I know MDC is not a replacement for therapy (and to be fair I am on a waiting list with my therapist), but I really feel the need to vent. I've had a migraine for 3 days now, no doubt from stress and I need to put a stop to it.
I have a mother, you see, who is kind and loving.. but also a major guilt tripper. To get a better idea of what she's like, here are some examples.
-She once told me that she stayed together with my dad and put up with all his crap so that we could have a stable home AKA "make sure you know how much I sacrificed for you"
-She bought dresses for my 2 dd's the other day. The same dress that I had purchased for my oldest DD (because it was her birthday and I think it's nice to have a special birthday outfit). My mom said "I couldn't stand watching your other two DD's looking at their sister in awe and wondering why they didn't get anything". FTR, my DD's know that their eldest sister has very little clothing that currently fits her anyway, due to a growth spurt. PLUS they've got a massive selection of beautiful dresses to choose from that no longer fit their older sister. I was so annoyed that my mom would do this, then I told myself that perhaps *I* have the problem here - My mom is being generous and wanting the children to have the same as one another and here I am being a grinch about it all.
-She leaves her clothes at my house (she stays overnight), which is fine if they are actual clothes that she will RE-USE/RE-WEAR when she comes back. But no, they aren't. She also gives me old clothes of hers that she no longer wishes to wear but will look so beautiful and come in handy for me! They sit in my f**king cupboard taking up what very little space we already have. I tell her to take some home because they are not serving a purpose here and she says "Oh no, you keep them here. They will come in handy one day". They have never come in handy. And I've never worn any of her old clothes.
Sometimes I think I'm being an ungrateful turd because they are perfectly good clothes.. but they look so awful on me. I look 20 years my senior when I wear them.
-She gave me a bowl of my grandmothers that I've never used in 8 years of having it in my possession. She said to keep it for memory. I told her to take it back and she said it would be nice for me to keep it for memory purposes. I wanted to slap myself. Again, I think what's the deal, just keep the stupid bowl. It's one bowl and not going to kill anyone, but that's not the point.
-She gave me her 30 year old double bed frame and insisted I keep it for the kids. When I told her I refused to do that, she said that's fine, just keep it for me for when I come over to stay. WHAT? I'm not erecting this bed and having it take up almost all of the toy/school room area so that you can sleep on your preferred bed once every 2 weeks!
-She was trying to convince me to take her old couches so that she could have a very valid reason for buying new couches that match her latest decor. She told me she was aching to change the coloring of her furniture and decor and the only way to do it was to buy new couches. Her old couches are only a year old and in beautiful condition, but they are too big for my lounge. I whipped out the measuring tape when she was here and explained in great detail WHY they would not fit here. Then she got all offended and said "Well I was just trying to save you money!" So again, I felt like such an ungrateful ass.
Whenever she see's something of mine that either dh or I purchased, is now old and ratty, she says give/throw it away.. but if it's something of hers that is ratty and utterly useless to me, she says to keep it - that it will come in handy one day - or think of a use for me on my behalf. Everything of hers that she hands down is precious and too good to be thrown out (regardless of if I can use it or not), but anything else in my house that no longer has a use for whatever reason, deserves to be going in the bin.
I could go on.. but I'll stop in the name of sanity.
She is not a bad person and is quite generous in general. She is just stuck in her own fantasy about how things should be. I can't partake in her fantasy anymore and I don't know what to do. I've tried to set boundaries and I've tried to gently hint but it's not improving the situation.
I'm in the midst of decluttering right now. I'm tired, facing decision fatigue and all over just pissed off at having to constantly deal with my mom's requests for keeping stuff here. I have so much resentment, that I want to throw out every thing she has given me in rebellion.. but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel very ungrateful considering there are people out there who would love for family members to be generous with them and I feel guilty - kind of like I'm throwing my mom's love away. She has always showed her love through stuff. She loves abundance and I swear every visit there is something new to me in that bag that she brings with her.. Something that I need to store or use. Or something that I'm trying to give up eating or stop the kids from eating (like gluten laden foods).
I love her and don't want to cut her from our lives at all, but I want to get the message across that I love HER, not her stuff. And getting rid of her stuff doesn't mean I don't appreciate her. I could care less about the stuff. I've told her this before, but she laughs it off at first and then later gets upset.
Sometimes I even wonder if she gets upset because she wants me to be like her.. She wants me to appreciate the same things, want the same things, act the same way etc. It's the only explanation that makes sense to me right now.
Anyone else the child of a mother who is like this? How do you deal with the guilt tripping? I am over the stress and anxiety keeping all this stuff around has caused me, but at the same time, I feel awful for parting with any of it.