I am new to Mothering and to these forums. I had my first child, Philip, on July 5th. He is amazing and I love him so much. There are so many things I am grateful for. He sleeps well, he smiles a lot (I even got his first laugh this week!), he's beautiful, I get to stay home with him, he's healthy, and my husband is not perfect, but more supportive than some. Some days I am so happy being a mom and feel amazingly lucky.
That being said, some days are hard and overwhelming and I feel like I'm not doing enough. There are so many things that aren't getting done around the house. There are so many things I want to do for Phil that I never get to and so many things I want to do for myself that I never get to. Despite getting decent sleep, I am exhausted. We are broke. I could go on and on.
I have very little support. Philip was unplanned and I was never a kid person before. Most of my friends are without children or have much older children. My father passed away shortly before I became pregnant and my mother is a homeless alcoholic. My husband took a significant paternity leave, but is now back at work and, honestly, I don't feel like he takes an active interest in Philip's development. His family lives out of state. I went to my first group today - a postpartum wellness circle - and it felt great to be around other moms and feel normal. It was a huge effort to make it, but we did.
There are 3 things that are weighing on my mind and I would love any feedback anyone has to give on them:
1. I desperately want to wear my baby. I believe wholeheartedly in the benefits of doing so. We were handed down 3 different carriers - the Ergo, the Moby, and an Infantino one. Philip is long and skinny. At 2 months he was 9 lbs. 15 oz. but 23 1/4 inches long. I am very short - only 4' 10". I have the infant insert for the Ergo but honestly have not tried it because I feel like it's really bulky and will be better for when he's older. I really thought I'd love the Moby and fully planned on using it for these early months. I didn't use any carrier for the first 6+ weeks because my husband and I were both home and I was pretty much constantly breastfeeding, anyway. Now that I'm on my own, I've been trying to make babywearing a regular thing and it's not working. I feel like the Moby is too hard to get on and off. When I wear it properly, Philip is not comfortable or happy in it and breastfeeding in it has not worked at all for me. So, last week I broke down and ordered the Balboa adjustable sling with a credit card. I thought it would be perfect. Adjustable for my height, easy to get on and off, and good for breastfeeding. I've only had it a couple of days, and I know these things take practice, but I am frustrated and disappointed. It fits me great and is comfortable. However, Philip doesn't seem to be taking to it well. I read that some babies don't like the cradle position, so today I tried the cuddle/snuggle position with his legs out because he doesn't seem to like them all cramped up. He was doing OK, a little fussy, but I was walking around and trying to get him used to it. We checked out the mirror and it looked exactly how it was supposed to, but after about 15 minutes, it looked like his feet were turning purple so I took him out. I am disheartened. All the instructional videos and articles make it look/sound so easy. Why can't I get this right?
2. Tummy time. We haven't done hardly any. Philip not only hates it, but just roots on the blanket/whatever surface he's on and I worry he's going to suffocate. If I do it on my belly, he just wants to breastfeed. His head and legs are pretty strong, but I know tummy time is a big important thing and I can't figure out how to work on it.
3. Breastfeeding. We had some trouble with latching in the very beginning and the helpful lactation consultant I spoke to suggested the clutch/football position. That seemed to work great for a long time. But I am starting to lose confidence. Philip wants to breastfeed constantly and I know it is often for comfort. He won't take a pacifier and often just plays around while at the breast, which can be painful. I have both the Boppy and the Brest Friend but neither one is high enough for me to not have to hunch over. Unless I have 5 or 6 pillows, I am not comfortable, and it is too much of a process to do this every time so my back is constantly being strained. I often breastfeed in bed for this reason, but my legs are tight and my ankles are sore from being crossed so often. Besides this fact, what do I do outside of the home? I never have pillows with me everywhere I go. Plus I can't do the football hold without pillows. So any time I have to breastfeed outside of the house, it's a whole new routine for both of us and I don't think we're very successful, which also makes it take longer, and therefore prolong the discomfort. I have also noticed that he often turns his head away from his body while feeding. I read that this is not good for him to swallow. I am wondering if he might do it on purpose because he's not actually hungry? Regardless, I don't know how to remedy this all.
I feel like we need to practice babywearing, tummy time, and breastfeeding a whole bunch in different positions and different ways but they are all stressful, so I just keep doing the same things and feeling guilty and incompetent.
I know this was a long introductory post with lots of complaining. I know it is hard and I know it will get better and I am not depressed, I try to be positive. But it's just getting more and more in my head that I am not doing enough, so I've decided to reach out in whatever ways I can, including this forum.
Thanks in advance for any response.