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New friend wants to take her kids out of the room when we nurse. What would you say? - Page 7

post #121 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieLC View Post
 

Does it really matter? The women breastfed but didn't let her own kids see her do it! 


Can we beat a dead horse any more? Just because one says something over and over (and over and over)  doesn't make it true for all.

 

 

I'm with @skycheattraffic when she said, "I'm just saddened that in the breastfeeding beyond infancy forum, the consensus seems to be that her child is too old to nurse on demand."  


Yes, it does matter because you keep accusing her of something that you have no knowledge of, and you made up things about this woman that aren't true. Here are some examples...

 

"I don't think she was the least bit "respectful" to tell you not to nurse in your own home." That never happened.

 

"Yes, friendships are important, but when someone disrespects you in your OWN home and wants you to pretend to be someone you are not, how "strong" or important is the friendship from HER point of view?" The friend did not disrespect the OP in her own home, nor asked her to pretend to be someone she's not. She just asked the OP to give her a heads up so SHE, the friend, could take action, not the OP.

 

"Seriously? I'm "shocked" a women would hide her own breastfeeding from the rest of her children and tell an other woman how to breastfeed in her own home" The OP's friend did not tell the OP how to breastfeed in her own home.

 

"I'm just calling it the way I see it. My issue is that the OP's friend asked her to change her own behavior in her own house AND the OP's friend didn't let her own children see her breastfeed her babies." Again, never did the OP's friend ask her to change her behavior in her own house. 

 

The OP said that the friend hid her own breasts under a cover, which is the OP's interpretation by using the word "hid". Maybe the friend is more comfortable covering up while nursing... in front of anybody, which is totally fine. She didn't ask the OP to cover up. I covered up and so did others on this thread. Again, I've said this before, isn't the goal to get women to breastfeed? If they are more comfortable covering up, SO WHAT. You being a lactation consultant should be more understanding of this. Do you only work with women who don't "hide" their breasts? In your opinion, are those who cover up ruining the normalizing and subsequent success rate of breastfeeding? Are the comfort levels of all breastfeeding mothers important, or just the ones who don't cover up?

 

Oh, and don't lump me into the debate about how old is too old to nurse on demand. I have not commented on that, nor do I plan to.

post #122 of 136
Wow.
You must have spent a lot of time gathering all that stuff.
post #123 of 136
All right, mamas ... If we can't keep this civil, perhaps it's time to nurse this thread down for a nap, no matter how old it is.
post #124 of 136

I agree that a diversity of opinons were expressed,  and that is not the problem. There were one or two insensitive posts, that if i had read them as the OP, i would have felt a little attacked. I dont care to go back through the thread to see exactly which threads they were, (one of them said that the OP herself was being judgmental, whether or not true, isnt the point ) but there were a couple. There were also plenty of posts that expressed a different opinion, but were put more sensitively.

 

I dont know why the moderator focused on the 'prude' comment , more than the 'judgmental' comment.  Maybe because one person flagged that comment to the moderator...or maybe not.

post #125 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieLC View Post

Wow.
You must have spent a lot of time gathering all that stuff.


It wasn't that hard since you said all that stuff more than once, like it was true.

 

I never had a problem with what the OP wrote. She feels the way she feels. Fine. What I have had a problem with is people who make things up. I also have a problem with some being so one-sided on this issue. Who is going to come to the defense of breastfeeding mothers who cover up? Who is going to come to the defense of those breastfeeding mothers who may choose to be more discreet and are more modest, and may not want to breastfeed in front of everyone? Who is going to come to the defense of the breastfeeding mothers who do care if other people are looking at their exposed breast? Maybe those women feel just as isolated and rejected as the ones who don't cover up. Again, isn't the goal to get more women to breastfeed? There are some who cover up and some who don't. Both sides should be supported and encouraged. I don't see that happening here on this thread. It's the uncovered vs the covered, and the covered are being looked upon as the ones who are ruining the breastfeeding movement, not helping normalizing breastfeeding, etc, and it's really annoying.

post #126 of 136

There's an adage we've all heard which says, "When in Rome, do as the Romans."  It seems sensible that when you are at someone else's home, if something you do makes them uncomfortable, you should respect that and stop.  It would be great if she could see the flip side and respect your differences and if she's that uncomfortable or has issues that viewing you nurse creates with her son, take her kids out of the room in your home (which is all she ever asked for.)

 

I like to look even farther and beyond what is sensible and think about what is the loving thing to do.  Now you've got 2 people to think about- what is loving for your son and what is loving toward your new friend.

 

There was a time when my daughter was nursing and her life depended on it.  I nursed wherever I went but I tried to be respectful of company and modest.  I suppose if modesty or feeding the baby were at odds, I would have chosen feeding the baby. However, I live in a largely Christian community so modesty is a big deal to most folks around here.  I respect that- but I still had to feed my baby.  At my home with company, I nursed more freely.  If my father in law was around, he'd often just go into another room.  I didn't take that as offensive.  I respected his choice to leave and he respected my choice to stay in the room.  When I was at his house, I'd slip away into a bedroom for privacy most of the time because I knew, for whatever reason, there was something about it.

 

Should there be something about it?  I think that is another discussion entirely.  The original issue is really how to deal with relationships with people who are different from ourselves.  Respect and love (I'm speaking of the kind of love that puts another's needs above our own- not the romantic, sexual kind of love) are the building blocks that create strong, long term relationships.

 

Now that my daughter is 3.5, I choose not to nurse at all during company or on outings.  That because of me.  It became something I wanted to be private.  And now it is becoming something that I think we are moving closer and closer to weaning because I am pushing her to nurse in the morning or evening and not during the day at all.  I am encouraging her toward other ways of coping- like cuddling, drinking water or milk from a cup, snacking, talking, tickling or playing on my lap or another distraction/activity she enjoys.  And now she just accepts that if company is here, there won't be nursing until our designated morning/evening time.  I'm not saying that's how you have to handle your 3 yo- just saying that is how my nursing relationship has changed over time and I feel good about it.  It is stretching my daughter and growing her while still young.  It's teaching her to be flexible and that sometimes what she wants can be effectively delayed and she will still be okay.

 

I hope you find the right balance to strike with all the replies you've received and that both your nursing relationship with your son and your new friendship thrives.

 

Blessings,

Lori

post #127 of 136
Moderators haven't faltered in this thread from wht I've read
post #128 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by tabitha View Post
 

What dalia said.

 

Except that that the 'friend' has an opinion/ comfort level or whatever you want to call it that is insidious and contagious. And yes, I know the definition of the word insidious and it is perfectly used here. I don't care how she might change her views or how she might come around, I would not want my family absorbing that viewpoint or normalizing it in any way. It's toxic. Plain and simple. Whether her 11 yo sexualizes breasts to that degree, or if it is just the mother's discomfort, whatever it is, they got that somewhere. It's catching.

 

I've read up to here and want to say that I agree with a lot of folks on this thread. I especially agree with this and Dalia's post before this. But, I also tend to agree with the folks who are encouraging compassion and friendship between these two women...because that's catching too!  

 

I also can really sympathize with the moms on this thread who choose to cover and how some of the above and other posts feel to them when they read it. Should it be "normal" to cover? To leave the room? To put one breast back when nursing? We all normalize at least some level of modesty when BFing. I say this as someone who is known as a very open nurser. So...this is a grey area and something worth looking into. 

 

All in all I think the best way to think about this is the difference between supporting a mother in nursing however she feels comfortable. For that reason, I with for the OP's sake that she can find a better solution than having everyone leave the room, or not nursing, or ending the friendship. 

 

The friend offered a solution. The OP can offer a counter solution. My guess is that military life in Korea is pretty isolating across the board, which is why to mothers with fairly different views on parenting became friends in the first place. Beautiful things can grow from this given the fact that both of these mothers have a lot at stake in making this work. 

 

OP, if you're in this military life for the long haul, please know that these early stages of parenting can have a way of highlighting the differences between mothers. With the exception of corporal punishment and neglect, I have found that I am less and less concerned with choices other parents make for their kids and them for me. It gets easier. <3 

post #129 of 136

I'm totally going to pull a tl;dr here.  

 

@flyrabbitfly, this is a tough situation.  I think if I were you, given the location and community issues you face, and that fact that your child loves playing with her kids, I would have a discussion with her about it. (Autocorrect just made it into "tit"...hmmm. :lol)  I would ask her what made her uncomfortable and see if there was a solution you could work out that would meet her needs, and yours.  I admit, being asked to cover up in my own home would probably put my back up a bit, so I totally understand that it may be hard to approach it positively and neutrally.  I would probably approach is as confusion as to what she has a problem with, and lots of "we really love hanging out with you!!! I really want to make this a workable situation!!" because it sounds like you really do want to keep her in your and your child's lives. :)  Which I understand!! 

 

I hope that this resolves for you! It can be tough to need people to connect with and when they throw you a curveball and you really like them it is hard to find a solution that is workable and allows you to stick to your convictions.  And that seems like that is what this is really about, you need some folks around you to make it bearable for the remaining year you have, and this friend is helping to do that.  

 

I'm glad you brought this discussion here!  It seems like it is a good one, and an important one. :)  Thank you for sharing it with us.

post #130 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdinaL View Post
 

I'm totally going to pull a tl;dr here.  

 

@flyrabbitfly, this is a tough situation.  I think if I were you, given the location and community issues you face, and that fact that your child loves playing with her kids, I would have a discussion with her about it. (Autocorrect just made it into "tit"...hmmm. :lol)  I would ask her what made her uncomfortable and see if there was a solution you could work out that would meet her needs, and yours.  I admit, being asked to cover up in my own home would probably put my back up a bit, so I totally understand that it may be hard to approach it positively and neutrally.  I would probably approach is as confusion as to what she has a problem with, and lots of "we really love hanging out with you!!! I really want to make this a workable situation!!" because it sounds like you really do want to keep her in your and your child's lives. :)  Which I understand!! 

 

I hope that this resolves for you! It can be tough to need people to connect with and when they throw you a curveball and you really like them it is hard to find a solution that is workable and allows you to stick to your convictions.  And that seems like that is what this is really about, you need some folks around you to make it bearable for the remaining year you have, and this friend is helping to do that.  

 

I'm glad you brought this discussion here!  It seems like it is a good one, and an important one. :)  Thank you for sharing it with us.

This didn't happen. This is what is driving me nuts. This may seem like a minor detail, but is actually a major thing.,, because many of you keep getting upset about this, but it never happened. The OP was not asked to cover up in her own home.

 

For the record, I would be upset too if someone asked me to change my behavior, especially with how I breastfed my kids, in my own home. That is not the case here. This misunderstanding is getting rewritten over and over In this thread, and it is setting up a tone for it, and making this new friend look like a jerk. It is unfortunate that this keeps happening.

 

Also, the OP's new friend did offer a solution, which is totally reasonable by the way. I am still having a hard time understanding why this new friend is being made to look like the bad guy here.

post #131 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by erinmattsmom88 View Post
 

This didn't happen. This is what is driving me nuts. This may seem like a minor detail, but is actually a major thing.,, because many of you keep getting upset about this, but it never happened. The OP was not asked to cover up in her own home.

 

For the record, I would be upset too if someone asked me to change my behavior, especially with how I breastfed my kids, in my own home. That is not the case here. This misunderstanding is getting rewritten over and over In this thread, and it is setting up a tone for it, and making this new friend look like a jerk. It is unfortunate that this keeps happening.

 

Also, the OP's new friend did offer a solution, which is totally reasonable by the way. I am still having a hard time understanding why this new friend is being made to look like the bad guy here.

You are totally right.  I was using a short hand of "cover up" but in actuality she asked for a heads up so she could remove herself and her children, she did not ask for the mom to cover up or alter her behavior in any way other than to give her notice of potential breastfeeding activity.  I should have been more concise in my response.

 

My advice remains the same though.  I would still open up a dialogue with this friend and determine what was making them uncomfortable, and how we could best meet both our needs given the situation, if the suggestions for giving the friend a heads up wasn't okay with me.

 

I don't think the new friend is a bad guy at all.  I think that there is likely a comfort or cultural difference that is in play here.  I think that a previous poster's comment that perhaps the boys might have brought it up to mom after the fact is a good possibility as well.

post #132 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdinaL View Post
 

You are totally right.  I was using a short hand of "cover up" but in actuality she asked for a heads up so she could remove herself and her children, she did not ask for the mom to cover up or alter her behavior in any way other than to give her notice of potential breastfeeding activity.  I should have been more concise in my response.

 

My advice remains the same though.  I would still open up a dialogue with this friend and determine what was making them uncomfortable, and how we could best meet both our needs given the situation, if the suggestions for giving the friend a heads up wasn't okay with me.

 

I don't think the new friend is a bad guy at all.  I think that there is likely a comfort or cultural difference that is in play here.  I think that a previous poster's comment that perhaps the boys might have brought it up to mom after the fact is a good possibility as well.

I agree... they need to talk about it.

 

I definitely agree with the comfort/cultural difference. My point all along is that I don't think it's fair that the new friend is being demonized because she may be more modest than the OP. She is being looked upon as wrong, disrespectful, and some have said even a prude. We don't know all the details. It would be totally different, however, if she actually did ask the OP to alter her behavior in her own home. I also think that something was said by the older son after the play date. Especially since nothing was said or done as the naked boob incident was in progress. He probably said something to mom, which caused her to think a certain way, she thought about it, and then called the OP and offered a very fair and reasonable solution next time they are together. We don't know exactly what happened, as the OP hasn't returned to fill us in. Assumptions have been made on this thread and it is disturbing.

post #133 of 136
Thanks for your posts, Adina.
I agree, ommunication is key!
When it come down to it, these are two mamas who are far from home and family, and who could probably very much use a friend.
I hope the OP had a chance to sort things out, and that the two women were able to figure out a way to be supportive of each other.
post #134 of 136

After reading all of these posts, and being the mother of a 4 YO nurser, I have two comments:

 

1. How amazing it is that there are so many women who are giving their children the gift of breastfeeding, for immunities, nutrition, comfort and all of the other health and social benefits that nursing brings! We are all so different, but we have this incredible, powerful ability in common.

 

2. To the original poster: It's been quite some time since you brought your situation to MDC. Even if you never read this, I'm sending you wishes for friendship and connection with this new friend. When we are isolated, we have the opportunity to embrace people we normally wouldn't, and to find commonalities where we would normally not even look. My guess is that these two women and their children have moved beyond the original issue and are finding their way, helping one another as mothers.

post #135 of 136
EM that is just beautifully said!! Thank you!
post #136 of 136

I'd say let her do it and not sweat it. We like to make this whole fuss about breastfeeding is "perfectly natural" and we shouldn't be ashamed to do it in public, but there are a lot of things we do that are "natural" that we don't want to look at. A man standing up to urinate is "natural," but we wouldn't want him whipping out his junk in front of our kids, would we?

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