Oh, honey, I'm sorry you and your sweet baby had to go through this.
The C Section is NOT your fault. Say that to yourself 10 times.
I don't know if you remember my birth story (from the other site) but I labored for 56 hours with my first baby, I pushed for more than 3 hours and the baby had made NO progression. I delayed a C Section as long as I could, but I was passing out and hallucinating and out of my mind with the pain and I was really scared my baby's head was being repeatedly struck against my pubic bone.
After many hours I finally consented to a C Section. I was sad. I had wanted an Ina May birth, preferably in my garden while I was picking tomatoes, instead I got this medicalized nightmare.
At the time (I was in my early 20s) I was told I had an Adroid Pelvis. I knew it was different than a normal woman's pelvis, but it wasn't until years later when I studied childbirth while becoming a lactation consultant that I realized just how unusual and dangerous an Android Pelvis can be to vaginal birth. Before that I grieved. At around 9 months after my first baby was born, I had a little break down and cried for days. I really mourned my inability to give birth to my baby. Instead I put EVERYTHING I had into breastfeeding. Birth is one day, breastfeeding is months or years in your child's life. We had a difficult time at first, but after 4 months of struggling with nipple confusion, colic, a hypertonic baby, etc we prevailed.
I lost my next pregnancy, when S. was 15 months old. I got pregnant with her sister the next month. The labor was the same as my first. Shorter (maybe 26 hours) and i felt the baby move the first half hour of pushing, then she just STOPPED. My damn pelvis again. I pushed for a few more hours, then had the vision of my baby's head banging into my pelvic bone again and actually said, "That's it. It's over, I can't do it." My doctor and my DH wanted me to try some more, so I did. No luck. I had my second C Birth. I didn't grieve this one, I KNEW I had tried my damnedest to get that baby out. Breastfeeding her was the easiest thing in the world. Different than my first baby.
Fast forward 11 years. I find myself pregnant again. (After an other miscarriage a few years earlier.) I see my OBGYN, my friend. He says, "You don't want to try an other VBAC do you?" This doctor is renowned for his success with VBAC Mamas. Even he thinks it's not a good idea. At the time I am suffering from a chronic pain disorder, I'm not 100% well, I'm much older. I have fantasies of just having my baby at home with no help. They are just that, fantasies. I go to the hospital on the day we chose, as I am having contractions... again,,,, and after an amnio to see if my baby's lungs are mature, I go into full blown early labor. I wait all day, as my doctor has emergencies. He asks me if I'm OK, do I want the C Birth now? No, I tell him, those other Mamas have emergencies, it's better if I labor a while. Finally it's time and I have my C Birth. Before that, I hide in the small bathroom of the OR. I don't want to come out, I'm scared. I know it will hurt, but I haven't been in hard labor and pushing like with the others. I'm still on my feet. The nurse knocks on the door, and I realize I have to come out of the bathroom, have my Spinal and get my baby out.
She's born! An other C Birth. An other healthy baby. Her little head peeks out of my body, eyes wide open looking at all the people in the OR (my case was "unusual" so I'm a case study for students and residents) The resident doing the actual removal of my baby says, "Hi, Baby!" and I start to cry. She's not crying, just looking around, soaking it all in. Finally I tell her, "Sage CRY, honey. Mama needs to know you're OK." She does.
We nurse in the recovery room and all is well. My husband is holding her after her nursing, she was swallowing only a few minutes after her birth. She pees on him. It's a joke our family will always remember.
I don't regret anything anymore. Nature gave me a screwed up body. but I was able to conceive, and gestate and lactate. I do miss never having a vaginal birth. But, it's history now.
Honey, you will have some sadness. But, the past is over. It's OK to be sad about the C Birth (my friend, a midwife always calls C Sections "C Births".... because they ARE births.) Time will heal that wound.
I know the sadness and the grief. It will pass. When it starts to overcome you, pick up that little boy of yours and smell his hair. That helps. I know.