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BF Not Sure of My Kids

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
A couple months ago I met a wonderful man through mutual friends. We've both been divorced almost a year. After we met, it seemed we were constantly talking. Things were great. Any free time I had was spent with him. Minimal arguing. We understand each others views like no one else does. Then a couple weeks ago he began acting different. I would ask what was wrong and he'd tell me nothing. Finally a few nights ago he broke down and told me. Going into the relationship I knew his only child passed away from a sudden illness. I have four young children. We love everything about each other, but he's unsure if he will ever be able to be involved with them or even meet them due to the pain he still feels from losing his child. We are both at a low point in our lives. I stayed in an unhappy marriage far too long. But he makes me feel something I haven't felt in years as I do him. Both of us are unsure of we will ever remarry. I've suggested we rediscover ourselves together and see if our relationship progresses from that. Am I making the right move? He point blank told me he doesn't know that he can ever be the man I deserve, but at the same time, when we first met we both said we didn't see ourselves in a relationship again either. Our mutual friends say he's only nervous and I should stop over thinking it. It feels right when we are together. I'm so torn.
post #2 of 7

Going from a single Dad of a child who passed away to a possible future StepDad (if things progress like things usually do along those lines) of someone else's children, that's a really big step.  He may not be ready to take on the responsibility and the emotional attachment of being a permanent role model in a child's life, it may be too much responsibility too soon (four kids is alot!  :)) and it may be painful for him to spend time with any children because it may remind him of what he once had and no longer has.  It sounds like you're making the right move, but you should take things very slowly and maybe limit (but not completely) the time he spends with your children, get him used to the idea slowly.

 

I never lost a child to death, thank God, but I once had a stepdaughter I raised from a year old until she was 9.  After her father divorced me and removed me from her life, I swore I'd never get involved with a man with children ever again.  I'm now engaged to a Father of three.  I still miss my first stepdaughter and do every day, and some things are especially hard sometimes, like when my future stepdaughter has big things happen in her life, as she's 3 months older than my first stepdaughter and it reminds me of what stages (teen years!) I'm missing out on with my first stepdaughter, but I'm okay.  It took time, but I'm okay and ready to love another child again.  I know it's not quite the same situation, but there's hope with things like this, it just takes time.

 

I hope things work out for you.

post #3 of 7

I've believe that people tell us who they are, and that we should listen when they do.

 

Without reading between the lines or interpreting what he's saying or making assumptions about his intentions or inventing a future, who is he telling you he is?

 

Now assuming that he's not going to change -- because he won't for you or because of you -- what kind of relationship can you live contently with?

 

I screw this up all the time, but I'm getting better at it. 

post #4 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
 

I've believe that people tell us who they are, and that we should listen when they do.

 

Without reading between the lines or interpreting what he's saying or making assumptions about his intentions or inventing a future, who is he telling you he is?

 

Now assuming that he's not going to change -- because he won't for you or because of you -- what kind of relationship can you live contently with?

 

I screw this up all the time, but I'm getting better at it.

 

This is such good advice.  And I too have so much trouble following it.  I may print this out to hang on my fridge :)

post #5 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
 

I screw this up all the time, but I'm getting better at it. 

 

By "screw this up," I mean that I get myself emotionally to places that I've told myself I won't go because it's not a healthy place to be given the relationship that the other person is offering.

post #6 of 7

When our son died, DH and I were wrecks for a while. I cried at the sight of babies. I had a (probably unhealthy) anger at people otherwise important to me. I didn't want to be in the same room as my family who had young children to avoid acting on the anger I felt inside. Other people I've talked to whose young child died young described having similar struggles and angers, and similar discomforts being around other children. Some even had a hard time being around their own children for some time. Even though we have a healthy child now, I still see pain in DH's eyes when he sees other people with their young sons. We cried together on our baby's birthday and on other occasions when we know he should be with us but isn't. It is hard, more hard than anything I've ever gone through. The death of my grandfather was nothing compared to this. But days move forward and my heart has healed somewhat and I feel a lot better now, so I'm able to cope with situations that were too hard for me to get through before. It took time to get as far as I am.

 

So while I might normally say "he's telling you what you need to know, he's not interested right now and saying it plainly," he also has endured something more painful than anything any one should ever have to endure, so maybe it really is just going to take more time for his heart to heal enough to take that big step. I don't know how long that will take. I don't know if it's more time than you should have to "wait." Some other bereaved parents I've talked to even struggled with the birth of a subsequent child, and others don't. It just varies too much.

post #7 of 7
I really wouldn't spend any time dating. With 4 young kids who just lost their intact home, you shouldn't be adding any more drama . You should not be distracted with this, any free time ( any free time I spend with him) should be spent with your 4 children.
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