Hello wondering if I could get some advice for my VERY complicated situation for both being a SAH working Mom involving sharing finances and outside influence when trying to do waldorf at home. This is a mouthful and may be my life story. I know there will be harsh criticism :)
My boyfriend has a 9 year old boy. I met him when he was 4 almost 5. We share a 3.5 yr old together.
Some background information:
We lived together very unpeacefully. We argued a great deal about his son's behavior - hyper, erratic, media influence (call of duty, non stop TV and video games), jealousy towards our son, and the lack of boundaries and structure in his life. We also argued over his lack of financial support - we kept everything separate. I paid for pretty much everything for our son except his insurance because he claimed that our farm food and organic groceries were out of control in terms of money. My son didn't eat the standard diet - he had a lot of digestive problems and vaccine problems. I have spent his whole life trying to help him alternatively and holistically and ive paid for pretty much all of it. My boyfriend has a very generous income (about 6x mine) while I bring home 27,000 and have always raised our son with no daycare. He claimed that paying the rent and utilities was enough for him to support and that I needed to pull my end too. I started becoming interested in Waldorf when my son was 1 yrs old.
I decided to move back in with my mom and raise our son there alone. The fighting had gotten bad. We lived there from his age of 2 - March 2012 till this past July 1, 2013. While my son had a lot of outside influence from my mom buying him lots of plastic and mainstream toys, I knew that it wasn't too big of a deal because they were age appropriate - no violence etc and one day we would be on our own. I didnt know if his dad and i would get back together. Support from his dad was 150 every month until I requested 350 a month in our therapy sessions (pathetic I know). I didn't take him to court because my son and I were together 24/7. I didn't want him using the law to control me when I had raised our son pretty much alone his whole life because his dad was working or coming home late or hanging in his son's room because we didn't get along. My son saw me as his brick - his safety. My son also was going through a rough period from the vaccine damage. Any slight change in his diet sent him into a meltdown. His digestive system was a wreck.
While at my moms she babysat for me for a whole day and night so I could go to the office and get my weeks worth of work done. Work stayed at work when I left. We eat Weston price style of food so I was pretty consumed with cleaning cooking and playing with my son when he wasn't playing with his cousin or kids we knew. I had more time to teach him, tell stories, and force myself to live in the moment with him. We started homeopathy and vaccine clears while living with my mom and my son became a different person - pooping everyday, happy, social, observant...no more regressions, toe walking, head tapping....he looked great
We decided to give it a second try and we moved in July 2013 almost 2 hrs away with my boyfriend and his son. I love his dad and felt bad that our son was missing out on his dad. I came here and decided to try to work from home with no help and obviously still play the SAHM role but with more people to clean up after. I am overworked. I feel like a robot which is OK but as a result I am more broke now because I am still paying for pretty much everything and more without my boyfriends help. He still just pays the rent utilities, and some odd stuff here and there but mostly only for him and his son. So that is a problem already in itself and its half of what is going on. If I want something for my son I have to buy it. All his food, supplements, clothes, toys...I buy.. The homeopathy I buy. .... if its for our son...I pretty much buy it. His dad will just use the excuse - he doesn't need it . I am the one that wakes up for my son 24/7 while his dad sleeps in even when I am juggling my payroll entry. . When he watches my son so i can work does it basically consists of his son getting our son worked up and they scream and run around like maniacs. I sit there clenching my teeth because his son is so intense and hyper that my 3 yr old has been hurt a bunch of time - once involved glueing his cut chin at the hospital. My work is now spread out all over the whole week. I am finding it hard to wear this many hats at once. cook, cleaner, teacher, employee, nurterer
His son has a lot of anger towards our son is mean to him but then alternatively will decide he wants to be nice and will share. I am VERY happy to see him share because he literally baracades his room from our son. He runs up to shut and lock the door if he sees our son go near it. He comes to us with a lot of anger. His father and I still argue over his son's behavior - highly attention seeking, very up and down, very obnoxious at times. He runs our son around in circles but then 10 mins later gets a wind up his behind and decides hes pissed off and goes to his room. He treats our son like a toy at his disposal. This happens about 10 times a day when he first comes by the 3rd day its a little better but he still tries to stir our son up. I will be trying to get my son in bed and he's trying to get him to act crazy. If you ask him to stop he persists. Our son is playful but not hyper by any means. So this is causing a lot of frustration between his Dad and I. He sees it as no problem but I see that it is disturbing the peace that we have when he isn't around. I also see the up and down behavior as disturbing to my son's emotional development. Yes my 3.5 yr old is a lot calmer than the 9 yr old. Strange I know. I do dread when he;s here. I don't know any kids that play with my son like this. In my opinion its attention seeking to the max. He doesn't have adhd because he can turn it off when he wants. Is it normal for a 9 yr old to be so impulsive and energetic? Like never having an off button. I wont even mention mealtimes... I give up trying to get anyone to sit down and eat when he's here.
The 9 yr old's play is very aggressive and influenced by media, violence, warfare etc. He is still playing videogames and watching tv in his room because his dad doesn't want to limit or take it away despite my requests. I asked for it to go in his room because my son doesn't really watch TV and I don't want the influence or noise around. (I see him act better without it). When he roleplays with my son he is constantly teaching him gun actions - like loading and backing up the gun...shooting people...its not your everyday cowboy play...this looks like some serious warfare with guns that shoot off 100 rounds or something (I have no clue about guns)....its basically taken from an action film or video games
He has been sharing toys with my son but they are all ninjago legos, transformers, ironman, toy guns, etc etc. Now I do make exceptions for my son to have legos and playmobils in addition to his costume clothes and other mostly wooden and waldorf toys. I find that my son has become so obsessed with these types of unattractive toys shared by his half brother. He battles me everyday to play with them. he asks me to buy these toys everyday all day. Everything out of his mouth is ironman, spiderman, shoot this person, make him die, transformer... I am at my wit's end! If I had it my way my son wouldn't even have the legos except for the bricks and standard plain people. He is a technical child and will sit there for an hour taking them apart and reassembling them. He is a connector and is social - he loves people and fantasy and adventure. Hes not the car type. The other toys lately just sit there.
I know his dad and I need to be on the same page but how in the world is going to happen? I am making a huge compromise right now and I feel that it is shifting towards less of a compromise for me. We have so many difficulties in so many areas. What do I do about the lack of sharing finances, his son's behavior? How do I approach this without a fight? Am I crazy to feel resentful and angry about it? How do I handle the constant influence with the toys and violence? I am constantly telling my son "we don't do that....Brandon is older...his dad and mom let him do that" He is starting to feel excluded and controlled I can tell. Hes so little he doesn't get it.
Everyone always says well you should have known what you got into. My boyfriend was not like this before I got pregnant. I thought I could help his son but I was never allowed to because it was always seen as extreme or not necessary. I never had a kid - i had no clue what it was like - especially dealing with a kid that had no structure in his life. We are in this situation now. I want peace in our home. When I tell my son fairy tales and act them out with the ostheimers he loves it....he'll play with them but then its back to the violent based legos people keep buying him and talking about cruddy mainstream stuff all day long. I don't want to be the evil mom constantly taking these types of toys away and hiding them because he cries like someone hurt him. Its literally traumatic for him. Its like a double standard- his brother plays with them, he plays with them when hes here...but then I am switching it up...it makes my head spin even writing about it!. I feel like an evil tyrant trying to lay down the law but no one is backing me up. Its a losing battle.