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I'm getting guilt tripped... - Page 2

post #21 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by liberal_chick View Post

 

Anyway, he told me that me going to work would be selfish and that hiring someone to keep the kids 31 hours a week was basically letting someone else raise our kids. 

 

No. It would be sharing the raising of your kids with someone else. And you know what? That's a GOOD thing.

 

This idea that childrearing should be exclusively and intensively the mother's work for 16 years is an anomaly in human history. For most of human history, the norm has been for children to be brought up in a group where there would be multi-age groups of children for them to play within, and multiple adults around to share in the caregiving. Why are we assuming that this is suddenly such a bad thing? All right, so childcare doesn't exactly replicate a hunter-gatherer village, but a good childcare setting for a limited number of hours per week can give children far better opportunities than being at home full-time. I feel so strongly about this that if my husband were to come home tomorrow and tell me he'd won the lottery and was going to give up work, I would still want the children to go to a childminder at least some of the time, because I think it's better for them than being at home full-time.

 

You said they'd be in daycare 31 hours a week. That is less than a fifth of the whole week. Even if you discount sleeping hours from that (and they can't be discounted entirely, because children do wake up at night and being there for nightmares is an important part of parenting), it's still less than half of your children's total waking time. That's hardly handing the job over to someone else. Having a few more caring adults involved in their lives during those hours, along with the opportunity to play with more children and in different settings, strikes me as getting the best of all worlds.

 

As for accusations of selfishness... it's easy to define what burdens you think it's someone else's duty to take on and call them 'selfish' for not living up to the expectations you've created for them. Why is it so unselfish of him to want his wife to give up a career she loves and spend sixteen years doing something she doesn't like, instead? I appreciate that it is more difficult for him in that, financially, he doesn't have the opportunity to be the one who makes this sacrifice, and in all fairness maybe he would be quite happy to do it. But has he looked at getting a different, part-time job, where he could spend more hours at home while you were working? Or at setting up flexible working hours for his whole team (since you said in another post he was a manager) that would allow him to do some of his work from home after the children were in bed, and free up more hours during the day to spend with them? How about he looks into those options instead of assuming it's your job to shoulder the entire burden of this full-time-parenting goal that he wants and you don't?

post #22 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Enough Mum View Post
 

 

No. It would be sharing the raising of your kids with someone else. And you know what? That's a GOOD thing.

 

This idea that childrearing should be exclusively and intensively the mother's work for 16 years is an anomaly in human history. For most of human history, the norm has been for children to be brought up in a group where there would be multi-age groups of children for them to play within, and multiple adults around to share in the caregiving. Why are we assuming that this is suddenly such a bad thing? All right, so childcare doesn't exactly replicate a hunter-gatherer village, but a good childcare setting for a limited number of hours per week can give children far better opportunities than being at home full-time.

 

 

This is my favorite part of your post. In days of old, like for most of history until the World War II, when family life was reinvented, child rearing was shared by many, at least by extended family. Further back it was bigger chunks of the community helping with the child rearing. A fabulous child care provider is like that to a family--like a family member who also cares about your child. I have personally been enormously lucky in this regard with the home providers we have been gifted with over the last 18 years. 

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