It has been a long while since I've been here on the mothering forums. I've felt like this part of my life is over with :/ I use to be a unschooling SAHM. I took so much (maybe too much) pride in my parenting style. Now that I think about it, I devoted myself to motherhood so extremely in an attempt to retreat from life. I'm very shy. socially anxious, and have a very low self-esteem. Sacrificing myself to motherhood seemed like the best us of my life.
Now, eight years later, I am divorced from my husband and all my ways have changed. The kids are in school and stay with their father half the time and living with my ex-MIL who is controlling things as much as see can now that I am no longer in the picture 24/7. I really not sad about the divorce. It's been a long time coming.
Now, my parenting style has completely changed. I'm *extremely irritable* :( all the time. I cannot smile at my children. I feel totally overwhelmed by their energy and needs. Then I feel a huge amount of guilt for my feelings. Most of the time I just want to run away.
I find myself crying unexpectedly and uncontrollably. I've cried while driving. I've cried while brushing my teeth. My youngest has said matter-of-factly "Mama's crying" like its her new normal :(
I hate my behavior and I am so ashamed of how un-motherly I have become. My mother and sister are the only friends I have in real life. I can tell they are losing respect for me because I am not "powering through" or "buckle down" They tell me I really need to just be there for the children, like I don't know this.
I do see a counselor every two weeks. I pay out of pocket and the cost adds to my stress. Right now I am unemployed and living on the $240 my ex gives me every other week. I am unable to get on anti-depressants because I have no insurance.
I want so badly to see the light at the end of the tunnel and get it together but most of the time I just feel crushed. Today we went to court and I was given custody of the children, something I was prepared to need to fight for but now that it will be a reality I wonder if it is what is best for the children.
I would love any advice, support or stories of anyone has been through anything similar. It means so much. I hate who I am anymore.