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House key for a 13-year-old? - Page 2

post #21 of 26

I'm wondering if it isn't a good plan to look further down the road. If you have shared custody there are just going to be times in the future where you x is going to be in your house (if you maintain the civil custody sharing arrangement you have now).  At some point your older DC is going to need some help carrying something and your x is going to come help her, right?  So, I guess I'm feeling like you are going to have to either address the issue of him not ever coming into your home...or you may have to just get comfortable with the idea.  

 

Unless, of course, you're talking about worrying about him unlawfully entering your home when he has no cause to be there...  Is that your concern?  

post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post
 

I'm wondering if it isn't a good plan to look further down the road. If you have shared custody there are just going to be times in the future where you x is going to be in your house (if you maintain the civil custody sharing arrangement you have now).  At some point your older DC is going to need some help carrying something and your x is going to come help her, right?  So, I guess I'm feeling like you are going to have to either address the issue of him not ever coming into your home...or you may have to just get comfortable with the idea.  

 

Unless, of course, you're talking about worrying about him unlawfully entering your home when he has no cause to be there...  Is that your concern?  

 

Yes! Exactly. 

 
We do currently have a civil arrangement, and I don't see that changing, nor would I want it to change unless it has to. Although I don't really trust my ex, neither do I want this to become uncivil by bringing lawyers and decrees into it, for DD's sake. Someday I will have to be more honest with DD about my feelings about her dad, but for now my way of dealing with this feels like the way that is most respectful of her relationship with him.
 
I'm actually not too concerned about his entering the house with DD present... it's mostly the idea that he might be tempted to use his key to enter alone. I've seen him be disrespectful of other people's information and belongings in the (distant) past, and my feelings of uneasiness around that have stayed with me all these years.
 
It's really about privacy for me... for example, I wouldn't want him in my filing cabinet, looking at medical and tax records. He's weird and controlling about how we spend our money, and it's a constant battle to keep our private life private from him. For example, DD doesn't know how much our rent is, nor how much we spent on the used car we just bought, because if she knew, her father would know, and he would have an opinion about it (not a nice one!). Likewise, I don't want him opening bathroom and kitchen cabinets and seeing the fertility supplements I take and thereby knowing we are trying for a baby, because he would have an opinion about that, too. So... I'm thinking maybe at least in the future, we just need to find a way to lock up and hide the things we really want to keep private. Either that, or just be okay with living our lives as an open book and dealing with whatever reactions he has.
 
It's possible these fears of mine are mostly projections of my difficult, complicated relationship with the ex. He may have zero interest in rifling through my medicine cabinet and bank statements... but worrying about that sure does make for a challenge in dealing with this key issue! 
post #23 of 26
My daughter has a house key, and she leaves it at my house when she goes to her father's. This was something she did all on her own. We hadn't discussed it, ahead of time. She just pulled her key out of her bag before her dad picked her up and said "Oop, guess I shoudn't take this with me", and left it in the dish where we keep our keys. It has been a complete non-issue.

Is there any reason she would need to take the key to her dad's house? Can she not leave it behind? I guess I don't see a reason why she would be needing to enter your house when she's visiting her father? Maybe I missed some pertenant piece of info in this thread. Hmm. Will go check!
post #24 of 26
Thread Starter 

Thanks for sharing your experience, Nikki. That totally makes sense! And how great that it was intuitive for your DD.

 

I don't think it would work for our family, though, because we have a crazy parenting schedule that has DD often walking out mom's door in the AM and in dad's door in the afternoon/evening. We would love to do a week-on/week-off schedule, but her dad won't have it. So leaving the key at my house would probably mean she wouldn't have it when she needed it. We are still trying to figure out how to handle this, and it's an issue that won't be going away. So I appreciate all the ideas!

post #25 of 26

I have an electronic keypad (same reason - ex). I can easily program it for holiday mode when they are with their dad. Then I can just use my key or my master code to get in.

Good luck

post #26 of 26

Fix up a key safe just as Diane suggested, "Lock box" which is the same.

 

It's all about trust. To a 13 year old having a key to the house really is a big deal. Your daughter's peers all have one, so why not her, she thinks? When I was adopted into my new family I was with my baby. They trusted me. Implicitly. They fixed a key safe on the wall, entrusted me with the code and I went from there. Four years down the line, needless to say I don't need the key safe anymore.

 

If you know any of the mothers of your daughter's friends who trusted their daughter with a key to their house, ask them why. You might be pleasantly surprised. You also might get a make a friend, and that could be very useful as your daughter grows up during what is undeniably difficult years.

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