. If not in couples then in societies where we are not alone all the freakin' time. I don't mind my own company. I'm intelligent, fairly good looking, kind and loving and respectful. I've done all the right things. Except appearently it's just not enough for the men I choose. Even when I try to break my pattern, choose someone completely different than the ones before. I end up in the same situation. How on earth do I move on. I know what I want. There just aint no way under the sun, that it will ever happen. Full stop.