I am a 29 year old stay at home FTM with an 11 week old son. As I expressed in my introduction last week, we have good days and bad days. He is a very well mannered baby and I love spending time with him. I feel so lucky. While he was unplanned, he has given my life new meaning. But some days I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I have this terrible habit of "shoulding" myself. Sometimes it's shoulds about every day life: I should be cooking more meals/eating healthier, I should be doing more chores/keeping the house cleaner, I should be paying more attention to my pets, I should be reading or writing or bettering myself in a variety of ways, I should be exercising more and working on getting my body back, etc. etc. Other times it's shoulds about being a mom: I should be holding him every minute of the day and never putting him down to do a chore or take a break even if he's sleeping, I should be reading parenting books while I am constantly holding him, I should be taking him on more walks or singing to him more or reading to him more, I should be doing a better job of documenting his milestones or video taping him, etc. etc.
I keep trying to tell myself that I am doing amazing and it's all meant to be hard and nobody is perfect and he's only 11 weeks old. I tell myself that he's only a baby once and I can be fit and clean and organized for the rest of my life, but now is my time to be with him. But I feel like he's growing so fast and time is just flying by and every time I let him occupy himself with a toy so I can shower or put him in the bassinet to sleep so I can write in my journal I feel like I'm a bad mother and I'm missing out on opportunities for bonding or encouraging his development.
It's all so overwhelming and when I think about it (like right now), it drives me crazy and makes me sad. I'm sure this is all normal par for the course kind of stuff, but I thought it would be good to reach out. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you handle it? How do you find a balance without being filled with guilt and regret?