or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Toddler › Toddler Health › Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy › New friend wants to take her kids out of the room when we nurse. What would you say?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

New friend wants to take her kids out of the room when we nurse. What would you say? - Page 5

post #81 of 136
Your friend has clearly given you the respect of not judging you in your choices in raising/feeding your child. Maybe you should consider giving her the respect of allowing her to raise hers the way she see's fit. It sounds to me like this woman was trying to be respectful of your choices while still asserting her own beliefs for her family. i know it sucks to feel judged about something as natural and normal as bfing but sometimes thats the way the cookie crumbles. If you're worried about sending the wrong message to your son about people leaving the room maybe you could try to time it so he isn't nursing while you're there? (Trust me, I know this isn't always possible) Otherwise, you're just going to have to decide if its worth being this woman's friend. treehugger.gif
post #82 of 136
but she didn't ask her to cover up, she asked her to tell her first so had can take her kids out of the room! I just don't understand why everyone finds it so hard to understand why some may not want their children to see another woman's beasts. It doesn't mean you do not support breast feeding. I tell my kids what breasts are for and they know that women feed their babies from their "boobies" but that doesn't mean that I want them to see other women's breasts. Not to mention the lady didn't even tell her to cover!! She was polite and honest about her feelings. Why when it comes to breast feeding does it have to be such a great divide? Why can't everyone just feed their babies the way the wAnt without judgement. I feed covered, you don't! I will remove my kids from a situation I don't feel comfortable with, you don't have to! It's simple..,. Everyone just be polite and honest with their feelings and we can continue the friendship or go our separate ways!!
post #83 of 136
Apeydef, I can respect others' views and concede to their wishes but I can't help the way I feel - just like they can't. It's something that hits very close to home for me. I have two girls and had to work hard to nurse them both for different reasons. Anything that makes nursing harder or more isolating is another obstacle. Any obstacles I can remove I will remove. I think OP needs to take stock and figure out if she can live with this compromise. I know personally that it would continue to bother me. It's not the friend's fault. Sometimes people are compatible enough and make it work but sometimes they aren't. If its not wrong for the friend to ask for a warning so she and her kids can leave the room, why is it wrong for me to feel bothered by being friends with a mom who can't be around me with her kids when my baby is hungry?
post #84 of 136
No I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do and I'm sorry if it came across like that! I just wanted to make if clear that she was not asked to cover up or even go into another room for that matter....
post #85 of 136
Also I know people in my family think it's weird I am still bf my almost four year old, so I feel by covering up and not making anyone feel uncomfortable I am normalizing it!
post #86 of 136
I meant 14 month old!
post #87 of 136
Yes, I see, thank you Apeydef. I'm glad you've found a middle ground that works for you with extended family. Covering up isn't a good fit for me and someone I know leaving the room every time I nurse feels like rejection to me. I know it's different for others.
post #88 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by skycheattraffic View Post

Apeydef, I can respect others' views and concede to their wishes but I can't help the way I feel - just like they can't. It's something that hits very close to home for me. I have two girls and had to work hard to nurse them both for different reasons. Anything that makes nursing harder or more isolating is another obstacle. Any obstacles I can remove I will remove. I think OP needs to take stock and figure out if she can live with this compromise. I know personally that it would continue to bother me. It's not the friend's fault. Sometimes people are compatible enough and make it work but sometimes they aren't. If its not wrong for the friend to ask for a warning so she and her kids can leave the room, why is it wrong for me to feel bothered by being friends with a mom who can't be around me with her kids when my baby is hungry?

But the friend didn't say that she wanted to leave, just that her sons. And if you've never had an 11 year old child you might not realize that they are often embarrassed my everything and anything.

I guess I just don't understand how some here can't understand and respect a mom for being honest. I don't think that forcing her sons to be in an environment that makes them uncomfortable just to normalize breast feeding is reasonable. Modesty isn't something to be ashamed of, I cannot understanding judging this mom just as I wouldn't judge a breast feeding mom who asked for a private place to feed her baby in a friend's home if that is what would make her more comfortable.
post #89 of 136
Yes her and I just discussed this if you read my previous posts....
post #90 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post

But the friend didn't say that she wanted to leave, just that her sons. And if you've never had an 11 year old child you might not realize that they are often embarrassed my everything and anything.

I guess I just don't understand how some here can't understand and respect a mom for being honest. I don't think that forcing her sons to be in an environment that makes them uncomfortable just to normalize breast feeding is reasonable. Modesty isn't something to be ashamed of, I cannot understanding judging this mom just as I wouldn't judge a breast feeding mom who asked for a private place to feed her baby in a friend's home if that is what would make her more comfortable.
I don't understand where I've been disrespectful of this mom. Can you provide a quote? I've been saying where I come from and that I would not be comfortable with. I can (and do) respect her comfort level without agreeing with it. Why do I have to do something that makes me feel rejected and isolated? Why is it unacceptable to say I don't think this friendship would work out for me but the OP must look at her situation and figure out whether it may be a better fit for her? I'm not saying force the 11 year old into an uncomfortable situation. I'm just saying this would not be a good fit for me while my toddler still nursed frequently. I don't understand why it's so unacceptable to say this wouldn't be right for me but it may be an ok compromise for the OP?

ETA: I thought the friend asked for a heads up so she could take her kids into another room. That implies leaving to me.
post #91 of 136
I am surprised that a 3 year old child wouldn't prefer to play with the gang, rather than nurse. Seems like time the OP and her kids spend with new friend & her kids would be such precious social time that it's better to snuggle & nurse before &/or after the playdate. It's so important for the OP to have adult interaction, a friend even, and equally important for kids to have playmates they enjoy. As humans our need to socialize can't be stressed enough. I think that trumps the importance of comfort nursing a 3 year old on demand, in this scenario. A 3 year old doesn't need to nurse in the middle of every single event. It would be so different if it were "feeding a baby", a phrase I've seen used repeatedly in this thread. If anyone were to express discomfort with a feeding a baby, that would be shocking, as a hungry baby's access to breast does indeed take top priority, and I'd have to really consider keeping a relationship with anyone who found anything about that discomforting.
But having an intimate snuggle/nursing session with your 3 year old in the middle of hosting a playdate? So easily skipped until after company leaves, when the OP would most likely have days alone with her kids again, and nothing but nursing/snuggling opportunities.

Although I do nurse babies on demand, in public, I wouldn't show a lot of skin in front of adolescent or teen boys. The poor things, their hormones and bodies out of control. My nursing bras and tops allow me expose only areola, practically, since I, personally, feel warm and cozy that way,as well as my own modesty preseved (I don't want to place my postpartum figure out on display in public).

Just my 2 cents .
post #92 of 136
As your child gets older and the breastfeeding continues there will likely be more and more weirdness about it and I doubt there's anything you can do about it as its cultural more than anything.

I lived in SK for a year and it was pretty challenging. It's highly unlikely that I would give up that kind of connection - for myself and my son - in that situation.

It sucks and is unfair but it might be better or you go to another room. If its you that leaves you can hopefully spin it in whatever way you think will be best for your son.

Her view is different than yours, your probably not going to change it (*especially* if she nursed with a cover?!). It's perfectly fine to be friends with people who don't 100% share your views and ideas about things, and it's probably good for your son to be exposed to different ways of seeing things as that's the reality of the world.

But you are right of course, there is nothing wrong with bfing your son, and there is nothing wrong with your boob falling out.
post #93 of 136

I can see why the OP has not returned to this thread. As i said before,  it is hurtful to  be made to feel that doing something natural and beneficial like bf'ing  might be offensive to someone. Teenage boys not withstanding, the mother could have been more sensitive in making her request, and likewise, posters justifying so called 'diversity of opinions',  and interpretations of the OP as judgmental and not understanding herself, are competely missing the point, and showing complete insensitivity to her predicament.

 

But i guess mdc is not the place for that anymore. I get it....( and seriously, a reference to a third party as a 'prude', is hardly name calling)

 

Anyway, i hope the OP comes back, and finds solace in a few of  the posts that were understanding.... thats the only reason im posting myself.

post #94 of 136
There has been a big range of opinions on the thread, which demonstrates to me that MDC is most certainly the place for it. There aren't many other forums in existence for discussions regarding extended nursing, and so this place is valuable and special in that regard.
Moderators have been doing our best to keep an eye on this thread while also respecting
the views and opinions of MDC members and the Universal Agreement.
Please feel free to let us know where we have faltered in your opinion.

Starling, (who nurses her 40lb toddler in public regardless of who is around)
post #95 of 136
She asked for people's opinions and if you have read through everyone has been respectful of her feelings while offering their opinions!
post #96 of 136
post #97 of 136
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serafina33 View Post

I am surprised that a 3 year old child wouldn't prefer to play with the gang, rather than nurse. Seems like time the OP and her kids spend with new friend & her kids would be such precious social time that it's better to snuggle & nurse before &/or after the playdate. It's so important for the OP to have adult interaction, a friend even, and equally important for kids to have playmates they enjoy. As humans our need to socialize can't be stressed enough. I think that trumps the importance of comfort nursing a 3 year old on demand, in this scenario. A 3 year old doesn't need to nurse in the middle of every single event. It would be so different if it were "feeding a baby", a phrase I've seen used repeatedly in this thread. If anyone were to express discomfort with a feeding a baby, that would be shocking, as a hungry baby's access to breast does indeed take top priority, and I'd have to really consider keeping a relationship with anyone who found anything about that discomforting.
But having an intimate snuggle/nursing session with your 3 year old in the middle of hosting a playdate? So easily skipped until after company leaves, when the OP would most likely have days alone with her kids again, and nothing but nursing/snuggling opportunities.

Although I do nurse babies on demand, in public, I wouldn't show a lot of skin in front of adolescent or teen boys. The poor things, their hormones and bodies out of control. My nursing bras and tops allow me expose only areola, practically, since I, personally, feel warm and cozy that way,as well as my own modesty preseved (I don't want to place my postpartum figure out on display in public).

Just my 2 cents .


I don't know if you have nursed toddlers or preschool aged children or not. I don't think it's up to anyone other than this child's mother to decide when her son's breastfeeding is "appropriate" or not in whatever situation. A lot of children the OP's son's age sometimes need to "touch base" with Mama, even for only a few seconds while playing with other children. For many children this age, a few seconds or minutes of nursing is like a hug. I know my children only nursed a few seconds or minutes at a time at this age, but sometimes they felt overwhelmed or whatever (I didn't always know, but I wasn't going to second guess a child's need for my presence or my milk.) A minute or two of nursing, which is how most children this age nurse, is not going to "interfere with socialization."

 

Even after my kids weaned, they still came to me for hugs and snuggling in the middle of a play date. I don't see this as unusual at all. Kids get overstimulated, or simply need their mother's presence and her physical attention. Babies, toddlers, preschoolers, I don't see much difference. Also, we can't judge what an other child's needs are. His mother knows him much better than we do from just reading a single post. I can assure you that plenty of children this age need hugs, snuggles or even a quick nursing session, even in the middle of a play date. I see nothing wrong with ANY of these needs.

 

Why is your desire to not continue a relationship with someone who was unaccepting or uncomfortable with your baby nursing any different with the OP feeling uncomfortable with someone uncomfortable or unaccepting of her nursing a 3 year old? By the time you are nursing a 3 year old, your feelings are no different for the child than when he or she was a tiny baby. Plus the fact that most kids this age only nurse for a very short spurt, why is your discomfort acceptable with someone's feelings about your baby acceptable, but the OP's feelings regarding her 3 year old not? I see very little difference. Much of nursing at any age is not just for "food" so the differences between a baby needing his mother's breast and a 3 year old needing the same are not all that different... at least for many of us who have breastfed children well into preschool age or older. Plus, at what age is the "dividing line" where you would allow someone else's "discomfort" overrule your listening to your child's needs to nurse? Either not to do it or to hide yourself away?  A year? Two years? When then? Time is fluid, no one starts nursing a 3 year old, and by the time you are doing so, you see it not much differently than nursing a child, in fact, for many of us nursing a toddler is just reflex. I certainly never thought about ages when my kids were nursing.

 

I think this thread, if nothing else is bringing out a lot about how many of us parent.


Edited by MaggieLC - 11/29/13 at 9:20am
post #98 of 136
@MaggieLCisnt that what this forum is intended for? To share opinions and bring out how others parent? I don't think the PP was saying it was abnormal to bf a 3 year old just that maybe because they have been so secluded (which the OP stated) she is surprised he does not want to go and play with the kids rather than nursing! Usually at this age kids are nursing just in morning and at bed. I said usually bc I realize there is no "norm" for any child! I think she was just stated maybe more socialization would be beneficial for them both..
post #99 of 136
I nursed four years w DS1 including tandem nursing when DS2 was born. I definitely believe in extended breastfeeding. I don't think an infant's need to be fed is the same as a 3 year old's desire to comfort nurse. An infant needs to be breastfed often, and a three year old can take a few hours off the breast and get a hug and a smile (& solid food!) instead sometimes. I still hug and caress my kids in public when they want affection and attention, and they are 8 and10. I would never deny my child closeness if they want to 'check-in' with that mommy love & security feeling. I hope they still enjoy and find value in a loving hug from me when they are adults! Of course a three year old needs to check in with mom. Climb in her lap, get a hug, whatever. It just doesn't NEED to include nursing every single time. That would downplay the power of a mommy hug or quick lap time/snuggle, a snack, or verbal exchange, or some combination (or all!) of the above.
post #100 of 136
@Serafina33excellent point and well said!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Toddler › Toddler Health › Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy › New friend wants to take her kids out of the room when we nurse. What would you say?